A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi All,I'm feeling so lonely. It's always highlighted at this time of year (Valentine's Day).I seem to be eternally single, after having dated a number of men who just haven't treated me right.To be honest, I look at myself, and I can't understand why I'm single. Everyone tells me I'm a great catch and they can't understand it. I'm also told I'm very attractive - it just appears that I attract men who maybe just want me for one thing!I'm starting to feel desperate to be loved. No matter how full my social life is, I feel so incredibly alone.To top it all, I have an ex-boyfriend, whom I totally loved so much......finished with me suddenly but due to family pressure (although I know he did love me)...but he's afraid to let me go completely and keeps coming in and out of my life...then disappearing cos he tells me he can't handle his feelings.......and I can't seem to walk away from him because I still feel love for him whenever we see each other...just want him to break away from his family pressures and come back me!Deep down, I realise that he will never come true as being the man I end up with (he has lots of personal issues)........I just find it hard to cut him off. And whenever I try, he comes back even stronger.And, at the age of 33, I'm now feeling that I'll never meet that special someone.Does anyone else feel as disillusioned as I?How can I feel better?Will I ever be happy in love?xx Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2008): I disagree with Eve. I guess I will be the first.
I dress classy. I'm extremely intelligent. I have a degree, and a great career. I get PAID to do art. I'm a popular photographer. How hot am I? I'm an ex-model. And I know how the poster feels. Although I am NOT hung up on an ex. At all. I've been single for a year. I have standards. I don't let guys get into my pants without knowing me. I haven't had sex for this entire year. I go out with my friends, and have fun, and never drink. and I have met NO one. I don't think your advice is that helpful. Sometimes no matter how great you are, or how much you try, you've just "lost it". I used to have men eating out of my hands. Actually, all of my life. And now I've had not one in a year. Sometimes it's not what you do. I think sometimes it just is what it is.
A
male
reader, Country Bumpkin +, writes (21 February 2007):
 You'll need to register with this site then click on my logo to email me via Dear Cupid.org. We have to do it this way, as you'll appreciate if we gave out email or IM address's we'd be swamped.
Hope to hear from you soon.
M
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2007): Guys, thanks again for your advice.
I must stress though that I never have sex with anyone easily. But often the men that I meet disappear after realising that I am not "an easy lay".
Which clearly means that I must attract men with the wrong intentions from the start - even though I'm intelligent, good humoured, and never dress tartily!! But I know I am needy/desperate for a relationship - I try not to show it, but it is difficult!
I give up now! ;-)
But you have all cheered me up, somewhat - with your positive tones.
Thanks again.
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (9 February 2007):
 Eve's advice is very good. She describes an unfortunate tendency men have (that we often don't realize we have).
We put women into two categories: women we'll have sex with, and women we'll have a long term committed relationship with. The women in the second group are part of the first group, but not vice versa.
Men will often give all the signs of wanting to be in a relationship in order to get sex, but then will (usually quickly) lose interest. We know that women are almost always looking for the second thing, namely a relationship, so we pretend (often without knowing) that that's also what we want too.
There are things that you can do that help you not get put in the first group. Eve describes a lot of them very well. If you are percieved as too sexually available, too 'easy', too desperate, then men will quickly put you in that group. We think (and I wish we didn't), that 'Oh well I can have sex with her easily, so she's not long term girlfriend material'. We automatically assume that if we can have you easily, then so can someone else, and that makes you 'not a catch'. For a long term partner we want to feel that she is 'a prize', and for that to be true she has to be hard to get.
That's why sleeping with someone soon in a relationship can cause the relationship to end soon after: we think 'If she slept with me quickly then she'd do that with anyone, so the's not a catch'. Of course women don't think like that... or act like that. Men are wrong :) But none the less that's the way we are biologically programmed to feel, and sometimes despite our best efforts we end up putting girls into that first category.
It's also why some men have a hard time learning about their girlfriends previous sex life, if it was an active one. You can do everything right with your boyfriend and then ruin it by telling him you used to have one night stands. That can move you immediately from the girlfriend category to the sex-only category in one quick fall. That's why its so important to be careful when discussing sexual histories. I learned this from painful first hand experience.
So my advice is to play hard to get: the harder a guy has to work to win you, the more he'll want to hang onto you once he has you. And once he has the image of you as 'a catch', make sure you never break that image.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2007): Hi,
I do agree with the others. Everybody tells you that you are an attractive woman and that you should find someone. I think you should look around you carefully.Maybe someone is waiting for you and you haven't noticed him before!Life is so strange, especially when it's to do with love...If i were you, I wouldn't be so desperate. Your turn will come and you will find your one...Just be patient and more confident.
Concerning your ex boyfriend, what you need to do is to let him go forever. You are getting hurted more and more, it's not healthy!Have you thought about telling him that? It's important to keep him away...Good luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2007): Hello All
Thanks for all your advice.
To respond to AskEve - I never dress tartily - am very classy, but I think men just find me sexy because although I am slim, I have a curvy figure, and look good - I think they always approach me based on physical attraction....I never sleep with men on a first date...but what I am finding is that a lot of these men are only interested in that, as they lose interest if I don't "put out" quickly enough!
The ex thing is a difficult one - he has lost confidence due to poor health and family pressures pulling him away to go and live with them in another European country. He now doesn't feel independent enough to come back to the UK, where we met. But it's like he doesn't want to let me go. I think he loves me, but is in no state to be able to come back and be with me just yet.
I guess what I fear by cutting him off for good is that he keeps giving me hope that he does want to be with me, and just needs some time......it's that little hope that keeps me under his thumb.
I know all of you are right.
I think my problem now is that I feel needy and also have a huge distrust in men, due to past experiences. I've realised I am now quite guarded as a person, whenever I meet someone new.
Country bumpkin - sure great to chat. Cheer each other up with our woe stories!
If there are any other single men and women, feeling a bit low out there, or maybe a positive influence....well would be great to chat too!
Thanks all x
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A
female
reader, bindi +, writes (9 February 2007):
I agree with Eve on this, try and enjoy life on your own with friends because until you are over your ex etc you will never have room for another man anyway. Take your time you're still a young intelligent woman who has got everything going for her. There are plenty of fish in the sea and it will all happen when you least expect it.Be brave and don't be messed about by anyone including ex. If he cared that much he would be with you come hell or high waters, family or no family .Don't be afraid of being alone for a while with no men in your life. You can do it girl so go for it. Good luck!
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A
male
reader, Country Bumpkin +, writes (9 February 2007):
In answer to one of your questions, yes there are some of us out here that feel as disillusioned as you. I won't bore you with my tales of woe but I am 44 and still single. I thought I'd found the love of my life but she left me for someone else. I get told similar things; your a nice guy, there will be someone for you, I can't believe your still single you'd be a great catch.
I know it won't make sense right now but you don't need this guy coming and going when it suits him. If he doesn't know what he wants now he never will and if he is prepared to put his 'family pressures' over you then you need to forget him and find someone who will put you first.
I find christmas and valentines a very lonely time too. Everyone is happy in their own relationships and you feel like you don't fit in anywhere.
I don't want to sound like I'm hitting on you but if you want to chat and compare notes over this difficult period you are welcome to mail me though this site, I'll check this post again just in case you need help mailing.
This site has helped me to realise that even though I'm single and feel very alone I can still hold up my head and be proud of myself and someone, the right someone, WILL come along soon. We just have to wait longer than others.
Try not to let things get you down, I know the worst thing to see is a happy couple and I'll bet you cry at the telly when you see someone in love or a couple getting married. Don't worry. it's not just you, we do it as well.
Best wishes for the future, don't sit by the letter box waiting for something to come because it probably won't and if it does it will probably be from the wrong one.
You sound like a nice person and you derserve more but I'll bet you've heard all that before. Hang in there.
Best wishes.
Mx
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A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (9 February 2007):
 First of all take a good long look at yourself in a mirror. How do you dress? When you go out do you dress too provocatively? Are your skirts too short? Your top too low? The way you dress can tell a lot about a woman, try not to dress so nothing is left to the imagination. Tasteful and elegant goes much further than tacky and tight.
Be more choosy in the type of man you're after and don't just latch on to the first one that shows you a bit of attention. Try and be assertive and confident and let your personality shine through rather than your cleavage. Don't appear to "needy". Men spot this a mile off and you'll end up getting someone who's just out for a good time with you so BE CHOOSY!
You say you can't shake off your ex. Although you're still fond of him you KNOW it won't work with him but you think having him there is better than having no one... WRONG! You have to close the door on him once and for all and move on. When one door closes another one opens and only then! If you really WANT to cut away from him then you can but just now you don't want to and that is why you're finding it so difficult. Be strong, tell him IT'S OVER and for him to move on with his life. That way you can then move on with yours too. Keep thinking positive thoughts. You ARE a wonderful person, you DO deserve someone with no hangups to love you unconditionally, you WILL find someone when the time is right.
When you go out with friends, don't go out LOOKING for a man, go out and enjoy yourself, make sure you don't get too drunk (always keep your wits about you or you'll again attract the losers) and simply enjoy yourself. Smile and laugh. That way, by your personality alone, you'll ATTRACT the right kind of man to you. If you do meet someone, remember your worth. DON'T sleep with them on a first date, or a second for that matter. Get to know them first. If they respect you at all then they would never try to come on to you too quickly so have morals and principles.
If you do those things and think about what I've said then you'll have men eating out of your hand in no time and who knows.... one of them might just by the man of your dreams.
Eve
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