A
male
age
41-50,
*TJ888
writes:I've been dating an awesome girl for almost 4 years and she told me she wants a break as my actions at times pushed her away..she loves me most of the time, she says i'm such a great person, all the things she loves about me, etc., but the sway i act sometimes devastates her and she reached her breaking point.I'm crushed as it is my fault.Ever since we started I had issues with her past that took a while to get over - lot of drugs, stripped for a short time, slept around a lot...I think it would take any guy some time to accept? Or am I nuts here? I'm no angel but it would just get to me here and there, more so in the beginning and it tapered off alot. but it came out again recently and she's had enough.She had a tough time in college as her parents went through a nasty divorce, her dad was verbally physically abusive to the whole family, etc. I thought I accepted things, albeit i had my moments where it bothered me, for what they were. She had a rough upbringing dealing with her family, etc. I tried to reason with myself that that is why she did those things but it never seemed to make sense and I felt if i knew why she acted in that way I could understand why and accept things better.The divorce and the tough family life never seemed to be enough.I know of a lot of people with similiar situations. I felt like i was missing something. anyway, she's such an awesome girl - down to earth, pretty, not stuck up at all, very smart (ivy league educated). I loved her i just couldn't seem to let go of things in her past and she started to feel that she would be worried I was going to be upset about things to the point where I was getting controlling. I'm so ashamed of myself. when we started dating she still had some issues - depression, drinking a lot, etc., some instances happened where she humiliated me but we got through it as I saw the good in her. I was patient and forgiving cause I saw so much in her. she was such a happier person when things moved along with us and I know I helped her out alot and helped her get through some things. My own issues with her past, that I thought i got over,just crept up again and here I am now. I'm absolutely crushed as she was the best. I feel so immature(i'm 32) that I would obsess about things like that and I know its probably more issues with slight anxiety problems that I do have. I'm talkaing to somebody about that now (wish i did it years ago) for myself but also so I won't act like that as i'm ashamed of it.I don't know where things are going to go but its not looking good and i'm crushed.I've been in relationships in the past but never this long and never with somebody I fell for so much. Despite the things that bothered me once in a while she was the one I wanted to be with for the rest of my life. I know I had to get over those issues that bothered me if we were going to take the next step and they weren't bothering me as much, it just came out. I know its not fair for me to do that to her and I want to work through it. just don't feel that she wants to and it bothers me. there were a lot of things i got over, i was so good to her overall. We could do anything together and be completely content.it's been a month now since we had the initial talk and of course i've been pathetically begging her to work things out and now i've finally decided i have to give her space as she wanted initially. I just feel so vulnerable right now. anyway i guess i'm just venting here as i think i burned out all my buds venting to them about this. thanks.
View related questions:
a break, crush, divorce, drugs, her past, immature Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, RTJ888 +, writes (12 August 2009):
RTJ888 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHonestly pyroshadow, in hindsight, since my relationship doesn't look like it will work out, i would get out now if i were you. your at 3 months and i was close to 4 years. just down the drain. I thought I accepted things for what they were but I guess i still had problems with it. It's not so much the amount its just the bizarre situations, the stripping, the coke she was in to..just all of that together would make me thinkn too much. I'm not looking for a virgin either, i guess that was just too much. i just couldn't put it together as to why. I still think there was something i was missing. and sorry to those who say get over it, thats hypocritical, she has a right to do that, etc. I dont' think any girl that acts like that respected herself and if there isn't a justifiable reason for me to understand why. free love, exploring your own body, parents getting divorced, etc., just wasn't enough for me i guess. there's a line between being inquisitive about things like that, being in love with somebody in the past and having absolutely no respect for yourself. maybe i'm nuts, i don't know. I still want her back and I hope its something we can work through cause she's the best.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2009): i'm already into it too much, i thought i got over the issues. actually i know it did, it just slipped out a night in the bedroom after a few drinks,etc. its so frusterating. it's been almost 4 years. now i'm faced with not having her in my life and i can't stand it. not sure if i can save things or what. she's such a nice girl and it was terrible for me to obsess about.I can't imagine anybody not having some sort of problem with it and is it an honest relationship if i wasn't told about things like that? They would come out at some point. anyway, i have no desire to be with anyone else. the conclusion i came to was without her past she wouldn't be the great person she is today. But now how do i save things or is it hopeless. i don't know.
...............................
A
male
reader, Pyroshadow +, writes (12 August 2009):
Me too. I am pretty much dealing with the same thing as you are.
You think talking about it helps but then it just spins it up even more.
From what I am learning there are really only two things you can do.
Do you love her? Picture you life without her. How is it? What do you see?
Did you see a life without her, or did you just find yourself oddly chuckleing going, "Gee, I wonder how long we last apart. We cant go for more then a week without seeing each other."
If so you have then ask yourself if you really love her enough to love her unconditnally and move on from her past. You cant change it and she cant change it.
It might always be there in the back of your mind but it might be a lot less dull then it is now.
Or you have to end it. End it quick before you draw yourself into her anymore.
...............................
|
