A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Me an my partner have not long broke up, we have a 3 month old baby together and i love him so so much, i really want him back. The reason we broke up is because i told his cousin's girlfriend that he was pressurising me to have sex not long after i gave birth to my baby girl. She then told my boyfriend and he said because i talked about him behind his back so he cant be with me. i really want him back, he still is in my babies life an it is killing me to see him every day. please help me what should i do to get him back, louise 20yr old xxxx
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female
reader, GettingInYourBizness  +, writes (4 August 2010):
 Anonymous posts some good info, but I still don't think this guy would pack up and leave over this.
Anonymous mentions about not talking behind his back, but in reality..it seems like it was 2 chicks talking (which women talk about everything) and you probably just mentioned this really casually. Then whoever told him probably took it way out of proportion.
This guy seems like such a pig, maybe if he wasn't such an animal and sensitive to your needs, both of you wouldn't be at this point.
I bet he completely ignored the problem (pushing for sex so soon after the birth) and made the focus all about him (not talking behind his back).
In reality, he should have just came to you and apologized for his animalistic behavior and both of you talk about that issue @ sex too soon and set a tone for whatever the problem you guys have you'll both TALK about it.
Personally, I don't like this guy. He seems very one-sided, stubborn, selfish. It's kinda a shame at this point you'll be tied to him for the rest of your life since you have a child together.
Bottom line though, I don't think it's over, you guys just have to talk about it.
He's really making a bigger deal about this than he should, I love (being sarcastic) the way of how he's completely ignoring the behavior that caused the problem and is blaming it all on you - classic.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2010): That girlfriend is trouble. Such things are so obviously told in confidence. A harsh way to learn that not everyone can be trusted. I wouldn't bother much with her in the future. Usually those sort of people turn out to be flaky in other ways too.
I very much hope that you didn't tell that girl as a way of publicly shaming your boyfriend. Because then your boyfriend's reaction would be somewhat understandable, if still extreme if this was the first instance. But I'll give you the benefit of doubt there.
Your ex-boyfriend. Walking out on his girlfriend and new baby is well over the top. After all, you do need to be able to discuss your problems. And calling that "talking behind his back" shows a very controlling streak.
Relationships are not private to the both of you. That's a common teenage misconception (since at that age relationships do need an element of secrecy to work in the hot-house atmosphere of school). But not all of a relationship should be public, and sex is very much in that category. Which isn't to say that it is wrong to discuss it in private with a close friend.
So what to do?
I doubt this is your boyfriend's real problem with your relationship. It all seems so coincidental, you with a new baby, he needing to step up to the demands of fatherhood, him ending the relationship. So have some serious thought about that. Was he pleased to have a baby? Was he coping? Was he too bound up in himself, or was he supportive of the demands on you?
He doesn't exist in a vacuum either. Go and talk with his friends and listen to what they think. One of them might give you the favour of being true and blunt. Obviously, you never tell anyone what they say, not even your ex-bf.
Go and talk with his parents -- they know him best. If they seem willing (and they often are, since your baby is their grandchild), put it all on the table, see what they think the real issues are, if they can be addressed, and how you might do that. At least then if you never get back together your baby will still have both its grandparents.
Then, once you're prepared your ground, speak with him seriously. Preferably with both sets of parents there, if that looks like it will help. He has left you. Is that permanent? If so, what are his visitation times -- since obviously him just "dropping in" is too upsetting to you. What is happening financially? If he hasn't left you, well what concrete steps are the two of you going to take to make it work (and the implication is that if he doesn't do them then he is out. Don't fall into the trap of promising too much yourself -- your time is being totally sucked away by the baby and you need to be realistic about that).
You have to toughen up. Be willing and prepared to go this alone. Because unless you are like that, he's just going to play mind games (like he may well be doing just now). No one play mind games with someone who says only what they mean and means what they say. So that's what you need to become.
You don't want mind games, like you have time for that with a baby. You want to know if he is in or out, and if he is in, then you want properly in. Equally, if he is out, then you want that publicly declared so you can get on with caring for the newest and most important member of your family.
A final hint. This is serious stuff in an adult world. You don't do this stuff with text messages, Twitter or Facebook -- that's for teenagers. You do the easier stuff on the phone once when you have time to concentrate (so when the baby is down, not when in the car). You do the harder stuff face-to-face. You do the hardest stuff face-to-face with someone who'll make sure the two of you are playing fair and can attest to the agreement made if people try to shift ground later.
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A
female
reader, GettingInYourBizness +, writes (3 August 2010):
I doubt he really broke up with you.
I bet you're driving up his phone with calls, texts, apologizing, leaving voice mails...see where I'm going with this..
I think he's just trying to make a point, so you don't do it again.
Some guys know if they totally cut off contact for awhile, it will drive the chick berserk.
I have 2 brothers both around 20, one is a very good natured guy and is very caring with his chick. The other brother however schemes quite a bit, when his GF has an issue or they argue he often does the "no contact/will not call" for about a week or so while all during this time the chick is burning up his phone like crazy wanting to talk to him.
In his mind, she's learning something, so when they do talk she'll know better than to do whatever it was again.
This is not anything I do, but from what I have seen with him.
Any chance you think this is what's going on?
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