A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello all.As background:My boyfriend has always been concerned of whom I talk to. To the point where he feels my male friends or males that try to talk to me are all trying to get me into bed according to him. This triggered me drawing myself further from the friendships, as he suffers from depression and has a fear of abandonment, I did not want to make it worse. My boyfriend has a frmale friend he vents to about me. Which I think it's healthy for him, and it helps him deal with his stuff.I have complete trust in him and love him, so I am not concerned about cheating.Lately, he has been very concerned about his privacy and even accused me of going into his email, reading his texts, which is impossible as I am miles away and he told me at the start of the month he changed all of his passwords, so there was no way for me to know them.When we saw each other I was reading something he showed me in his phone and then he suddenly snatched it from me, and was checked what I was doing in his phone (I was only reading a page he showed me)I had no idea why, until today he expressed that there are things in his phone that are not beneficial for me to see, and I should not see them.I have nothing of this sort in my own phone, and when he has gone through my stuff or even read my diary while I was away he did not have any cause for concern. I told him I understood and respected his private life, but that it is obviously concerning he would be so worried I had read anything I shouldn't have regarding his friend. When I said that he was against opposite sex friendships for me, bu he had one himself. He said that most guys are not as respectful as him.I told him that the friendship itself did not bother me, and to thank the girl on my behalf because I think a sounding board does him well.I'm sure he is not cheating, as he is loving and dedicated, and by the stuff he has told me about her I am sure he would not be interested. After I expressed to my boyfriend how him saying that he has stuff I shouldn't see is concerning, he got very upset with me He said he would end talking to her, because of my "drama". I never told him to not speak to her, I thought if I had concerns about anything expressing them would be ideal.So I feel very guilty because I feel somehow I ruined my boyfriend's friendship. What can I do to fix it? I NEVER told him to not speak to her, if anything I appreciated her listening to him since he felt comfortable doing it. I was very supportive of it, and sincerely encourage him to seek advice from an impartial party. He says she always tells him I don't want a relationship with him, which is not true as I switched schools to be with him because I love him.How can I make it up to my boyfriend? I do not discuss my relationship issues with my friends, so I hope you guys can help me.
View related questions:
text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello, I appreciate the responses
To answer some of your questions
I am not sure how long they know each other, as I didn't want to invade his privacy.
I don't have anything on my phone...Once I was embarrassed of showing him my pictures album because I had taken too many pictures of myself. He got very upset, asked me what I had to hide and I had to scroll up and down through my album to calm his concerns.
Besides that he has read texts over my shoulder and saw there wasn't anything to worry about.
when we were together he was very sweet and loving like always, his demeanor was the same, and he wanted to talk about us working in the relationship.
I know he has female friends, and he has been veey open about them and only says sweet things about me to them. They've even said they'd like to meet me. He even showed me when they texted him and talked to me about them. I felt included and he seemed so open that I didn't think he would get so upset about me asking about his new friend.
I NEVER logged his email. someone from Miami did and I wasn't even in Miami!!!! I NEVER went through his phone. We slept in separate rooms, he had his phone with him, and I cannot even unlock it.
I found out about this about 2 weeks ago when we had an intense and private argument and I asked him if he had told anyone. He said a friend, and didn't say much.
I really love and care about my boyfriend, and I've never had reason to doubt him. I really have no problem with his friends...
He was prescribed medication as a teen, but no longer. He eats healthy , keeps busy, and will start to work out.
I've never had an issue with him watching porn, and he is so monogamous and I've never had a reason to suspect him.
He has been very sad since, and yes I feel I soured something though I never really said much, just said that him saying that there was stuff I should not see makes me sad of course...
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2013): A 4 year online friendship is NOT an impartial friend, if he is the one telling you this is hypocritical.Impartial party would be from someone without bias, a friend you've talked to for 4 years whether you've met or not is not an impartial party.Have you ever had anything to hide on your phone?When you see each other has his demeanor changed?Have you ever had any issues with his female friends?Did you ever actually log his email? How did you find out about his friend?Is his eating healthy and exercising something new? the friend probably follows a similar lifestyle,just so you see how much influence she has on him and why he is guilt tripping you.Consider these points and see if you have really ruined anything or simply soured something your boyfriend should not be doing.He should not have any problem with you questioning the relationship, talking about her , or asking questions about her...even talking with herIf he wants opposite sex friendships now, WHICH SHOULD BE FOR BOTH OF YOU then he should be open about it,you should not even have to ask him about his friend.He should be happy to include you.If he is really getting advice from her then the logical step would be for him to share it with you. You should not fear asking questions about their relationship because of his reactions,and he should not feel attacked by questions if it's something innocent. This goes both ways for both of you.There is a difference between sincerely wanting advice (calmly asking for a view point, being unbiased and not putting down your partner) AND just venting and saying how wrong your partner is and how awful they are being to youHow would he feel if you went to a friend and told him that your boyfriend is being childish, dramatic and immature?I'm sure he would not enjoy that as much as he enjoys telling his friend about you and being the center of attention.A true gentleman would never have any business gossiping about his woman.Now that he is found out he feels you soured that secret friendship they had and it's transferring the blame onto you by saying you are dramatic.She probably tells you him you are being irrational and he believes it.Have you shown this to him or has he shown this to his friend? If anything this should make him realize that they are both crossing boundaries he set for you first, but does not respect them.Hopefully talking about this can rebuild the trust between you two, and maybe you can come to an agreement.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2013): I think you've been fair and supportive enough of your boyfriend.
However; holding a double-standard is selfish and unfair.
If he expects you to trust him with a friend of the opposite-sex, he should trust you as well. It goes both ways, not just the way he wants it to go. He's the one who gets upset, if he thinks you're reading his private messages. What the heck is that all about?
His overreaction is suspicious. If not paranoid.
What is he hiding? Porn? Pics of her?
You're in a relationship. There is nothing he discusses with anyone not-related by blood, that he can't share with his girlfriend.
You give him your body and you've dedicated your heart to him. Who does he think he is to tell you who to be friends with, and to hide things that you should know?
He's not being respectful, or offering you the transparency a girlfriend deserves.
I'm not saying you should have random access to all his personal messages. He should not be messaging another female without giving you proof that their relationship is purely platonic; and they're not sexting and exchanging sexually explicit pics.
Technically, that is cheating.
It's still exchanging sexual pleasure with a close acquaintance, and offering material with the intent to create sexual arousal. If he's hiding this from you, he's an A-hole and hasn't been honest. Depression and all that is no excuse.
How does he get prescribed medications without therapy?
A licensed general-practitioner can prescribe medication for anxiety and mild forms of depression. They don't continue prescribing without referring the patient to a mental-health specialist for proper diagnosis, and treatment of clinical depression. Just to inform you.
His reprimanding you is unjustified. Let no man impose control over you. You are a full-grown woman. Capable of making decisions and expressing your own opinions.
You should have male friends as long as they respect your relationship, and they keep messages appropriate. They should message you mostly through social media, and minimize private messaging for the sake of your relationship. They should openly acknowledge him as your partner and boyfriend. They should respect him.
Not to say they can't keep you updated on social events and simply chat with you once in awhile. Only as long as they don't call, or text, during odd hours or too frequently. Nowadays that's almost dating.
Your boyfriend is dramatizing with that nonsense about not talking to his lady-friend anymore. Chances are he's still communicating in secret, and just put on that performance to end any further discussion about it.
She is a friend, not his therapist. Too much reliance can lead to co-dependence; which will stress your relationship and weigh too heavily on your trust. He's pushing the envelope there as it is.
They can inadvertently form a romantic-relationship born of dependency, and too much emotional interaction.
You have a right to be concerned about that.
You are a grown woman and no man should be setting rules for you to live by that he isn't willing to live by, himself.
He is entitled to his privacy, and you have no right to snoop through his private messages. However; you do have a right to question if there are any activities that are done that are in violation of your commitment; and in betrayal of your trust. Trust is earned, not taken by force.
If you should ever discover he is lying to you and cheating, end the relationship; based on the very rules he set for you. Mainly because he feared you might cheat on him. Everyone has a fear of abandonment to some degree.
Who wants to get dumped by anyone they care about?
You have nothing to fix regarding his friendship with the other female; because I think his ending contact is fictitious, and meant to make you feel guilty. If he did end it, it's a good start.
Then you can both sit down and talk it out; and make some ground rules regarding having friends of the opposite sex. Mutually decide what boundaries should not be crossed in protection of your monogamous relationship.
Do not let him manipulate you using his diagnosed depression as a reason to follow his rules. That is devious and only a way to get around compromise.
Anything you do within the normal boundaries of any usual relationship; that causes him any distress, should be discussed with a "real therapist." Not with some layman who doesn't have the credentials for treating people with alleged, or clinically diagnosed, mental-health issues.
Not to say he has no right to have a chosen "support system." I highly recommend that you should not be left out of this support system. You're supposedly his devoted
and committed girlfriend. Right?
Otherwise, why waste your life letting someone cherry-pick what he needs from you; and place you on a shelf out of the way when he's done.
You may as well find someone else you can trust, and love without so many complications.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2013): Making you swear that you did not do something is accusing you.His friend is obviously trying to incite drama between you two.I wouldnt be surprised if when he tells her he thinks you snooped that she supports his paranoia that you went through his email to make you look bad.If you have noticed he's become more aggressive or used different words that he never used before during arguments...most likely they come from his friend.She probably tells him he is right to be mad at you,and that you are being unfair and dramatic.He obviously loved the attention and you will see this be reflected in your relationship by him being extremely stubborn and convinced he is right to be mad at you for not doing what he wants.(She has probably told him so)The whole "I will leave her because of your drama" is BS, it's manipulation at it's finest, making YOU the bad guy.If you are not concerned about cheating because they aren't close to each other well...He ALREADY broke your trust and cheated emotionally. Emotional cheating is not only "romantic"From Wikipedia: "A relationship between a person and someone other than (their) spouse (or lover) that has an impact on the level of intimacy, emotional distance and overall dynamic balance in the marriage. The role of an affair is to create emotional distance in the marriage."What he did obviously affected your relationship and it's dynamic.It does not even have to be a romantic relationship to be harmful." He or she may confide more in their new “friend” than in their partner and may share more intimate emotional feelings and secrets with their new partner than with their existing spouse."When he said that there was something you "should not see" it was either sexual or romantic innuendo,or they were talking about you in a way that was probably not the most flattering.Either way it is not right, no matter how you see it.If you RESPECT your partner, you have no business speaking ill of them to another person.Period."When a person becomes emotionally involved with a third party, they will almost without fail begin to discount their primary partner, if not view the new person as all good and their committed partner as all bad"If you have noticed him adamant about his viewpoint, and unwilling to see yours or forcing his decisions on you then it is further confirmation that this "friend" is not as good for him as you might think.A good friend would never stay or intentionally cause rifts between a couple.You seem to care a lot about him and his illness,but please do not feel guilty.It's not YOU,YOU are not to blame for his illness or for betraying your trust.He probably tells you to tell him how you feel,and then repeats it to her. How can you even trust a partner like that?Please get out while you can, I would not be surprised if he wanted control of your phone.He truly is TOXIC,do not blame yourself for his depression,let him go to his friend,you really have not done anything wrong.No matter how hard you try he will constantly want more from you.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2013): He is the drama queen, not you!! He has brainwashed you to be his doormat. It is not acceptable for him to dictate all the terms and conditions of this relationship and your life. He is controlling you and just using his depression as a vehicle to achieve that ("you must not have any friends or privacy, or I will get depressed. But I must have my female friends and my privacy or I will get depressed. ". Tell him oh yeah well you just need to learn to deal with your so-called depression then, tough luck.)Leave this jerk already! The only way to keep him as a boyfriend is to give up all your rights as an individual which is mentally unhealthy for you. He is a manipulator and controller and drama queen. He even has you running around trying to give up even more now. Just. Stop.
...............................
A
female
reader, Got Issues  +, writes (27 July 2013):
 Why would you even want to prove to this guy that you love him? It won't make any difference. He is a massive hypocrite and he is manipulating you and you can't even see it.
He's not going to change and I really think you should break up with him because this is not going to have a happy ending. Sorry to sound so negative but that's how it is. The guy is a jerk and nobody is going to tell you otherwise.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question Hello, thank you for your answers.
We've been together for 1 year and 1 month. He is 25 and I am 23 (I selected the wrong year in my question sorry.) He works in management, and will soon go back to school again.
Regarding his depression, he is eating healthy and incorporating exercise. He does not like how depression meds make him feel. He doesn't go to a therapist. I think his friend was the closest thing to one, so that is why he is sad.
As a big clarifying point he met her online on a dating site years ago (they've never met in person). He says they are just friends, as she has been in a committed relationship for 4 years. Also, she lives in another state.
As an update he came to visit me as I am with family. (We live together) this is when he snatched his phone away. His friend is now saying that she got a text from him early in the morning. Apparently it was just a letter. I had NO idea they exchanged numbers, and I was already asleep when she says I allegedly texted her from my boyfriend's phone. Which I cannot even unlock.
My boyfriend asked me and had me swear that I did not text her from his phone. He cannot even find the text in his logs. I have no idea why she is doing this.
Regarding my diary:I do value my privacy a lot, but he was the one who confessed to reading it, and I understood that he'd be curious.
He is okay with me having male friends, but he would not be okay with my discussing weaknesses in my relationship and he says other men overstep their boundaries and may not be as respectful as him with his friend.
I do not want to forbid him to talk to her because I am not bothered by his friendship.
I was concerned about him saying there was stuff that I should not see.
I think forbidding him to talk to her is disrespectful. That wasn't my intention which is why I am worried as I feel I ruined his friendship.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 July 2013):
 Wow, are you not seeing what he is doing at all?
He TOLD you to NOT have male friends, so you obeyed and dropped them. Though the double-standard is in full bloom - HE could have a female friend no problem.
HE ACCUSED you of snooping even if you haven't and you can't because he has things on his phone that wouldn't be "beneficial" for you ? Seriously? And again you just go by his word.
He went through your diary? Your stuff? And that is OK? Really? So again double-standard. HE can have privacy, but you can't?
He has even USED the friend to make you jump through hoops so you can "prove" how much you love him, yet you have NEVER met this girl? You have never been introduced? And now YOU feel it's ALL your fault he ended it (I seriously doubt he actually did, he is just using it as ammo against you and look at you - you are worried for him, because HE lost his friend and he made YOU believe it's all your fault!)
He says jump you say OK! He is going to come more and more demanding and YOU (I'm guessing you are a people-pleaser?) are going to obey, even when it's unreasonable.
This is not at all healthy.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (27 July 2013):
 How long have you been with your boyfriend? How old is he? What does he do for a living? How does he manage his depression, does he get treatment? Or are your his therapist?
I know you don't want to hear this, and I am sure I can't make you believe it either, but here goes anyway. Your boyfriend is manipulating you. He isn't ending his friendship with this girl because of anything you did or said. Your boyfriend is too selfish and too self concerned to ever be bothered by your opinion. If he ends the friendship with this girl it will be because he himself wants it. As for now he's just trying to make you feel bad, make you feel like the bad one. And he got you wrapped around his little finger, because here you are asking how YOU can make it up to HIM.
Make up for what? He's the ones who's read your freaking DIARY, he's the one who's told you to not be friends with guys (and hence YOU are the one who has lost friendships, not him). He's the one who is accusing you of hacking into his e-mails etc. He's the one who's got the secret stuff on his phone, he's the one who's got things he wants to hide from you. And when you point out the elephant in the room, that OBVIOUSLY there is a double standard here and he is a hypocrite, then he makes you feel bad for saying anything.
Why do you allow this treatment? Why do you think it is fine for him to read your most personal thoughts in your diary? Perhaps you have no need for privacy, perhaps you do no respect your RIGHT to have privacy, regardless of whether you have anything to hide or not. But that doesn't make it okay for him to walk all over you. Just because you say it's fine, doesn't make it fine.
Listen, he's no good for you. I hear you say you aren't worried about him cheating, but he's got things he's hiding. So he is cheating. Whether he has slept with someone else, or kissed someone else, I don't know. It's no relevant. The definition of cheating isn't having sex with someone else, the definition includes ALL activities you HIDE from your partner. And you know he is hiding things, he's even admitted to hiding things. And he's so secretive, and so scared you will read something that he changes all passwords...
Open your eyes. It's the ones who cheat who are most prone to accusing their partner of cheating. And a CLASSIC cheating strategy is to make your partner feel like the bad one, and make it out like he is innocent.
Whether you break up with him or not is up to you, but please work on respecting yourself and your privacy. Change all passwords so he can't read your e-mails. He has no right to. Do not let him read your diary, that was a huge breach of trust on his part, and a dumpable offense. Yet you forgave him, nay, you go as far as to say you're fine with it.
Look, you deserve better. You have nothing to apologize for. He is treating you like a doormat, and manipulating you. He shows a clear lack of respect for you. There are men out there who will respect you, because you do deserve it. Don't let your boyfriend get to you, I am sure he is feeding you lies about how you wont find anyone better, or about how he loves you, or about how much he sacrifices for you (the martyr strategy, also just manipulation).
If you wonder why I feel I am in a position to call your boyfriend a manipulator then I will tell you. Because I am a very skilled manipulator myself. I can manipulate people into leaving their own families, if I want to. I try to use my "powers" for good, not bad, but I have been a bitch too in the past. So I recognize the techniques when I see them. I also have a controlling father, who's techniques I've seen first hand. Your boyfriend is both controlling and manipulative, and no, he does not love you. He treats you like his possession, and holds you by force. He doesn't not treat you like an equal human, who he is blessed to have in his life. He makes you stay not by being good to you, but by giving you no other option (taking you away from friends and isolating you, breaking down your self esteem and controlling who you talk to and what you do).
You should talk to a close friend about what you experience in the relationship, if you have any close friends left. Your boyfriend is old enough to take care of himself, you are NOT him mother or caretaker. All of this is just another manipulation trick to make you saty "I will sink into deep depression if you leave me", is BS. He will be just fine if you leave him. His abandonment issues is just another leash he has on you. Like I said.. he holds you by force, not love.
Tell him he should end the friendship with this girl, because you do find it hypocritical that he has a female friend while you are not "allowed" to have male friends. See what he does. No doubt, he will not end the friendship.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (27 July 2013):
 Your boyfriend is very controlling, and you need to put a stop to his crap.
No, he's not the tyrannical type who abuses you or calls you names, but he's got you under his thumb using more subtle manipulation and emotional blackmail of the dirtiest kind.
First of all, his depression and abandonment issues (I have doubts) are HIS problem, not yours. He controls who you talk to by seemingly holding his issues over your head.
Second of all, it is really disloyal for him to ever talk about you to another woman. That goes well over the line, and if he loved you, he wouldn't allow her to badmouth you to him. I would break up with any guy who used another woman to put me down or vent my arguments to.
Third, she wants more than friendship. While it is true he is entitled to his privacy, what he said would bother me. He's being disloyal to you. There shouldn't be any communication with other women that he couldn't feel comfortable with you seeing. That is true trust. I'm not saying you are entitled to his passwords. I'm saying you're entitled to his privacy of the dealings between you and him.
She's trying to break you two up, and he's feeding off of it ego-wise. I'm guessing there's flirting and sex talk going on between them because it makes him feel good.
Stop right now feeling like you have to "make anything up" to him. He needs to stop with his manipulation and disloyalty. Tell him that your relationship is none of her business, and that if a single word of communication would violate trust, he needs to knock it off now.
You do not EVER try to compensate for someone else's baggage. Not ever. If he has issues, he needs to deal with them, and he has you giving ground that you should never ever give, like reading your diary and going through your stuff?!? I personally would dump any man who pulled that. That's ridiculous, and this guy hiding his own life while violating your privacy while you excuse him for it?
This guy is TOXIC.
...............................
|
