A
male
age
,
*itsend
writes:here is the problem. I am in a relationship with a younger woman who has a problem telling the truth, has done stuff behind my back while I was at work, constantly flirts with other men, has pill and alcohol issues and comes from abusive previous relationship. She also is an exotic dancer. Relationship has lasted over a year, with some big mountains climbed but she keeps slipping down. I do not drink or use drugs, have paid 99% of her bills, ask her to do nothing for me and basically do everything for her such as housework, laundry, etc. This because i want to. She quit dancing for about 2 months because i told her it was tearing me apart and i could not take it. she did quit but now has resumed. i have done everything for this lady and stood beside her in some hard times due to her actions. I even lost my job for her due to some of her actions. I love her and have sacrificed everything for her but she acts like she does not appreciate it. She says she loves me but she constantly is saying hurtful things or flirting with other men sometimes in front of me. I have caught her in so many lies it is staggering. but each time i take her back. i forgive easily. how do i handle this and should i let her go? i do not feel loved by her. she is great with the physical part of the relationship but emotionally she acts like i am only here to give her things and do things for her. could i ever trust her fully after she has broken that trust several times before? i am almost certain she has cheated on me while i was at work (before she cost me my job) but i never actually caught her with another man. but other people told me she has done so. she denies it, saying they do not like her. what do i do? witsend.
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male
reader, witsend +, writes (27 June 2010):
witsend is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyour thoughts are appreciated and points well taken.As I stated, she left 2 days ago to return to that job, choosing it over me. I know she has to find her own way now, but from the things she was saying before she left, she seems to want to self destruct. All the issues that she has seem to have taken control over her and try though I might, I could not help her work through and overcome them. Her will power to do this seemed to fade over time and she gave up. She said she feels glamorous when she is dancing but the place she works at is a rat hole. She is a beautiful girl but her past and current problems have inclined her to think she cannot live a clean and sober life. The lifestyle is what she is accustomed to in her words. I offered her another way. As I said, I tried to love it out of her. And how did a cop fall for someone like this? I have no explanation, it just happened over time after a chance meeting on the street. It is one of those things that maybe cannot be explained.But when we met and began seeing each other, she was not showing signs of problems. She was wonderful. Then the behavior began to appear. That is when I had fallen for her by then. And even though it cost me dearly later, I could not walk out on her. She was my mate. Now she has made the choice of the lifestyle over me. So I have no choice but to let her go. I like to think I did the best I could, I don't know.
A
female
reader, Carrot2000 +, writes (27 June 2010):
 I have siblings with addiction issues and I have watched them destroy the lives of people who want to help them. I hope you don't think I'm knocking you, but oftentimes their "rescue squads" have issues of their own and need to channel their energies into someone else's problems rather than healing their own lives. Just as much as my brothers are addicted to their heroin (or crack or weed or liquor), the women in their lives are addicted to them and their issues.
You didn't fail. She can't sacrifice anything because unlike you, she's still an addict. Some people have to hit rock bottom before they decide to sober up, while others never bottom out. It's sad, but that's the nature of addiction. She's made her choice and you can no longer allow her choices to impact your life. You can't allow her issues become your issues.
Staying in this relationship threatens your own sobriety. Let her go and choose to make a good life for yourself.
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A
male
reader, witsend +, writes (26 June 2010):
witsend is verified as being by the original poster of the questioncarrot2000 don't get me wrong, I appreciate the input, I know you are being constructive. The satisfaction was her company and the love(or so I thought)she gave me in return. I thought I could love the bad out of her I guess. If you care about someone enough sometimes you have to sacrifice. Many times she asked a lot from me. I resigned my job (police officer) due to something she did criminally. I was given a choice-either her or my job-because policy was that I could not be with someone charged with criminal acts. I chose her. Because I love her, not my job. Maybe I am too much of an optimist or a romantic. Or maybe just plain stupid, the votes are coming in on that one. I know she has cost me a lot. I know about the addiction part. Before I became a police officer I had an alcohol problem. But I whipped it. I hoped she could do the same with her problem.I guess I failed. In a nutshell, I gave up what I did for her, she won't give up what she does for me.
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A
female
reader, Carrot2000 +, writes (26 June 2010):
My final point remains the same: why were you so willing to sacrifice yourself for someone who is so destructive, not only to herself, but to you? What satisfaction do you personally derive from being in a relationship with someone with this level of addiction?
I grew up in a family of addicts, so I'm asking you this for a specific reason.
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A
male
reader, witsend +, writes (26 June 2010):
witsend is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwrong on most counts carrot 2000. she did ask for those sacrifices. and she has not been fully capable of taking care of herself. by the way she did make some changes and stuck with them for a good while. then she would backslide to the other lifestyle. it was not all bad, a lot of the time it was wonderful.the love was real , not pity. when her mind was clear she was funny, cute and fun to be with. she tried to clean up many times. but then would slip back. the taking care of herself issue was marred by 2 overdoses and mood swings. her family looked to me to get her through her mistakes and problems. i did that as best i could. she asked for my help many times and each time i gave it, not out of pity, because she was my mate. also many of her issues i did not know about until after we began the relationship. she hid them well.
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A
female
reader, Carrot2000 +, writes (26 June 2010):
The problem in this relationship is not your girlfriend, it's you.
Your girlfriend knows who she is and is living her life the way she wants to. She's happy with her stripper/druggie lifestyle. The woman doesn't appreciate the sacrifices you've made for her because she didn't ask you to do any of it. She doesn't see herself as a person with a problem; that's how YOU perceive her.
You see her as a project rather than a person. Somewhere along the line you decided she was damaged and weak, and needed you to rescue her and "fix" her. You saw her as some poor, abused creature who needed love instead of seeing her as a grown-ass woman, fully capable of taking care of herself and changing her life IF SHE WANTED TO.
You decided to be her superhero: Captain Save-A-Hoe. And now it's all coming back to bite you in the ass.
End this relationship NOW and take a minute or two to figure out why you are drawn to a woman who is such a hot ass mess because in all honesty, a man who feels good about himself would never take a woman like this seriously. Maybe it boosts your ego to be needed. Maybe you feel a woman who is a train wreck is less likely to leave you, or that you have little to offer a confident, well-adjusted woman. Whatever the case is, please give some thought to how--and why--you ended up where you are so you can avoid doing this again.
Oh, and please stop confusing pity with love.
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A
male
reader, witsend +, writes (26 June 2010):
witsend is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for the support. i guess most of was my fault for giving in like i do. when you love someone it is hard to let go even if it is not all good for you. i tried so hard to support her to make her life better. at times it seemed to work. then here would come more setbacks in her behavior. it wasn't mainly for physical pleasure, i really enjoyed her company. at times she could be very funny, cute and sweet. then the pills and alcohol took over and the bad behavior came. by the way, i offered to get her rehab, therapy, etc. but she refused. she said she would go, then refused. she left last night to go stay with her mom and also returned to the club she danced at before. they welcomed her back.i watched her walk away from me and choose that.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2010): You tell her not to let the door hit her in the ass when she leaves, change your phone number, change the locks, change your bank account number and credit card accounts BEFORE you dump her, because she will try to steal from you when she gets the news that you are finally waking up to her BS manipulation. She's user, she will never ever change her ways.This is a great site all about women like her, I advise you to study it and learn from your mistake.http://shrink4men.wordpress.com/2009/01/21/relationships-with-borderline-narcissistic-personality-women/
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A
male
reader, witsend +, writes (25 June 2010):
witsend is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks. it has been a difficult time with her. not all bad but the bad parts were really bad. very costly, not in terms of just money. hard because i truly love her.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (25 June 2010):
I think you're being totally taken for a ride. You need to get rid of this girl before you wind up broke and even more hurt. She's so much trouble that she's just not worth it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2010): Listen, I'll be real short here. Dump her, because she is using you as a toy. Some women are like that. Don't kill yourself over her. She has nothing to do with your life. All she does is leeching your money from your pocket. Find a woman that would love and care about you. You need a woman that wouldn't need help from you. Independent and loving. Someone you can start a family with, not some exotic dancer alcoholic. You can change this before it's not too late. And remember, you don't have to stay with her just because of your sexual desire. There is plenty of fish in the sea that would kneel to your knees and love you with all their heart for that kind of care. So please, don't hurt yourself, and try not to hurt her. Just tell her that she isn't your type, she is too young of something. You'll get the idea.
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