A
female
age
36-40,
*oveyourselffirst
writes:Guy I've been seeing for over a month won't stop texting when I'm around him! Was I out of line by the way I handled this? Is there a better way I should have handled it?I was over at his house. Literally from the time I got there until right before I left, he never put his phone down. His phone makes the loudest cat yowl when he gets a text. That's the sound he chose. I made several remarks about it to indicate it's growing annoyance. He apologized and said he'd stop and that he'd tell his friends to leave him a alone for a bit. He then proceeds to tell me that a friend of his has a crush on him and sent him a nude photo of herself. He's not interested, but she's texting him. He's going to ignore her. He just wanted me to know so that when I meet her later, I'll know why she will be mean towards me.Five minutes later, this most annoying text sound of a cat yowl starts up again. Now it's a male friend bored at work wanting to chat. I again, remark how distracting that is. He apologized, put his phone on vibrate, and put it down. A few minutes later, I catch him texting behind a couch pillow! Seriously!?He made the most guilty "caught" face. I asked if he was done and was going to spend time with me now. He got defensive! He claimed he was doing nothing wrong, just trying to catch a ride to work in the morning because his car is in the shop. He was having a bad day finding out about his car needing $1500 worth of service. He wanted to have a good night with me, and I was just making it worse. So I said I should just leave. He said I was overreacting.So I sat back down and calmly explained to him how rude I thought he was being and pointed out that I'm never on my phone when I'm around him because our time is important to me. I pointed out that I didn't think it was appropriate to tell me about the nude picture from the girl, keep texting on that note, then carry on a conversation with a buddy, and keep texting after I indicate it's bothering me. I asked him how it would make him feel if the situation was reversed. He said it wouldn't bother him! I told him that I would be sure to be more blunt when his actions are bothering me so he won't assume my showing of minor agitation means it's okay for him to keep doing it. He said I'm sensitive about "little stupid insignificant things". I said it's that way to him but not me. After the talk, I hugged him and left.Later, he joked that I'm "emotionally unstable". I didn't even want to get into it over that remark. Am I? Was I being too sensitive here? Should I have dropped it so as not to make his day any worse?
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (14 March 2014):
 Not that I wish for you to be treated badly, but I'm sort of glad he acted the way he did because, as you say, he only made it easier for you to dump him. If he'd given you a guilt trip and promised to be better you might have been tempted to take him back.
So glad to hear he's out of your life.
Thanks for letting us know how it turned out. Most of the time people don't bother to even acknowledge our input so we never know if it's actually helped.
The very best of luck to you.
A
female
reader, loveyourselffirst +, writes (14 March 2014):
loveyourselffirst is verified as being by the original poster of the question@Honeypie hahahaha!!! I really should try to profit off of this with a book! I think that would be an awesome silver lining hahaha!!!
Really thank you to everyone that has answered my posts! I appreciate all of the support ya'll have given me through this mess. And don't worry about me becoming bitter. If anything, this has made me stronger. If this guy is one of the lemons, then there has got to be a strawberry out there for me...maybe even dipped in chocolate.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (14 March 2014):
 What a delightful gentleman.Really a joy to be around - NOT. Pat yourself on the back for having dodged this one ( and no, he wasn't "hurt" because he loved you oh so much, he simply got his his ego bruised because he thought you were easier to manipulate and thought it was already deal done with you ). Are you really surprised, OP ? After the constant texting and the nude pics ?... I am not saying that just because he was texting all the time.... but, yeah, after all it IS what I am saying :): if he acts like a rude disrespectful jerk,- then chances are he IS a rude disrespectful jerk. For the future keep it in mind when setting standards : be flexible on the details ( body type,looks, , hobbies, which place he is from or what car he drives or what music he likes etc. etc . ) but inflexible about the basics . Like, respect and kindness.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (13 March 2014):
 I agree with All the other Aunties and Uncles here.
CUT yourself some slack. Most people PU their VERY best foot forward when they date, and my guess is that when you go online (like dating sties) people "spruce" up their profile just a little - kind of like most people do on their work-CV.
So you REALLY don't know what you get til you have met them and spend a little time with them.
Cerberus was right when he said, you ALREADY knew this guy was a lemon. That is why you made your original post. YOUR gut told you this is not really OK for a guy to do. But you WANTED to hear that it either could be fixed or that it wasn't so bad.
So... TRUST your gut. You know what is OK for you and what is NOT OK.
And don't give up. Don't BLAME yourself for running into a few toads or frogs, at least you DO know hot to stand up for yourself and say, yeah let me toss that one back.
And yes, you should write a fun disaster date book - who knows maybe you could profit from the tools you have met so far .
There is ALWAYS a silver lining, you just have to find it.
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A
female
reader, loveyourselffirst +, writes (13 March 2014):
loveyourselffirst is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUpdate:
I did it. I told him how I feel. I let him talk first, then I talked. He was hurt as expected. He said hurtful things to me as I expected from him. One was calling me shallow and ended with hoping the next guy just wants me for sex and mistreats me because that is what I deserve. Him saying that really makes this easier and even more relieved he's out of my life. Too bad being older than he led me to believe didn't come with a bigger dose of maturity.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2014): OP I'll never get how people and especially women view being single as being alone. I mean I understand why it is, just never felt "alone" while single because I have great friends and family. I don't consider not having a romantic relationship as being alone and never have.
OP every single person who has answered this question is a big fat "failure" in terms of romantic relationships. Sure some of us have partners now and are in successful relationships but every relationship before that can be technically classed as a failure. It means nothing. Failure is not a loss, it's not a defeat. Very few have their life long love as their first partner. Some of us have even failed after decades with that person and have put up with a lot worse shit than you may ever have to face.
I personally went through hordes of idiot women, and even some really great ones that just didn't work out for various reasons, mostly my own idiocy, before I met my wife.
I don't look back on those with regret, to me they're fun stories, that I thought were fun even while single.
It's called life, OP, you live and you learn and the fact that your list of what you don't want keeps growing means that you are learning and refining your technique.
My list is huge, and they're things most people would be fine with such as vegetarians, feminists, religious people, right wing people, conservative people, non-sarcastic people, over emotional, women who have cheated in the past (literally 50% of all of them), women with eating disorders including over-indulgence, women with a history of self-harm, separated women, party girls, insecure women, women who won't shut about their weight, women who are just out of relationships, women with shit grammar, ones who don't like dogs, ones who have no idea about current affairs, women who side with Israel, support an opposing football team, gold diggers, think chivalry is concept that's important, women who hate videos games. I could go on all day and not to even mention annoying little habits I can't deal with, talking with mouth full, poor hygiene especially down stairs, annoying ring tones, getting really emotional about a nice old fashioned argument.
The only advice I can give you, OP, is that it took you over a month to get rid of this fool when you should have ran at the first sign of trouble.
Again the cat yowl was the first sign for me. The nude picture thing was another. The constantly on his phone while with you another. 3 strikes out.
Be more ruthless quicker, don't give idiots a chance beyond the first sign of trouble, it's not up to you to train grown men, you're not their mother.
When it comes to standards keep them high, just don't be picky. For example, the guy likes to play warhammer 40k and you think that's a very nerdy, loser past time, give that guy a chance anyway if he's good to you. I could date a feminist if she wasn't the type that completely disregards male views. I could deal with a religious woman if she was okay with letting our children choose for themselves as adults and wasn't oppressive towards gay people.
Where you went wrong in this instance was trying to excuse behaviours which are unacceptable by trying to ignore them and see if the good outweight the bad or he can be fixed. Screw that.
Have your deal breakers and stick to them, nothing at all can ever make up for a guy who with all due respect showed no real interest. In his place I not only wouldn't have my phone on, but I'd be paying you sole attention, finding out what makes you tick, how you feel about the world and making moves too.
Never accept a person who makes you feel in the wrong for feeling a certain way. It's okay to disagree on something, but it's never okay to just cast down the importance of something to someone just because you don't agree.
Take your time, focus on you and if you come across a guy you like then give it a shot. Just be more ruthless so you don't feel you've wasted your time. Stop ignoring negatives and trying to tolerate them, that's a guy on his best behaviour trying to impress, if there are negatives then there's worse to come.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2014): My dear, I'm single too. I'm glad we are here for you to vent your frustrations.
I regret to inform you, that what you are experiencing is what dating is all about. Finding and considering possible prospects, and eliminating the losers.
Let's try and make things clear about "standards."
Set only standards you yourself can live up to. Unrealistic expectations and unreasonable standards are a waste of time. It's creating a prototype of a human-being with every single desirable-trait you can image. Then expecting humanity to live up to an imaginary-creation.
What you are looking for is someone who is compatible, who is attracted to you; and has impeccable character. These qualifications just can't be compromised or overlooked.
There are lots of single-people out there, and everyone wants someone nice to settle-down with. So you are going to accidentally run into some guys who are not deserving of you, or anyone with a level-head and decent values.
Do not...I repeat, do not become bitter and cynical. Don't become jaded by your frustrations over a few bad-apples. That is a bit extreme.
As I previous suggested in my first response, take no disrespect from any man. That is a deal-breaker no matter what. However; taking the stance that all guys must be a-holes isn't fair. You wouldn't appreciate me turning that around about females. Because it isn't true in any case.
You've only had the misfortune of running into the worst.
Who the hell hasn't? It's going to take patience and perseverance. Losing hope at this point, isn't showing
strength of character in your own defense.
You have flaws, and if you can prove yourself perfect; please pardon my presumptions.
Yes, it is a good idea to just take a break. Just enjoy being single. That's what I'm doing. I have plenty of friends, enjoy exchanging flirtations with random admirers, and just living my life. Yet, I'm being pleasant and staying open-minded.
You never know when the right-guy has caught up with you. If you show him your butt, he is going to write you off as the "B" of all "B's." When you were just in the wrong frame of mind, and sending out the wrong vibe. Don't be like that.
Chill-out, girlfriend! Calm down!
I'm gay. I deal with exactly the same "types" as you do. Only they are of my own sexual-orientation. Guys searching for sugar-daddies, hustlers, kooks, narcissists, and clingy insecure guys. Men desperate for approval,dependent, and needing a host to attach to like a parasite. Guys with criminal-pasts, closet-cases, and guys not sure who or what they want.
Oh, there's a mixed bag of nuts and losers out there. You are right on all counts. Please don't give up in frustration. Just give your self a break. Meditate and regain your balance and poise. Find your inner-peace.
I try to be fair. I'm not perfect. I have my own flaws and quirks, and I know people don't have to put up with them. I just hope that I will find someone compatible with who I am. Someone who's flaws and quirks do not amount to a deal-breaker; amongst the list of reasonable criteria that we all have to set, in order to find a match.
I also want to be sure that when he does come along, I have a positive-attitude. I want to present the best of who I am at all times. I hope I have something good to offer, and he will notice the good traits that I have. I don't want to walk around with a chip on my shoulder. Presuming every other guy I meet is just another crackpot or a jerk.
That kind of thinking would make me a crackpot.
Take some time-off to regain your footing. Relax and float.
Don't let human-nature make you mean and caustic. Being judgmental and bitter are traits you don't want to add to your character. You can't blame that on other people. You are what you want to be.
I assure you. There are good men out there. The timing and and where you are at the time, has everything to do with when you'll meet him. So stay cool and mind your manners.
It's only part of the process. Nobody promised you it would be easy.
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (13 March 2014):
OP, cut yourself some slack here. These 'doozies' put their best foot forward when you first met which is why you gave them the time of day. You cut them loose fairly quickly after learning they were not ideal.
We get post after post after post...ad nauseum from women who stick around forever hoping their lemon will change. They sleep with them, get knocked up by them and put up with all sorts of nonsense. YOU DIDN'T. So don't kick yourself for meeting them. We all meet them.
Enjoy some time on your own, as you say. You have freedom. You can come and go as you please, have whatever friends you want, and watch whatever you want on tv.
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A
female
reader, loveyourselffirst +, writes (13 March 2014):
loveyourselffirst is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm done. With him. With online dating. With all of it. I'd much rather be alone and happy then be with somebody like him. For the record, I never had sex with him. Thank you God for that! I was impressed with him for respecting that at least, but the cons GREATLY outweigh the pros here. He makes 20 something's look good for just wanting sex without commitment. At least THEY ARE HONEST! I'll take honesty over manipulation any day!As far as what to say to him, As if everything else I said wasn't already a big clue that I'm NOT okay, I'm going to tell him that I can't forgive him for lying. Because that is what he did whether he thinks so or not. And I can't get passed his lies to be able to trust him. I also don't appreciate that I said I needed time to process all of this and he's been blowing up my phone while I'm at work and then accusing me of ignoring him. I did find it weird that he wanted me to be his girlfriend so fast to start with and thought it weird that I wanted to wait. But now it's like he's been pressuring me even more so to decide to be his girlfriend since he came clean about his lies. Something is seriously wrong with him, and I was right to wait. I can't stand it when someone is sooo desperate for a relationship that it's like they don't care who it's with.Hell, the guy I went out with BEFORE him told me on our first date that he was separated and had 2 kids living with him. (That was too fresh though. It had only been a year, divorce papers were on the way, and I could tell he was still hurt since she cheated on him after a 13 year marriage. HE was not ready for me, and I wasn't ready for an ex wife that he so obviously still loved. He still calls me though and I have to keep telling him that nothing has changed.) Hell, even the dude I dated briefly that had genital herpes at least told me on the first date! (No, we didn't have sex in any form in any way. He turned out to just be REALLY lonely and made me out to be his "ideal woman" up on a pedestal, and that was too intimidating like...it was unrealistic expectations for ANY woman. We are just friends now.)Yes, I know I know. I pick real doozies! I was advised once to lower my standards and not be so shallow. So I listened and this type of stuff happened. I think high standards are good..hell a happy medium would be great! Because since I've started giving out chances, I've accumulated a long list of winners in the loser category. Oh the stories I could tell, I should write a book. But it's not like men walk around with signs on their heads labeling their flaws and... sometimes very severe abnormalities like: failed noodle wrestling business, likes to dangle pendulums over pelvic "shakras" and call it a religious experience, only likes to have "open relationships" where he can sleep with anyone but the girl can't, etc etc... Those guys had me running away after date #2. And before you say it, no I didn't meet them all online. Weirdos do walk among us and not just hide behind a profile on the internet. My friends and I have shared tales of terror in the dating world. Apparently, this is common to the new generation of dating in your 20's. My list of what I WANT in a partner has stayed the same while the list of what I DO NOT want has grown and grown...and grown...still growing...I'm going back to focusing on myself. Thankfully, I'm accustomed to being single and alone. I got through multiple sets of years that way, and I'm happier on my own.
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A
female
reader, Intrigued3000 +, writes (13 March 2014):
 Good decision. RUN!!!...This guy is a loser!
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2014): OP your original post was a week ago. Read it again and pay attention to the alarm bells that were ringing in your head at that time.
Regardless of what we or your mom think your gut was telling you he's a lemon. Next time trust your gut above all else OP.
In fairness your situation is pretty hilarious. I mean it's straight out of Jennifer Aniston rom com, one of her dates that went so horribly wrong because he was the exact opposite of a man worth dating.
36, a 7 year old he never sees which there is no excuse for, lying about his age which there is no excuse for, a cat yoewl ring tone which there was no excuse for, gaslighting you etc. I could go on.
OP next time ditch the guy at the cat yowl. Really, that's all you need to know there's something wrong with a guy.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (13 March 2014):
So little bit of the truth comes out over time. Want to bet there are still more "skeletons" in his closet? Or baggage he hasn't mentioned?
Unless you want DRAMA to be the topic of your relationship, I'd say walk away now, no.. actually... run.
Lying about his age is not as big of a deal as omitting that he has a child. However, when you MADE him a card and gave him said card, he could have EASILY rectified the age lie. He chose NOT to, Apparently you don't need to know the truth.
The kid didn't matter because the kid is not a major part of his life. WOW.
Again this is SUCH a short time you have been with him, there shouldn't BE all this drama this early on.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (13 March 2014):
 I was right. He is a creep.
Get away from him now, good luck and be safe.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (13 March 2014):
 OP... wow the texting was bad enough but now to find out that he's a bald faced liar. There is no trusting this guy.
and for him to get OFFENDED when you called him on his desire to "get you hooked" before dropping all these bomb shells on you was priceless. What better way to deflect that truth than to accuse your accuser. You are 100% correct that's what he did. He withheld information that was vital to your making a decision about a relationship with a man who is much older than you thought (and the lie he gave you for why it was wrong on the profile was just that a lie) who has a child.
And yes when you gave him a birthday card that was the time to come clean about lie #1.
You are much better off without this guy. BUT I caution you that men like him will try very hard to win you back and convince you to "give me a chance to prove to you I'm an honest guy." Don't fall for it. it's just one more trick to get you hooked deeper. Human nature is such that most of us don't walk away from something we have invested time and money in, even if it's a bad relationship.
Walk now.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (13 March 2014):
 Oh my god.
You *are* emotionally unstable if you do NOT leave him.
He deliberately lied about his age.
He disowned his own son in order to have sex with you.
How the hell would you feel if your father said you weren't important? Could you ever be serious about a man who cares so little about his own flesh and blood?
He lied to get in your pants. I wouldn't be surprised if he wasn't still married.
Like I said, if you stay with him one more day, you're insane.
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female
reader, loveyourselffirst +, writes (13 March 2014):
loveyourselffirst is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUpdate:My! How the tables have turned!After talking about the texting thing, he started leaving his phone in the other room when I was around so he wouldn't upset me again. He hasn't talked to that friend of his again since she made him uncomfortable and it clearly upset me. It meant a lot to me. We agreed to be open with each other, really listen, and refrain from name calling when we argue.Then he decides to come clean about his true age. His dating profile had said 29. He said that he clicked the wrong thing when he initially created the profile and then the system wouldn't let him change it once he realized he clicked the wrong birth year. So he's actually 36. Yea...whoa! I asked him why he didn't tell me a month ago when we met and his excuse was "I thought you knew". He doesn't look 36. In fact, I thought he was going to say he was younger than me. His birthday was a few weeks ago. I had made him a card. Uh...he didn't think to tell me then?Then turns out some other information was left off his profile. Like the fact he has a 7 year old son that lives 3 hours away, and he sees him once a month. What!? And he didn't think this was a card he should have put on the table when we first met??? WTF!? It's not like it bothers me, but why did he wait until now, a month later, to tell me??? His excuse was that he didn't think it mattered since the kid's not a major part of his life anyway. The story was very heartbreaking. But still, why hide that for a month? I asked him if he was trying to hook me before dropping this on me, and he got offended.I told him that what bothers me is his apparent lack of my feelings on ANYTHING! He said that's not true. I told him that I question his honesty and his character. He wants to show me that he's not a dishonest person.I just can't deal with it. The minor disrespectfulness of texting, I could train him on. But this? I can't trust him. He has a total lack of morality. I was trying to hold out for an event we both were going to go to together because it's something we have in common and I knew it would be fun. We'd get to share the side of each other that we were attracted to in the first place. Apparently, it's the only thing we have in common! I can't. I already paid for the event, but screw it. I can't even go. This is over.
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female
reader, Ciar +, writes (9 March 2014):
'After talking with friends and exes, I learned that the "oversensitivity" goes away once you find the right guy that respects you.'WRONG. Oversensitivity 'goes away' when you stop relying on others to do or be what you want and start relying on yourself to do what you need to do to ensure your well being, and that includes walking away at the first red flag. As long as your source of security is external you will forever be at the mercy of others. I have to respectfully disagree with your mum as well. Frankly, I can't believe she gave you such advice. Not cooking a meal to someone's exact specifications is NOT the same as accepting nude pictures from a so called friend while you're trying to convince another woman to be your girlfriend, and ignoring a guest so you exchange text messages with others. I think your mum would see it very differently if her early dates with your dad consisted of her twiddling her thumbs while he chatted with friends on a pay phone. This guy has demonstrated a considerable lack of class, courtesy and maturity. And only a month in. This is the courting phase during which a man is the most attentive and accommodating he is ever going to be. If this is how he behaves in one month, imagine how he'll be in a year.Sticking around sets a bad precedent and is exactly the kind of thing that causes your hyper sensitivity. If you want better from a man then you have to be better yourself. The person you need to be able to trust the most is you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2014): Your mom gave you some very good advice. Did she read the things you said in your post? Or did you slightly change things; because we didn't exactly say what you wanted to hear.
Yes, couples fight. This isn't just an issue about fighting. It is about respect and consideration. It also included a female who is sending your boyfriend naked pictures of herself. You said he was very patient with you about sex. Well, there may be a reason behind that. He might be getting it somewhere else.
You don't let guys get away with being disrespectful of your feelings or treating you as if you are a fool. If you had presented your story to your mother as you presented to us; perhaps there would have been something regarding "respect" in her answer. This isn't 1968, but nothing has changed regarding how people should treat each other.
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A
female
reader, Intrigued3000 +, writes (7 March 2014):
I think your mom gave you great advice. No one is perfect. There must be something about this guy that makes you want to give him a second chance, so go for it. See where it leads. The best advice you can follow is what your gut (instincts) are telling you. If your instincts are telling you to give him a chance, then go for it.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (7 March 2014):
I have to respectfully disagree with your mom. Or, in fact, her reasoning is sound in principle and in general lines, unfit to been applied to this particular guy and circumstances.
It's true that you can't expect anybody to be perfect to your specifications, made to order and just like out of the factory. It's true that dialogue and communication are the key to solve many issues. You talk, say your point of view, he say his, you both recognize what the problem is, and set about to fix it, negotiate, compromise etc.etc.
But, you talked to him - and he blew you off . He said you are loony, basically. He treated your issue as if it were just a passing case of out of control PMS.
It takes two to talk things out. If either your dad or your mom would have short circuited the " cooking tiff " with a : F..k your ham, and f..k you !, ( as in the spirit this guy did although in the letter with more civilized ,acceptable terms ) I doubt they would still be together today.
Plus, there are, and there must be, non- negotiables which you don't have to debate about, and can just consider a given. You can't keep reinventing the wheel, you can't keep teaching your man that two plus two makes four, and that water is wet . And that you he can't blow his nose with his hands, must use a tissue. You are his date , not his kindergarten teacher. By his age, he is supposed to know already that acting as he did is very disrespectful, both about the texting and about the nude pic girl. I think he knows it perfectly and is just playing dumb. But if he really does not know, if he is really surprised and taken aback by your reaction... this puppy is not housebroken, the smart thing is leaving him in the kennel.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2014): "Rather I should worry about girls he doesn't tell me about."
That's a pretty crappy deflection if you ask me, what a stupid thing to say.
How about having the decency not to dangle other women in front of you in the first place? How about saying, sorry, that was a bit much there won't be "other" girls to discuss in that way in the future.
I know what your mom is saying, the message is a good one but in your context it's not relevant. She's not you and she didn't date in age of sexts, the internet and video games. Sure she and your dad may have arguments but would she really have continued dating him in the 60's if he sat in the hallway on the phone the entirety of their dates? or if he stood at a pay phone and talked while they were supposed to be having a meal, or ignored her and sat talking to his friends all night? No, OP, it was the 60's, he would have been too busy just having fun with her and sharing moments, regardless of the fact that they can have blow-outs. Make no mistake, OP, your dad wouldn't have gotten her if he didn't show at least some consideration.
Even they couldn't have made it work if your dad had absolutely no consideration for her and was constantly off in his own world during their dates.
Fighting over undercooked meat is very different than a guy who is fighting over his right to be an inconsiderate douche, your parents are probably passionate people that work really well even when fighting because it keeps things passionate. He's not showing any of that to you.
OP your mother is working under the assumption this dude is traditional because he hasn't jumped your bones yet.
That may sound nice, but the reality is he's not making the effort to get to know you as a person either. A traditional gentleman type like your mom seems to think he is, doesn't have sex early because he wants to have an emotional, intellectual and mental connection first, this guy is doing none of that.
She's also working under the assumption that you should fight for him, but why? It's only been a month, he's done nothing to earn that kind of chance and in fact he's done too much to blow it already.
OP your mother does sound awesome, but she also sounds a bit desperate for you to settle down and find a man, I just don't think she really gets how important that phone thing is and his reaction wasn't one you should tolerate or try to train him in either.
I know you're going to follow her advice, and why not? You'll see how it goes.
It's only been one month and he's already doing this type of shit, he already has no respect for your opinions on this matter so her idea that communication can fix this won't work because he belittle;'s your feelings. You'll see how this "gentleman" may well listen and for a while put his phone down. But any issue you and he have will always end up like this, he's just too immature.
"he's not asking her to be his girlfriend or she would be already."
What an arrogant little shit he is.
Best of luck, OP, this guy obviously thinks he's smarter and knows better than you already. Apparently the guy is irresistible and you're the lucky one.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (7 March 2014):
With all due respect to your mom, I would throw this particular fish back into the ocean.
We have a texting habit that overtakes focusing on the woman he is supposed to want to have as his girlfriend.
We have a guy who has girls sending nude pictures (is he in your age range? late 20s?) He announces she will be mean to you when you meet up with her? Excuse me, he should ignore her from now on. If he's not interested in her, why is he still texting her? Nope. Wrong.
He blames you for spoiling the mood of the evening. Ha. I have to laugh, that's sheer manipulation.
Instead of apologizing for continuing to ignore you, he blames you for overreacting. He goes on to say you are too sensitive.
Then he says you are emotionally unstable.
This guy isn't like your Dad, I hope? Does your Dad diminish, discount and insult your Mother often?
You're not boyfriend/girlfriend and his idea of a good night is to text with the girl who sends nude pics and his other buddies.
He sounds like a lot of a creep. And a lot like a teenager.
Throw this one back. Ask your Mom again when you run into small issues with a kind, respectful guy who isn't sharing nude pics with random women.
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reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 March 2014):
Good thinking to talk to your mom.
And GOOD for you in finding some empowerment in KNOWING you weren't WRONG in how you felt. TRUST in yourself. TRUST your gut.
I agree with your mom up to a point. A guy HIS age SHOULD know that you do not sit on your cell phone when you have your girl over. However, I know some people (specially your generation) will whip their phones out ANY where and ANY time, but seriously... If he doesn't understand (without you having to SPELL it out) what he did was disrespectful, do you really think he ever will? He might not do it for a while to try and appease you, but I just don't see him change this, however, I guess time will tell.
And then there is the naked shot from his "female friend" issue.....
The whole "calling you emotionally unstable"...
To me it just seems like there are ALREADY 3 big strikes against him. DATING, Getting to know someone should BE this hard work from the get go.
But I get your mom's view, and going on the double date MIGHT show you a different side of him.
I've been married for 17 years and we don't agree 24/7. We rarely fight though, we sorta have a way of working things out without a whole lot of drama. And YES, there IS a learning curve to dating and getting to know a person. But I have also learned that there are a LOT of things you may or may NOT like about another person and that you NEED to realize that IT CAN be part of who they are, so if they are DEAL BREAKERS - maybe that person isn't for you.
Good luck.
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reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (7 March 2014):
the problem with your mom's advice is that you have NOT invested a lot of time with this guy... a month is NOT a lot of dating time.... and YOU HAVE talked to him about it...
since you have talked to him about it and he blew you off... what do you plan to do?
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reader, loveyourselffirst +, writes (7 March 2014):
loveyourselffirst is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUpdate:While talking to him, I pointed out that I am not his girlfriend yet. He said he still wants me to be. (He asked me to be his girlfriend a while ago and I said I wanted to wait). I said I wanted to be but after the other night, I'm not sure and I think we should talk about it. We're still going through with the double date with my friends this Saturday.I called my mom:So I talked to my mom. I'm not ignoring any of the things those of you who have answered me have said about this. Here's the thing, I come from a family with parents who have been married for 45 years. My parents certainly know how to push each others' buttons, and both of my parents have told me that you have to work through problems to make a relationship work. It takes both sides putting in real effort and lots of communication. Every couple has disagreements and nobody is perfect all of the time. My mom said if she had dumped my dad when they fought while they were first still just dating, they would never have had me and my sister or gotten married and stayed married 45 years. If nobody ever argued or got their feelings hurt and were happy go lucky all the time then they are the ones who are "emotionally unstable" deep down. In other words, relationships without disagreements that are seemingly "perfect" are not realistic. She's not saying go marry this guy! But she is saying I'll never get married if I expect every guy to act exactly the way I want all the time and never make mistakes or hurt my feelings sometimes. She also said it sounded to her like he never fully understood what I got upset about. He thinks it was just him texting. Maybe, he doesn't realize that his reaction of getting mad at me for being mad at him is what really upset me. Maybe I should tell him that. My mom said if she had $1 for every time her and my dad were fighting and they were fighting about totally different things without either of them knowing it! My dad's mad because she undercooked the ham, and my mom's mad because he insulted her cooking. My mom suggests I talk to this guy before writing him off. I can still choose to leave him if that doesn't go over well and I should definitely keep an eye on him. But we are still getting to know each other and he's been more patient with waiting for me to get physical than any guy ever has which is a good sign of chivalry nowadays. My mom's aware it's not 1968 anymore. As far as the other girl goes, she said he wouldn't have told me about her if she were a real threat to me. Rather I should worry about girls he doesn't tell me about. He may have been trying to remind me that he wants me to be his girlfriend. He wants to get me to decide so he can tell her that he has a girlfriend. But since I'm not, he can't tell her that and technically he is free to see whoever he wants even though he doesn't want to. For a comic book nerd like him, that's called a "paradox". Obviously, he thinks I'm the better catch than her because I don't send pictures like that and he's not asking her to be his girlfriend or she would be already.I got to hand it to my mom. She's pretty cool for a 64 year old!Again, thanks to all of you for all that you've said. You've helped me realize that I wasn't wrong for how I was feeling and your words were very empowering! I'll post an update after he and I talk.
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reader, llifton +, writes (7 March 2014):
 I'm of the belief that you show people how to treat you. When you let them get away with this kind of stuff, they learn to keep doing it because you're showing them it's alright.
It's not alright. he needs to be shown his actions are not acceptable and that you will NOT be treated that way and you will NOT put up with a guy who is receiving nude pics from some other chick while explaining she will be a bitch to you.
Teach him you're not a doormat. The only way to do that is by either leaving his ass (which I strongly recommend, or putting your foot down hard. Show him how to treat you.
Good luck.
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reader, CMMP +, writes (6 March 2014):
Also, the odds of her sending a nude pic without any prompting or inappropriate texting from him are almost none. Not very women send naked pictures JUST because they like a guy.
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reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (6 March 2014):
 If this guy can't give you his undivided attenion for a while... then HE DOESN'T DESERVE YOU!!!!
Get a better boyfriend. There are OOOOdles of them out there....
Good luck...
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2014): OP in the case of this guy your "oversensitivity" is simply a matter of having conditions that he can't/won't meet. The guy's more interested in his phone and his friends when he's spending time with you?
OP one month in his attention should be all you when with you, it's called being interested in someone.
I can't speak for your exs or those experiences but it sounds to me like a simple matter of you having things you don't want in a guy and you should just stick to those.
This guy has a weird sense of entitlement and he then gaslights and tries to make this sound like your problem?
Never accept that. OP there is always a danger when you see an issue like sensitivity and want to fix it, it can lead to over-compensation and tolerance of the intolerable.
I think you can see here a nice few things you should not tolerate and it's too much for 4 weeks but that also makes it very easy to end the arrangement too.
Sounds like he has a lot of growing up to do before he's ready to date a woman your age.
Don't feel embarrassment about talking him up to your friends, they'll understand. It's just how dating goes, any one thing at any time can lead to you realizing it's a deal-breaker, and he's given you at least three in one month.
I would have left at the first cat yowl and I'm not joking either. A person who thinks "funny" ring tones are somehow cool is just not going to be a person I have any respect for.
He honestly sounds about 12.
OP let this be a lesson to you, next time don't go stalking your local middle school looking for a guy to start dating.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2014): A female who sends you nude pictures of herself wants to be more than just friends. Anyone sending you naked pictures of themselves wants to get it on. How is making your girlfriend aware of it making it innocent? Then warning you about how this same person is going to mistreat you when you both meet? Even his "friends" don't respect you, and he would allow it to happen.
The amount of respect this guy has for you would fit on the point of a needle. He was only physically present; but not there with with you. He was giving you his time out of obligation; while still attending to his social-life apart from your quality time.
His arrogance is born of the fact your replacement is
in-waiting. Therefore, you best behave yourself; because he has a backup sending him nude-pics should you get up the nerve to mouth-off too much. That's quite an egotistical stance if I've ever seen one.
Then he insults you by down-playing all this disrespect, and telling you that you are "emotionally unstable." Inferring you have no right to confront him about showing you his disrespect.
As painful as it could possibly be; I wouldn't be able to remain in the presence; or breath the same air as someone who talked to me, or treated me that way. I just don't have the stomach for it. I am a man. Therefore; logic may overrule my emotional-response. I'd have to end the relationship. I would drag myself through hell, to get over that douche-bag.
I wouldn't expect you to be as rigid. I would expect you to allow your heart to rule. So you questioned your own behavior; instead of seeing his rudeness and arrogance for what it is. Blatant disregard and disrespect for you as a person; and total dismissal of your feelings.
The logical thing is to end the relationship. When someone is that insensitive and cavalier; that they don't really give a sh*t what you think or feel. Your first instinct is to blame yourself, and try to make sense of it. Mostly because of the threat of another female he flaunted in your face. Then forewarned you about. Informing you of your competition. Oh this is just one of many times he has treated you like this.
You are passive-aggressive, and just let him mow you down.
I am gay. I think on two-tracks. I know what the heart would tell me to do, were I thinking emotionally. Yet, the logical-side of me just wouldn't let the fear of being replaced stop me from doing what is right for me. Telling me I am emotionally unstable would have been the catalyst for me to leave; and not look back.
I'm sorry. It goes beyond just disrespect for your time spent together. He doesn't appreciate the time; and would have preferred to be somewhere else.
Read your post to yourself. Then let your logical-side analyze this situation. Your emotional-side wants you to
rationalize it away; and take the blame just to hang on to him and keep the peace. The thought of the competition of another female is a threat. One more than you will be able to handle. He knows that, and played his cards very well.
So, girlfriend. What are you going to do about this?
It's your call. I presented this to you as I see it. It's not up to me to tell you what to do. It's my advice to see it for what it is; and deal with it as a strong woman would and should.
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reader, loveyourselffirst +, writes (6 March 2014):
loveyourselffirst is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone!This "oversensitivity" thing has been an issue I've had with a few guys. I used to not speak up at all and choke back the tears just to avoid arguing because it was like it was wrong for me to have emotions. After talking with friends and exes, I learned that the "oversensitivity" goes away once you find the right guy that respects you.Keeping that in mind, I've started saying it when something bothers me. I don't want to have to suffer in silence again and get walked all over. This is the 2nd time this has happened with him but over a different matter. I'm more upset that he thinks I'm oversensitive and overreact than the inconsiderate things he does in the first place. And THAT really does make me overreact.The sad part is, we were supposed to double date with my best friends this weekend. Now I don't even want them to meet him. I'm embarrassed that I need to end it with him now after I talked so highly of him.
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reader, llifton +, writes (6 March 2014):
Um... no. Anyone with any shred of decency or respect would know that they were being rude as hell. Is he 15? His acts sound like he's the unstable one. And the comment about the girl would be enough for after only one month of dating, me to call it off. That's absurd. He needs to be single until his can learn how to conduct himself in s relationship.
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reader, CMMP +, writes (6 March 2014):
+1 for him being disrespectful and you guys not being right for each other.
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reader, CindyCares +, writes (6 March 2014):
It IS disrespectful ! Very disrespectful. And the fact that he does not even suspect it , but blames your natural ,legitimate annoyance on a supposed emotional unstability of yours, says that you are light years apart in personality and manners. I agree with the others, don't waste any more time on this ...gentleman.
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reader, Honeypie +, writes (6 March 2014):
I agree with YouWish as well. What a douche-canoe.
Texting non-stop while you are there IS disrespectful. If he was SO desperate for a ride in the morning all he had to do was call the guy, no need to chat with him, just call and arrange a ride.
The nude picture from his female friend was him trying to "flex" how attractive he is and what a great catch he is. The fact that he WANTED you to know, so you would understand why this girl would be "hating" on you when you met is just disgusting. He is without a DOUBT encouraging her advances or it wouldn't have LED to a naked photo.
It's ONLY been a month, stop wasting any more time with him.
And no, he isn't going to change, because from what you write he sees NOTHING wrong with his actions, ONLY your reaction. And calling you mentally unstable? really? That is his offensive? Wow.
You last statement made me sad. FOR YOU.
I quote
**** Should I have dropped it so as not to make his day any worse?****
Seriously? What about YOUR day?
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2014): Ah well, you gave it a shot, OP and this guy is just not for you.
It's not exactly "spending time with someone" if you're going to be constantly on your phone to someone else. He got more than a little obnoxious when you highlighted that too.
The guy's an inconsiderate dick, don't let him turn this back on you, just walk.
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reader, Ciar +, writes (6 March 2014):
I think YouWish summed it up perfectly yet again. You're both too old for this sort of thing. The constant texting, doing it when he's got company, keeping a friend who sends him nude pictures and expecting you to meet her.
Seriously, wash your hands of this. Don't even argue with him.
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reader, YouWish +, writes (6 March 2014):
I'm going to make this short and sweet. If you're fighting like this at only a month, it's not going to get any better. He is a text addict and a gross person for soliciting nude pictures and loose women.
Cut your losses and find someone much more mature. You're 26-29. At this point, you know better than to go out with the dregs, and you're too far removed from high school to have such low standards. Guys who are going somewhere aren't tethered to their phones and other women like this.
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reader, Intrigued3000 +, writes (6 March 2014):
The way you described the text sound made me howl with laughter. I'm like you. I get annoyed if my significant other can't seem to put the phone down when we are together. I'm blunt just like you. I tell him how rude and inconsiderate it is to do something like that. You were right in letting him know. I've been to restaurants where a couple would be having a meal together, and instead of talking to each other, they're busy texting on their phones. They'd even take a photo of the meal and post it on some social media site and then wait for the responses and respond back. It's almost as if the only way people communicate now is through texting, and it seems to be addictive.
Anyway, you did the right thing. If he wants to know what "emotionally imbalanced" is all about, the next time you hear that cat yowl while you're together, grab his phone and throw it in the toilet:)
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reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (6 March 2014):
you two are not compatible. I'd not continue this relationship if you want smooth sailing and someone who feels the way you do. He does not feel the same about texting and spending time together as you do.
I don't think your expectations of undivided attention are unrealistic. He clearly can't handle ONE THING AT A TIME (much like me)
If he says you are "emotionally unstable" that's the tip of the annoyed with you iceberg.
you can't change his feelings and you can't make him be what you want. He is what he is.. he feels what he feels...
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reader, janniepeg +, writes (6 March 2014):
 He is so not for you. Don't even bother explaining your feelings or teaching him manners. He thinks he is the cat's meow. He triggers your insecurity anytime and in any way he could because he is insecure himself, needing attention all the time and he needs to make sure you are at the same level so he isn't the only one feeling like this. As your username says, love yourself first, don't worry about how he deals with life. You should drop him and be done with him, not just the issue and the bickering. Just one month of dating doing so shouldn't be hard.
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