A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My ex and I split up a year ago, we really like each other´s personalities and stayed friends. January, we ended up in bed, and I started to call him more often. He didn't like that and told me off. Then he wanted to be friends again. He started out a new job in another country. Last day before he left he told me I was very important to him. This job is actually my dreamplace,so I applied just to see how far I could go next time (by then, he'll be back). He asked me if I had applied,I said no,cause I didn't want anybody to know that I had plans of leaving. He found out about it, now he hates me, doesn't speak to me and calls me a liar and manipulator. What can I do? He is really important to me!
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (8 July 2007):
 Thank you for updating on your question.
I do believe he picked up on your feelings; they are pretty obvious to anyone. He doesnt love you as a woman, but I don't think he was scared; rather, he was very upset. And my guess is he's not upset about your trip to your dreamplace, but about your love for him. Maybe he anticipates trouble, or jealousy, or something like that.
If you want to stay friends with this man, I think you should keep your distance until he feels you're over him. Otherwise, things won't improve. I would leave the door open, but also I would wait for him to talk to you. If he does talk to you, he won't be able to claim you were pushy; and then you'll be able to behave as a friend only.
It will hurt like hell, madam. But this is the way you need to go if you want to keep the friendship.
I would have a word of warning for you. I don't think he will ever approach you in this way again, but still I find him at fault for having been with you in January. He gave you hope, and then he found it too easy to brush you off. So, if he should come again in this fashion, you need to say no. I'm afraid he might be inclined to going back to you only when he's in need of something.
I think I can share your feelings on this. I feel I was harsh on you, but I had a reason. Maybe you want to send me a private e-mail. I have a question myself but I don't want to discuss it here. If you don't know how to e-mail me in private, click on my name (Danielepew) and there you will see a link for private messages.
Remember, we're here to help.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2007): Hi it's me, the female from Canada! I applied knowing that I couldn't leave this year (my current position ends next year), also I think the job requires a little more experience. But it could be true, I might have more feelings than I would like to admit and he might have picked up on that. However, it's also true that we can never be, but I still don't want to lose him completly. You see, I learnt that from him, that one can really like a person, who is not suited to be your bf or gf, and that is what he felt for me according to him. We were good friends for a while. You are saying he picked up on my feelings and is scared now? How can we be friends again? He doesn't have to be scared, since I'm not going there until he is back (hopefully I stay there).
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (7 July 2007):
We agony aunts are here to help. Sometimes, as Frank Kermit said, saying nice things is no help. If I need to choose between telling you the truth and giving you reassurance, I prefer to tell the truth. You see, you can't build anything if truth is not at the foundation.
So, I'm afraid that I need to say some things you don't want to hear. A saying I like very much goes like this: "Your best friend is not the one who will tell you only the pretty things you want to hear".
I would start by saying that obviously you don't want to stay his friend; yes, he's really important to you, because, frankly, dear, you love him. Your love didn't end when you split up. You even applied for a job to be near him, and it seems I can assume you are expecting to have something else with him when you return.
I guess it was he who suggested to split up. You are too in love with him to have started it.
Let's see things from his side. Well, the split comes, he stays with you as a friend but SLEEPS with you, goes away (that is, puts physical distance between you two) and doesn't want your calls. He asks you whether you applied for the job, and says nothing about it when he thinks you didn't; but then he gets angry and calls you a manipulator when he finds out you did apply, that is, when he finds out you could be near him again.
To me, these things say a lot more than his sleeping with you and his saying you're important to him. I don't think he wants a relationship with you, and this is because he doesn't love you. Maybe he truly appreciates you as a friend, but I don't think there is any love here. I would even question his behavior as "friendly". If you know someone is in love with you and you can't, or won't, reciprocate, what you need to do is behave so that you won't give false hope. And he did give you false hope. That's not friendly behavior; I think that, if he respected your feelings and YOU, he wouldn't have slept with you.
I think it would be a disservice if I tried to give suggestions about how to win him back. I don't believe you will, and you would suffer a lot while you tried to get his love again.
My suggestion is that you don't think of him as a lover, anymore. If anything, he'll be a friend.
I think there's more to this question than your words show. We're here to help. Keep us updated or e-mail us.
My heart is with you.
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