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I sense it is not over between us but what do I do now?

Tagged as: Troubled relationships

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Question - (9 December 2010)

7 Answers - (Newest, 18 December 2010)

A female age 41-50, anonymous writes:

So the issue with us is commitment. We know each other for a long time. We used to be friends until things gradually started to change. After months of flirting and dating without a label (no sex but some kissing always him pursuing me, trying to be with me every day, calling me on the phone, even learning my language, I wasn't sure at the time) he said he wanted it casual (free to see other people) I was not comfortable having sex on a casual basis and hurt that after all this time spent with me he didn't know me well enough to know I am not this kind of person so we broke it off. We since had a huge fight (retroactive jealousy of a past fling of mine a long time ago) followed by heartfelt apologies etc and I completely dissappeared. It has been over a month of complete no contact and I ran into him. It was a small victory as I looked really hot and had two guys pining for my attention (ironically I don't want to date anyone else). He came over to say hi, then continued staring all night long we had a brief conversation where he stuttered foolish things nervously and couldn't keep eye contact. he then asked me to go out with him and a group of friends on tuesday (we always used to go to this bar with these friends on tuesdays) and I politely declined. He asked if he could call me and I said that would be fine. That was a week ago. His friends say he is miserable without me and even I sense it is not over between us but what do I do now? He really hurt my pride during our meltdown and I can't afford to take the first step nor do I want to be his friend since I have feelings even though we started as friends. I miss him a lot though and it looks like he may miss me (without wanting to assume what is not there) but I don't want to be his booty call at all. Any help is appreciated. Thanks in advance

View related questions: booty call, flirt, jealous, kissing

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A reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2010):

Well, with these added details, it sounds more like he's running scared of you. His feelings for you are strong, but he's afraid of commitment and being tied down to one woman--as many men are. He may even be afraid of getting hurt. Discovering that you had that relationship with his friend certainly couldn't haved helped things.

You may be right. It may have made you look differently in his eyes.

I would be worried that a man like this may have a "Madonna Complex," in which if you ever married him and had a child, he'd no longer find you sexually attractive. Instead, you'd become the Madonna in his eyes. Is he Catholic or from such a background?

Another thing that strikes me is that this guy, whom I'm assuming to be around your age, seems very immature.

I hope you'll keep us updated and let us know how it goes. Best of luck to you and merry Christmas!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2010):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Once again thanks for taking the time aunt honesty. See, this is where it gets confusing. He could have had me. He had me right where he wanted me. In bed with him. Sure he rushed the issue a bit for my liking but he could have sweet talked me into it just fine but he didn't. This is how I found out he wanted something casual and this why I am so hugely confused because of the time and energy he put in pursuing me all these months, partly also because I could have gotten it all so very wrong. It is seriously disturbing. Even during our last chance meeting all my instincts told me he was a man in love and I am usually never prone to over romanticizing. The more I think about it is about the fling in the past with one of his friends. Maybe it reduced my worth as girlfriend material in his eyes even though it was long before anything ever happened between us. In fact I already knew back then he had a thing for me. everyone did. Who knows. Eventually I do plan to talk to him in private if for my peace of mind alone. I will be seeing him again at least twice this week at mutual friends' Christmas parties. I am dreading and looking forward to it at the same time. Wish me luck and thank soooo much for your input. This isn't something I can discuss with my friends as we share a whole bunch of them :-)

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A female reader, aunt honesty +, writes (10 December 2010):

Well the thing is if he wants your body that badly then he will take as much time as he has to persue it, none of the less maybe he does genuinely have feelings for you but he just wasnt ready for a commitment at the time.

Maybe you should concider calling him up and asking him to meet and have a chat with you, put all of your cards on the table and see what he wants as well as you, have an open and honest conversation with him, and ask him were you stand with him, tell him you like him as a person but that you are not going to sell yourself short if he is only after your body.

Goodluck.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2010):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Hi this is the OP here. Thanks for taking the time and would welcome any more opinions coming my way. To clarify, the fling happened long before me and the guy in question were ever an item but it concerned a friend of his. Also, no worries aunt honesty. My pants are staying firmly on no matter what he says. I know better than that. It's killing me but I can't do anything about it though I miss being close to him (we never had sex but we were iseperable for months). But really, ten months trying is a looong time just to get in someone's pants. Don't know.I am confused. Definitely don't want to be one of the many... Liked the poem :-).

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A female reader, mysticpurple +, writes (9 December 2010):

Hi there

It does sound like at this time that he doesnt want to make a committment to anybody but play the field, and you dont want to be just another name on his list..why sell yourself short.. if you 2 are truely friends... then friends you will stay otherwise the friendship wasnt really worth anything to begin with. :)

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A female reader, aunt honesty +, writes (9 December 2010):

Well i think it needs to be up to him to make the first move here not you, it is clear he wants you sexually and nothing else, and he is acting like a sulking child who cant get his own way. Be careful with this type of bloke because he may start saying sweet nothings to you to get you to have sex with him, he aint worth it he only wants your body not you.

If he cared about you then he would call you and apologise and say he wanted to date you and treat you right and not expect just sex from you, i think you are better off without him.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2010):

I'm kind of confused about why you two had a big fight about a past love when you'd already broken up. It shows your feelings for each other are still strong.

At any rate, it seems that you two are playing a lot of games and letting pride ruin any possibility of a reconciliation.

It reminds me of a poem I read from one of my favorite poets, Bobette Bryan, which I'm posting here with permission:

Winter Heart

Winter has unfolded

and tucked my heart

in the white wings

of distant clouds.

There should be sunlight

on these crisp autumn days.

There should be singing from

the tops of trees.

But the world is quiet,

and the sky has bleached itself

of color and light.

I believe there was something

warm once in your heart for me,

but it is asleep now and silent

for pride has turned

your heart into snow

and has brought the winter

to mine.

Normally, I'd say let the guy come to you. But in this situation, it's apparent that you both have a great deal of passion for each other.

You two need to sit down and talk before it's too late. Resentment builds with silence. Contact him and tell him you'd like to talk in person. When you're together, explain to him what you will and won't allow in a relationship. If he has changed his mind and is now willing to agree to an exclusive relationship, then that would be wonderful for both of you. If he's not willing to agree to this and still wants to play the field, then he's not ready for serious commitment and you need to move on.

Either way, you'll get the answer you need and know what direction you need to take.

Best of luck,

Betty

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