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female
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41-50,
anonymous
writes:I said a terrible thing but I think the reaction of my long time boyfriend is way too much. We live together for 7 years and have 1 child together, our daughter is 6.5. We are young professionals, love each other or so I thought, and we are overall a very well functioning family, or so I thought. One moths ago I said something that to my greatest surprise made him pack and leave our house. He stays with a friend, doesn't talk to me, and only comes and picks up our daughter without talking to me. I apologized numerous ly, I cried, and talked to his parents, only to be told how could I say something so cruel and he will never come back. That's the story. We had a dog who we both loved like he was our child. He slept with us. And he was totaly human, there was no doubt about it. My boyfriend treated him literally like one of us, not sparing any cost for organic food and treats. Our dog travelled with us and followed us everywhere. But the time came, and he was almost 16. He didn't have a good time for the past year, and few times I found my boyfriend laying next to him, saying good by when he was especially sick. One day he passed away, and the drama was unreal. My boyfriend cried like a child for months, drinking himself to sleep every night. It was 3 years ago. We can't get a dog now, because my boyfriend could never recover from that loss. The night when our dog died, I asked him several times if we should take him to the hospital, but it was a middle of the night, and my boyfriend kept reassuring me that he ll take him in a morning,He said it's just his ussual condition acting up. I went to sleep, and when I woke up all was over. Now, 3 years later, yesterday, one of our friends called. Her little Doberman pincher ran away, and police brought him all covered in blood, with obvious bites on his leg. She called because her husband was away on business trip, and she is home alone with 2 children, who were crying from the site of their puppy. When my boyfriend got a call I was already sleeping as it was around midnight. So, he goes there and sees the puppy in miserable condition, hurt and shivering. There is a fully developed drama In a house with kids crying in fear for their puppy. My boyfriend looks at the puppy and advises a woman to hold on till morning and then see how he is, and if he gets worse take him to the hospital. In a morning he tells me about this whole situation. And I said a really terrible thing remembering how he was holding on with our dog till morning and it was too late. I said: when someone is hurt and suffering you don't wait, you run immediately to get help, youdid the same thing with our dog the night he died. My boyfriend turned absolutely white, and he was just sitting there with his cup of coffee lookin straight in front of him. Then he got up, and said: do you think I could save him by bringing him to the hospital that night. I already realized what I said, and told him anyway: no, we could not save him anymore as he was old and dying, but you just don't wait till morning if someone is suffering, you get help. That was the end of that conversation. We both went to work, and when I came home ThT night he cleared up his shelves, there was no hangers with his clothes, no toothbrush, nothing.I started calling, he wouldn't answer. Then he showed up few days later to make arrangements about sharing time with our daughter. There is no hope for me, as he refuses to talk. He just says absolutely nothing. His friend told me that he also doesn't say anything to Jim. He just said that first night that it's all over between us. I am destroyed, my life seems in complete ruins. Days go by and I still can't get over this fact that he is not coming back, ever! I thought we were so much in love, that nothing can come between us, and now I can't take my words back. I don't know what to do. If he talked to me, I would try to make things better, but he put a wall between us. What can I do to get him back, any thoughts on that? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (11 November 2013):
 Oh yes, right. He was so wrapped up in grief and over the edge for the death of his dog 3 years ago- that he could not stop a second to think of the grief his human daughter may feel at having her dad vanish from home , with no notice, no preparation and no reason. He did not stop a second to consider - pop psichology 101 ,everybody knows it - that children are want to take this sort of things very personally, they think " it's MY fault if daddy went away, he did not like ME anymore ". Not to mention the grief he is inflicting to his supposedly beloved human partner, the OP. That, does not count, only HIS " grief " counts.
Sorry, I know I will pass for the pet hater that I am not ( right now I am at my desk where I keep the pic of my beloved and much missed cat Boris, one of the best friends I ever had ) but, no I just can't agree with some stuff .
Pets are pets , not people- they notoriously have a shorter life span than humans, plus , lacking human judgement, they are more subject to freak accidents, more vulnerable , more ... impermanent. That maybe does not make it easier when we lose them, then again, if you are the type who can't accept that they will be our companion for a short,limited time, and that you have to feel the pain and LET IT GO and MOVE ON, rather than wallowing in it,- then you should not adopt a pet in the first place.
Most of all, grief over a beloved pet is not a good reason to GIVE grief to beloved humans, and one who does not realizes that hasn't got his priorities straight.
Basically your partner is telling you that he cares more about his dog than he cares about his loving partner and his little daughter. If based on this info, you are willing to lavish on him support, encouragement, praise and whatnot, what can I say, you are a better , more generous person than I would be in your circumstances. For which, I may admire you but I would surely not follow your example.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2013): Another couple of points to add... It may be worth reassuring him that frankly, if he had called the hospital that night then he would only have had to be put down in a strange place, rather than sharing his last moments at home with you as he would have wanted. Reassure him that he did the right thing for your puppy- he needs to hear and feel this.
Also- it may not be that your relationship is fragile, I think it is more that 'he' is fragile in his grief, and now- guilt. He needs reassurance and support, although he may be fragile to daring to accept input for fear of what more it may bring up.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2013): Hi OP,One comment particularly made me think, where you described, '...After our puppy died he said if it was not for me he would fell apart.'Makes me wonder if he's been 'on the edge' with his grief for a long time, and your comment not only confirmed his fears that he could have saved him, but also that his one steadfast 'rock' of support believed this.Gut feeling is that he's long overdue for grief counselling, and that maybe it could help if you two attend together to help build bridges. But I think that the first immediate thing he needs to hear, and feel- is that he is NOT responsible for the puppy's death, and also that you don't think that of him.It might take a while for this to sink in; he may be sacred to climb back over the edge where he feels most vulnerable. But I think that having never recovered from the puppy's death, or having worked through his grief with a councillor; then learning that a) he may be personally responsible for his death, and b) that his one stable rock thought this... I just think it's tipped him over the edge. I think that he does love you very much; I just think that he's overwhelmed with grief and needs professional support to help him work through this.I wish you all the best; this must be so difficult for you. Please be kind to yourself through this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2013): Thank you everyone VERY MUCH for your time in answering my post. It did help me a lot to think a bit different about this whole situation.I was beating myself up, but not anymore. I am calmer now and I think I ll be ok.To answer some of the question: we never had any big arguments. He is in general is very calm and soughtfull. He adores his daughter, That's why for me it was such a shock when he left over this.I don't know if he wanted out, its just seems unbelievable. He is 7 years older than me, just turned 40. We even started talking about second child before we get too old.He is not a women chaser, not a party animal, quiet normal guy. The reason why he didn't bring our dog to the vet that night because for the past year he was sick often. We both knew it was a matter of a couple months. May be he was afraid that they would make him to go through a putting to sleep process, I don't know. I hope he comes to his senses and will come back. My daughter told me yesterday that papa told her that he will come home but doesn't know when. I don't know if he told her that to just calm her down or he is planning on returning. I love him very much, but this incident made me thinking how fragile our relationship is.Thank you all very much again
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reader, Brokenv  +, writes (9 November 2013):
I think you have had some deep thoughtful answers. The small of this, and yes want you said was small and to the point. It was not hurtful.
You need to get a grip of your situation for you and your daughter. You need to start making clear plans for your new life. Your bf leaving over this tells me that your relationship would not survive a "!real" painful situation. Not saying that missing your dog you loved is something to take lightly but after 3 years of unhealthy behaviour he needs professional help. Something you can't help
For your daughters sake get a plan together to move forward.
Love yourself enough to care and love you.
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reader, CindyCares +, writes (9 November 2013):
I absolutely agree with Honeypie.
You told the truth, and he did not like it precisely because it's the truth.
Pardon me, nut I see a pattern here, your bf sounds exactly the type of persons who is " emoting " a lot vs. feeling real feelings, who wallows in emotions and drama, but when the chips are down, he'll just shirk his responsibilities.
Yes, it's tragic that he was losing his beloved companion of 16 years- and if it was so tragic, and the dog was suffering so much, then why your bf could not bother get off his butt and take the dog to the vet hospital even in the middle of the night ? Lots of tears.. and no action.
Ditto for your friend's dog. Lot of drama, but when it 's a matter of REALLY inconveniencing himself and loosing afew hours sleep, rather than playing the role of rescuer... he goes to bed and snores over it.
You point this out- and as undiplomatic as it was, I can't see how you could NOT have pointed it out because it just JUMPS in your face, and , what he does ?... The firs time there' a misunderstanding, a contrast, an unpleasantness between you- he RUNS. He liked to play happy family, but the first time there are waves, - he won't play no more.
The conclusion one can dispassionately get from his behaviour are unluckily not positive : a ) he is just full of it, an irresponsible all surface "good feelings " and no depth -and/ or b) he was just waiting for an out and he took the first chance he got.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2013): Is this what the dog would have liked to see happen over him? The happy family broken up, the girl raised in a split home, the parents never to be together anymore, because you made a bad comment that your guy was very sensitive about?
Is this a reasonable thing for him to do to your daughter? She loses her parents being together for the rest of her life, over this comment?
I loved my dog a ton and cried when she died. And I understand that some kinds of comments hit a spot in some people that is too sensitive to ever recover from fully. But still, what your man is doing here is wrong. There are other people affected by this besides him and a dead pet. He is an adult and he is a father too. He doesn't have to accept what you said & take it without hurt, but he needs to grow the hell up and look at the bigger picture.
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reader, llifton +, writes (9 November 2013):
 i agree with honeypie. you did speak the truth. if a pet is sick, you absolutely shouldn't wait until morning. just as if a human is sick and in bad condition. you wouldn't wait until morning in that case, would you?
your boyfriend sure loved treating his dog like a human and member of the family. so it seems confusing why someone who is such a dog person wouldn't have taken the family dog to the vet when he seemed bad off. and it also seems odd he wouldn't have suggested taking the other dog to the vet when it seemed in bad condition, as well. if you treat your dog like family, as he did, you take them to the vet in the middle of the night to ensure their safety and well-being.
in fact, as i was reading your post, i was shocked that your boyfriend didn't take your dog to the vet that night he passed away, as he was clearly extremely attached to him.
perhaps your boyfriend holds on to a great bit of guilt for the decision not to take him to the vet that night - as it wound up being the night he passed and he knows he could have possibly prevented it had he taken him in. it could be something he was really struggling with over the years since the dog died, so when you said that, it was absolutely devistating. like calling him out for it being his fault.
either way, i see why it upset him. however, it's hard to imagine why he's reacting this way. after so many years together, he should know you well enough by now to know it must have been a slip of the tongue and you would never intentionally upset him like that. i know he loved that dog dearly. but what you said was the truth. i think he's over-reacting. he's mad at himself and holding on to the guilt, so your comment poured salt in the wound. and now he's taking that guilt out on you.
give him time. he may calm down and eventually realize you aren't to blame after all and you really didn't mean to hurt him.
at the same time, could it also be possible that you two already had a good bit of problems? and this was just the icing on the cake? you say you had a good relationship. however, had there been any other problems before this all happened?
i hope it all works out for you in the end. after seven years together and a child, i think he should get over this and move back in.
good luck.
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reader, like I see it +, writes (9 November 2013):
 Without knowing your boyfriend it's impossible to gauge the depth of his attachment to his late pet... but I will say that for most people this would be a major overreaction. So much so that I can't help but wonder if he was, for some other reason, looking for an 'out' in the relationship. Had the two of you had any problems recently, other than this?I say this because he may have loved the dog very much, but he has a CHILD with you. He might love his dog enough to be hurt by your words, but a man capable of that much love for a pet should love his own DAUGHTER enough to try and work things out with you rather than vanishing from the household over a single remark - which you had a point with, by the way, but you apologized regardless. Which makes his behavior that much more bizarre and childish if this really is just an isolated incident.As for getting him back - my first question would honestly be whether you want someone back who is so willing to cut you out of his life over what to me seems a very trivial mistake. If you do want him back I think your best bet is not to chase him. Leave him alone to think about what he's doing and to wonder what you're doing in his absence. As long as you are actively chasing after him and apologizing to him you are basically simultaneously stroking his ego and making him feel vindicated for leaving in the first place, and personally I would not choose to play into something like that. You apologized; a single apology was sufficient to conclude any obligation you may have had to him in that regard; what he does with the apology is now up to him. How he handles it is, in my opinion, a very telling indication of his maturity level and his regard for YOUR feelings, and should give you some valuable perspective on who he really is and whether you actually do want to spend the rest of your life with him.A final word: be cautious if he does come back, because you've set the stage for a very tempestuous dynamic in the relationship with regard to future disagreements. Now he knows that all he has to do to get "his way" is throw a fit and leave, and wait for you to come groveling after him. Leaving him alone for the time being is probably also the best way to minimize the chances of a dramatic exit becoming his go-to response.Good luck and best wishes. Hope this resolves itself in a positive way :)
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reader, janniepeg +, writes (9 November 2013):
 You hurt him but, I believe it wouldn't be so bad if you were on the same page about how to handle the last day of your pet. It comes to you as a shock but I remember a similar story in which the relationship deteriorated after the dog's death. One agony uncle suggested to always let the man handle it even though you disagree. That also means not questioning, doubting and just give him space to think.
I used to think it's the best to let your pet die at home. No stress of travelling in the car, and no needle sticking through the fur and no breathing tube. At home it's a familiar environment and familiar smells. On the other hand, pets don't show pain so I believe pet euthanasia is doing them a favor. In the wild, all animals die a slow death. They don't know any better and accept that's how it is. When we can afford emergency medical care we are doing the humane thing to end suffering.
Part of me thinks that he was in denial for those two dogs. Part of me thinks that he knew what he was doing, and tried very hard to be in control. He was either too optimistic or he knew they were going to die very soon, so he kept quiet because he didn't want to add more drama at either homes.
I am very sorry this happened to you. He is a very devoted pet owner. When we get our pets as puppies we never think about the last day but time flies. I wish every couple could discuss options even before adopting a pet because this is a serious topic comparable to issues like abortion. If two people disagree then they are incompatible and should not have pets.
As to what to do now, I don't think you should put yourself in the pleading position. It was a slip of the tongue only because you two did not agree. If your partner was also pro euthanasia I'd bet there wouldn't have been a break up. If you were as stubborn as him you could have broken up with him after your dog died. But you didn't because the dog lived a long life and no one was really blaming it on each other. His family would always be on his side, no matter how wrong he seemed.
A story like that makes me feel how humanized pets are. At the end I don't think a pet could ever replace the love of a human. People who are obsessed about animals to the point of treating them like gods, have problems. There is a term for it but I forgot. I do suspect that he was looking for an out too. You can regret what you have said and feel bad for hurting him, but I bet he's not even thinking how he had hurt you, by leaving without saying a word. This is an example of putting an animal's life above a human. This is not what I want in a partner.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2013): Hi sweetness. You did nothing wrong at all here. He's obviously a drama queen (or king for that matter), and the way he treats you is certainly unacceptable. You apologized already! He is treating you that way still though, which is actually 'abusive' if you think of it. This man is abusing you emotionally and taking advantage of your good nature.Dump him and move on. You deserve a better man that's for sure. You're a young beautiful princess and so many men who know how to treat a lady will be more than willing to be with you, not that abusive loser! When you move on and he realizes that he is losing his abusive power over you he will do everything he can to get back to you, and might be actually a threat! If he did that report him to the police for the sake of the emotional health of you and your daughter. Man with such deep mental / emotional issues shall not be allowed to be a father, so you should start taking the legal procedures to prevent him from coming close to you or your daughter. You didn't accuse him of killing the dog or anything. You just pointed out how his lazy-ass led to the death of the poor dog. He deserves every ounce of pain he feels, but what he doesn't deserve is neither you nor the daughter. I hope you have the house legal paperwork covered in your name.Call a friend or a family member to come to stay with you for a while, as this man could turn dangerous soon. Be firm and don't get soft when he cries to get back to you, because he will, and tell him straightforwardly that he lost you and that if he doesn't stop the police will be there to take him where he belongs.Best luck. My heart goes out for you.Emily xxx
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reader, chigirl  +, writes (8 November 2013):
 I also sense you have a bit too much pride, which is what is holding you back from apologizing sincerely. You're worried that if you take full blame, and open up to being in the wrong, being at fault.. you worry that he will use that against you.
This just shows that you do not trust him. And a relationship without trust can not last. So try to be brave and trust that he will not hurt you intentionally, even though you, in my opinion, intentionally went out to hurt him. Make yourself vulnerable to him by admitting you were 100% wrong and he is 100% right to leave if that is what he felt he needed to do. He left because that is what was best for him, not as some form of punishment to you.
What scared you so much about admitting to yourself that what you said was in fact so wrong in his eyes? What scares you so much that you can't try to see things from his point of view, and feel the pain he feels, and show him understanding, empathy, and love? Rather you are being so harsh, telling him (and us) that he is over-reacting.. You're so busy protecting yourself from whatever it is you fear that you push the person you love away.
Dare to be vulnerable in front of him. Be sincere in your apology. Right now you are saying "sorry I said something that I don't think was that wrong". That's not sincere. That's not honest. What you need to say is "I realize what I said hurt you. I am sorry that I caused you pain".
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reader, chigirl +, writes (8 November 2013):
"I just don't think it was THAT terrible to the point that he left his family based on it. "
Right there, is your denial of being wrong. Maybe you admit it a little bit, but you are unwilling to accept the full blame of the pain your words caused. You do not get to dictate how he feels, yet you act as if you have that right. But you can't. He left you, and you can tell him that what you said wasn't THAT terrible until your face is blue. It doesn't change the fact to that HIM it actually was THAT terrible. Doesn't matter if I agree with you, or agree with him. All that matters is to HIM it was terrible enough to leave. And to you, it didn't matter so much. So maybe this just speaks of how mismatched you were, since after so many years together you don't understand him, you don't know what hurts him, and you play "innocent" when you say things that.. I actually do think you know very well would hurt him. You know him well enough after so many years to know exactly what buttons to push. So I think you know very well that to him, it actually was THAT terrible.
You're unwilling to admit this. You are basically saying that what you did was wrong, but how he reacts is somehow worse, so in the end YOU are somehow he victim here. And as such, you take no responsibility for your actions and aren't really even THAT sorry.
Change that attitude, if you want him back. You can tell me I'm wrong, until your face is blue, but he's not coming back until you take full blame and accept that he has a right to react and feel however he does feel. It's not up to you to decide how he should react and feel. Everyone has a right to make their own decisions, and he decided your comment was too much and left. That was his right, and you can't hold that against him.
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reader, Xearo  +, writes (8 November 2013):
I can't come as close to understanding how he felt about his dog even though I myself had a pet dog since I was 6. When my dog died, I was sad for quite some time but no where near your boyfriend. To read how he suffered so much for his best friend is really amazing for me and that is something I can admire despite everything else. Even though you did not mention it, I think you also suffered tremendously. My condolences to the both of you.
I am sorry that such an experience has cause you and your boyfriend to relive the past. But you do understand that there was no need to bring up the past right? I mean it was three years ago after all. To bring up the past so suddenly, I can't help but feel like you do blame your boyfriend for the death of the dog. But I think something like this is not about blame? The dog was so old already...how can it be the fault of anyone. What does blaming someone accomplish? EVEN if it was his fault what can he do now about the past?
Couldn't you have suggested to take the puppy immediately to the vet, without bringing up the past? What you said may not have been technically wrong, but it was 100% uncalled for! This whole thing is just so sad to hear, I can't understand why this has happened. I feel sorry for the both of you.
I could always assume there are underlying issues but thankfully that is not for me to analyse. I've never heard of or read a story like this so I really don't know what advice I can give. It seems like it is his decision to make although I feel like this issue needs to be talked about.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2013): Maybe try to see it from his perspective. What he feels, is that you said, it was his fault the dog died. It was like, since the dog was like family, you saying, it was his fault that one of your kids died. How could he ever forgive that? How could he ever face you again? My suggestion to you, is to imagine how he feels. Imagine the pain, the guilt, the heartache he feels. And try to soften that. Make a real, huge, effort to apologize for what you said, and what you made him feel. And make your reason for that, to be because you want to heal his pain, and know that you do not blame him. Let him know he did the right thing, and you were wrong to criticize him. Let him know he knew what was best, and you are sorry for not trusting him. Do not make your motive to be to get him back. Your motive is to heal some of his pain, and to know how sorry you are for causing it. At best, maybe he can forgive you, even a little. I can imagine how much this hurts you, and you are in pain too, but for now, I think you need to make this about him. Once you have delivered your apology (which you must dig deep down into your heart and soul to find - it has to be real), then leave it with him. Tell him you do not want to break up, but you will leave it up to him now and respect what he decides. He can know what you want, think and feel, but you can not tell him what to think, want and feel - you have to respect and allow whatever that is.
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reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (8 November 2013):
 I'm going to focus on this portion of your submittal:
".... love each other or so I thought, and we are overall a very well functioning family, or so I thought. ..."
You know what you failed to "think" about???? It's that living together is NOT the same as BEING MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ....especially, insofar as it GIVES YOUR MAN an "out".... to dump you, EXACTLY as this cad has done!!! ... and YOU are stuck trying to figure out how to react to his action AS IF the two of you are/were married...
I hope that you (and he) can come to grips with this... and, I HOPE that YOU have learned a lesson.....
The lesson???? That guys are willing - even anxious - to "play house".... BUT, when the chips are down... we really ARE "just playing".....
I hope things go OK for you as this mess clears away...
Good luck....
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2013): What do you mean chigirl, I don't admit what I said was wrong? I said that I it was a terrible thing to say, didn't I?I just don't think it was THAT terrible to the point that he left his family based on it. Honeypie, our relationship was really good until this point. Of course we bickered like couples do, but really to the minimum. Our sex life was great, he is an amazing father. We were happy. After our puppy died he said if it was not for me he would fell appart. Now he wants nothing to do with me to the point that he still covers all house related expenses as he always did, and doesn't even need me to split the cost, because he doesn't want to deal with me in any way, period. At first I thought there was someone else, and last conversation was just the reason for him to leave. But my friend who is a girlfriend of his friend who he stays with says that there is no one. He comes home after work, no phone calls, nothing of that sort. He was never a very talkative guy, but now he says nothing at all even to them.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2013): Sometimes there is an extremely sensitive spot deep within a person that only someone very close can reach. He dearly loved that animal, and the very thing that you said has already tormented him with guilt. Hearing you reiterate the suggestion he should have done something that night, is telling him that it's his fault. You hit a very sore spot, and he is reliving that grief. Some people do not handle grief well, and require grief counseling. Even for a family pet.Grief is debilitating for some people. The depth of someone's personal anguish over a loss may not be fully understood by everyone around them. It may be a lot more profound than others may comprehend. Now you know first-hand what I mean.Then there is also the issue of how people deal with forgiveness. Some prefer to punish the transgressor by making them feel the same grief. They may take it to a degree that isn't healthy. I belief this is what you're experiencing, as well.You have to forgive yourself. You have already apologized, and you are now serving your sentence. You have a child between you, and I think your energy is best directed at her. He has to work this out in his own way, and in his own time. Love hasn't died. Forgiveness is being withheld.For the child's sake, minimize your emotionalizing. He isn't setting a good example at the moment. She will derive from his behavior; that you should not forgive people when they hurt you. That isn't a good message. She is old enough to notice everything around her and will try to analyze it from a child's limited understanding. You should talk to her and explain that daddy is very hurt with something mommy said. She is very sorry; but he misses your dog, and he still has a broken-heart about it. Mommy has done all she can do; but she can't fix it by herself.YOU should see a grief counselor; and get an understanding of what he is going through. You're grieving too.When you can't communicate with someone to help them; then you help yourself. You are now suffering the grief of a loss; and you will manage it better by seeking the help that he didn't. It would also prove beneficial for your daughter. She has to have an understanding of what her dad is going through; and that there is no one to blame that he isn't dealing with things very well right now. It isn't really all your fault that he is behaving this way. It is something he has to cope with, that needed attention long ago. Take other things into consideration as well. There may be other underlying issues. You may be trivializing it to one incident; but things do buildup over time. He may have just chosen this circumstance to end the relationship; because he always wanted to up to now; and simply seized the opportunity. Otherwise; he is being totally illogical, and most unreasonable. This is where children have to come first.I do sense that you are somewhat in denial. You may be overlooking many things; or dismissing a few facts. There is much more to it, than you may want to accept.
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reader, Honeypie +, writes (8 November 2013):
 You pointed out the truth. He didn't like it and now he won't talk to you. Your BF have other issues besides this, you two have other issues besides this - I'm willing to be.
Yes, I absolutely agree you don't WAIT til the morning with a hurt/sick pet, you take them to the Vet and if you HAVE to you hold them while they get put to sleep. IF you CAN'T AFFORD to take them to an Emergency vet, then YES you wait.
YOU did nothing wrong, I don't think what you said as wrong either.
My guess is, he's been looking for an out for a long time and THIS was his out. Could have been something else you said days later or months later.
Stop apologizing and take a step back. Focus on you and your daughter for now.
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reader, chigirl +, writes (8 November 2013):
"no, we could not save him anymore as he was old and dying, but you just don't wait till morning if someone is suffering, you get help. "
If you had only left out the ", but..." then you might have saved it all.
My feeling is that you are a person who hates losing. You have a need to be right in everything. Even now, when you say you have apologized, you feel you have "right" and he is wrong. He is wrong to not come back, you are right to demand him back because you apologized, and you drag in the 7 years and the daughter as some form of "evidence" of you being right.
You just had to throw that "but..." comment in. Have you asked yourself why you had such a need to be right, to put him down, to sort of punish him? You already realized what you said was wrong, he already reacted to show you that you were stepping over the line, but you kept at it.. And you got to wonder why.
So, it probably wasn't the first argument, or the first time it happened. And as it is most of the time, your boyfriend probably didn't leave because of this comment. There were probably many things going wrong in his world (note: two people will have two different perspectives and views on their relationship). For him this was the last nail in the coffin.
You are oblivious as to why he left. You think it is because of this one comment. Actually, two comments, the first one just knocked him down, the second kicked him while he was down. But there surely were other things not so blissful in your relationship. Things you are not willing to see, because you want things your way, you want to be right, you want to be in control of the situation. You can't stand the fact that he left you, and you show a complete disregard for his reasons for leaving. You show him absolutely no respect! You don't even admit to what you said being wrong. You say you "know it was wrong" yet you add in these ",but..." comments all the time. "But I apologized numerous times" "but we have a daughter" "but we were together for so long" "but we were so happy"
But this and but that. Stop the excuses and face things as they are, NO buts! Respect his decision to leave, he has as much a right to leave as you have a right to leave if the shoe was on the other foot. Maybe if he can see that you respect him, maybe if he can see you being realistic about the situation and not in denial like you are now.. Maybe then, in a year or two, maybe things will go better and you will get back together.
But right now, you need to work on yourself, and work on getting over the denial and the idea that you are right in arguments and the idea that his grounds for leaving are exaggerated, not valid, not good grounds for leaving etc. You need to show respect for his decision and accept it.
People do get back together, it's not hopeless. But it will take time, and you need to be very patient, respectful, and in control of your outbursts and words. That's how to get him back. Back away, give him space and time. You will eventually get your one opportunity, make sure you choose your words carefully when the time comes.
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