A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Please help!I'm 33F and my bf is 27 and in the navy. He's been deployed since Feb, and it's been super hard. After managing to keep it together for the most part, I lost it last week. All my suspicion and worry compounded and I sent him an email letting him know about my concerns. I get very anxious and depressed and can't see beyond my own nose at times, and he was really hurt and angry that I'd been so selfish. I've sacrificed a lot for this relationship, but I know that behavior was unacceptable. I immediately felt bad and apologised and we've spent the past week moving forward. He's forgiven me but sounds more distant than usual.Then, today, I was writing an email to myself about my feelings. I've decided to do this instead of sending it out to him so I can work through my feelings without impacting him. Guess what? I accidentally sent him the message. And it read "I read that missiles were loaded and the military is stepping up and it scared me so much - i know I cant say that to you but wtf do i do? I'm literally scared you're going to die all the time."I am dying. I wrote immediately saying I didn't mean to send it, even asking the radio comms guys to delete it in the email. But considering what happened last week, he's going to take it as a guilt trip, surely? It's going to be so hard to believe I didn't mean to send it.Is this as bad as I think it is? We've been together for a year and it was literally idyllic before he went away. I've found his deployment so difficult, but of course it's harder for him, and I keep making it worse not better. Please give me some genuine, straight to the point advice so I can brace myself for what's to come. I haven't heard back yet and I'm falling apart.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2022): So, in essence, you sent your boyfriend that email accidentally on purpose?!! That absurd! You had to open an email addressed to him.
He is serving active duty, and on deployment; evidently outside communications are still allowed, which one might assume he's still docked somewhere; or still living on base. You can't just send messages willy-nilly when a sailor is out to sea; because all incoming civilian communications are strictly prohibited. You get assigned/scheduled time to contact your family and friends.
If you are so overcome with anxiety and depression; this relationship with a active-duty serviceman is definitely not for you. It would be healthier if you ended this relationship; and sought more intensive therapy and counseling for your mental-health issues.
Soldiers, sailors, and marines who are deployed to service outside their country have enough to deal with, without unnecessary drama. They have to deal with separation from their families, preparing to adapt to isolation aboard a ship, far from land, or in a submarine; and getting unsettling communications from home will distract him from his duties, and that can cause him to be disciplined by his commanding officer. Most military families are offered family-counseling through the military to help them cope with separation anxiety. Most military husbands and wives do their best to discipline themselves to make sure their active-service spouses knows things on the home-front are under control in his or her absence. Even if they have to fake-it!!!
Girlfriends and boyfriends are not deserving of the privilege of contact; because they are not bound by marriage. If they aren't married, but have children, the at-home parent is encouraged to attend group sessions like spouses of active-duty service people; or get therapy to help them cope with the separation. These kind of relationships are considered frivolous by the military, when it comes to your performance and discipline. You are not bound by marriage, and a girlfriend or boyfriend can leave if they can't handle the situation; but a spouse can't just up and leave.
I've served active-duty. I've seen how bad-news from home can affect the morale, and distract a serviceman, or servicewoman, from our duty- assignments. We have to be 150% at all times! There are non-commissioned officers and officers breathing down your necks; just waiting for you to screw-up! A serviceman or servicewoman cannot afford to screw-up; it could cost him or her their life, or the life of their fellow servicemen. We are human, and we worry about our families, spouses, kids, girlfriends, or boyfriends; but we are disciplined to keep our minds focused on our orders. If we seem unsure of ourselves, our fellow servicemen can't trust us; or feel safe around a person who seems nervous, distracted, or scared. It's something you have to report; because you don't want people who seem out of sorts handling weapons, explosives, or multi-million dollar high-tech equipment.
If all you can think about is the worse happening to him, or the worse case scenario about everything; maybe you aren't healthy enough for any kind of relationship, let alone a long-distance relationship related to military service.
He doesn't need to be reminded of the danger he must face, and this is the time he uses to mentally prepare himself. He has to put all other personal matters aside to do his duty, and to serve his country. If you don't dump him, he may be forced to breakup with you. If that scares you so much; then see your therapist at once!
You are not a child. You are a grown-woman. People use anxiety and depression as an excuse to throw all responsibility and self-control aside; and behave like they have not even a tinge of control over their behavior and emotions. The world can't stop for you, and people can't tiptoe around you. You have to take care of yourself. You shouldn't overchallenge yourself; or place yourself in situations that strain your mental-health beyond your ability to function, and maintain your health, wellbeing, and emotional-stability.
If you haven't been hospitalized, and your doctor doesn't think you need to be medicated to the degree of almost being in a stupor; that means you have some modicum of self-control. You either need to get professional help; or you have to end the relationship.
He can't be sent accidental messages suggesting he's going to die. That is very irresponsible and beyond all logic and reason; you can't just blame everything on anxiety or depression. If you're in that bad of shape, you need to see your therapist, to seek a more intensive treatment program; and separate from anything and everything that triggers you. If your current therapist isn't helping, maybe it is time to find another doctor, and try a different treatment program. If you are on prescribed anxiety meds, but you don't take them as prescribed; that may be the reasons for your unmanageable stress and anxiety.
It seems even journaling your feelings and emotions only exacerbates your anxiety!
It's not healthy for you, and it certainly isn't helping your boyfriend, for you to be losing-it under the current circumstances. Do you understand, my dear?
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (22 May 2022):
 I have to agree, who sends themselves email like that?
I get a journal but email?
Come on.
You might have WANTED him to hear how you feel but you didn't want the possible negative outcome if he didn't like it.
However, OP - the shit is out of the horse.
All you can do is wait for him to read it and get back to you.
Also, you ARE allowed to feel scared. You ARE allowed to express your worries and concerns.
I know the fear that comes with deployments. It's not funny. It's normal. Anyone pretending that all is gravy is living in fantasy land. I think showing him that you worry is not a bad thing, though I always felt that those kinds of things should be said in person (which you can't while he is on deployment). I keep my email to my husband as upbeat and positive as possible but he knew I worried, he knew it was scary. Especially when he would write about attacks on the FOB, dealing with losing fellow soliders, etc.
Life isn't idyllic 24/7, 365.
I will say this, if you can't handle it, maybe a future with him is not for you. And I don't mean that is a "cruel" way, but as a military partner learning to be independent and rolling with the good as well as the bad is key. But as a partner, you can't be 100% stoic about potentially losing a loved one. That is also unrealistic.
Deployments are hard as it is. You adding stress to HIS life is compounding the stress.
I'd say find a support group for spouses/GFs of military servicemen and women so you can vent there and talk to others who are in your shoes.
And, keep a journal. Write down how you feel. Work through it.
Just calm down.
Lastly, IF he can't handle that you get worried and have feelings, maybe YOU aren't the one for him.
Chin up. Everyone gets to have a freakout.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2022): You describe yourself as virtually unhinged, nasty, bad temper, quick to jump in without thinking, bad at making decisions, low self esteem, immature, needy, high maintenance and more. If you were him would you still be interested?
He cannot even believe a word you say - it is like Doctor Jekyll and Mr Hyde, mr nice and then mr nasty, no idea of which one will pop up next or how long for. This is not about your boyfriend, this is about you. As for you saying you made a lot of sacrifices for this, perhaps you regret doing that, but that is your choice, not his fault. I personally cannot see how you could have made big sacrifices for this. It's not as if you were offered a terrific well paid job on the other side of the world, something that is a one off. People who are good enough to get such offers would get more of them later anyway.
Your boyfriend will now be wondering what the point is to being your boyfriend. After all a relationship is supposed to be about love and happiness, not upsets, arguments, nasty emails etc. He should be able to rely on you and be sure of you.
You need to learn to think things through before you act.
Not jump to conclusions, not be so spiteful.
Because no man wants such a girlfriend.
You need to go to a qualified and experienced therapist and tell them you need cognitive behaviour therapy and help with self esteem.
Please don't kid yourself that you can do this alone.
If you could you would have changed your behaviour ages ago and this would never have happened. If you don't get the therapy you need -and it will take time - you will end up losing this guy, and other guys in the future.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2022): I have no idea how he will react. Since it's important for you that you stay together, I'll say this. Your bf knows that you're unstable ("I get very anxious and depressed and can't see beyond my own nose at times, and he was really hurt and angry that I'd been so selfish.")and he is with you despite that. Maybe he'll just chalk this up as yet another one of youur episodes.
Now, how on earth could you have accdientlay send an email?! You need to enter an address. If you were writing it to yourself, how come you entered you bf's address.
Freud would say that you have unconscious desire to let him know because you do believe that your bf is reponsible for your emotions. The problem with core beliefs is this: you intelectually know when they are wrong, but it takes tremendous will, patience and determination to act like that. We mostly act as if they were true. It's easier.
If that is the only thing you wrote, it doesn't sound that bad. You are worried about him. It's normal.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2022): Okay let's take a deep breath for a moment.
Are you an anxiety sufferer? Your post screams that of the symptoms. If so, then are you having treatment for this? Do you have a counsellor? Take medication?
If not, i'd say you're being very dramatic here, and need to occupy your time more whilst your boyfriend is away.
You are guilt tripping him and you know it. You're guilt tripping him for having the nerve to work away in the navy. Believe it or not, he won't be thinking of you all the time because he will be too busy to do so. He won't be able to check his emails all the time because guess what else? He will be too busy to do so!
You need to get a friendship circle going and spend time with them to keep your mind busy. You are relying on contact with this guy far too much and it's not healthy for your own wellbeing.
Out of interest, you say you've been together a year but how long has he been deployed for? You may find that as much as you rely on and crave this relationship, it's foundations just aren't for you. You seem to have great difficulty being away from him and so it may be that you need to find somebody closer to home with less of a demanding role to spend time with.
I can't say I blame you in a way as long distance relationships rarely work out. The reliance on email communication is not a good foundation to get to know each other properly.
What are you future goals here? Marriage? Settling down? You need go weigh all of this up realistically and decide whether you can meet your goals with this guy.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (22 May 2022):
 Sorry, I'm finding your post difficult to believe. If you were writing the email "to yourself", why would you put in your boyfriend's email address? The address field didn't just populate itself. I think you did mean to send it to him but wrote it the way you did so you could pretend you hadn't meant to send it him if it all backfired.
I don't know much about navy life but I am pretty sure that, similar to the army, they have support services/groups for the partners of people serving. Have you tried to find out about these and, perhaps, chat to other wives/girlfriends whose partners are serving in the navy? They will understand your worries and be able to offer support from first hand experience.
Your worries and concerns are legitimate but your boyfriend has enough on his plate without worrying about you. You need to try to find some other person/s to whom you can express your concerns.
Stay strong.
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