A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone. My question is about my boyfriend of 3 years, he is 8 years older and has 2 kids. He does not want more and told me he would never have chidren with me. I was not sure what I wanted, but have now decided I don't want to have kids. So now we both don't want kids, we should be able to stay together without a problem, but I resent him because he told me he would never have kids with me and I don't feel as if he should "benefit" from the relationship in that case, crazy as it sounds. Should I rather start over and pit this behind me? Other than this and his poor financial situation there are no problems. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2013): You feel resentful because he basically said he was ready to reject you. And even though you made the decision (not to have kids) that he wanted, it still remains that he was ready to reject you if you had come to a different decision.Well at least he is honest. The question then is whether you were equally honest (I.e. true to yourself ) in making the decision to not have kids? Is that really what you want regardless of who you are with, or was this a compromise in order to keep him? If it was a compromise, even one that you're fine with, it still makes the relationship unequal because you compromised for him and he didn't for you. I suggest you really examine if you made the right decision of not having kids, for YOURSELF. Take him out of the picture. If he left you or died tomorrow, would you feel comfortable seeing yourself in the future as as a childfree woman? If this is really what you want for yourself then you need to let go of your resentment toward him since you are choosing this path for yourself.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (9 July 2013):
 I'm with person12345
You both want the same, and that is not kids so what is the problem?
I don't think its JUST you he doesn't want kids with - he is just DONE having kids.
Now if you think that maybe some time in the future you change your mind, then he is NOT the guy for you.
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A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (9 July 2013):
 Imagine if you will; taking finances out of the equation, a partner with 2 kids, who does want more children and definitely would like them with you… What would your decision be then? I feel that some decisions we make are greatly influenced by those we are with, and the one who stands to benefit least from this situation is certainly you!? Thing is, he gets to keep his children while you forego this experience and learn to accept the role of Stepmother. Plus he also doesn’t have to mend his (poor) income to cover a second family.Perhaps you’ve weighed these pros and cons carefully, but I have a suspicion that you wrestled with this thought as you weren’t quite sure to what you wanted, and have now substituted children for his lifestyle offering? Hence you feel resentment towards him because you are not really getting a good alternative deal?Take Care – CAA
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2013): Your ego is bruised. Forget it and enjoy the times you share x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2013): You're upset he doesn't want kids - you've made the logical decision that to be with him, you don't want to have kids. But, truly, in your heart, is this what you want?Even if there is a tiny 'inkling' that perhaps you might want kids, believe me, once you hit your 30's and your clock starts ticking - you're going to feel differently.The financial situation, at his age, is this something that will last? Will his financial problems resolve? Does he have a good career?Over the long term, this is another deal breaker - you can't live in chronic poverty with someone who doesn't have his stuff together.Financial problems and baby problems are not just 'other problems' and everything else is fine. These are deal breakers. These are the big picture things that affect the rest of your life.You need to make some decisions here.
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (8 July 2013):
Is his poor financial situation a good reason for not having kids? Else I would think he was being really honest and has his mind made up on the matter. I think you are maybe over thinking the emotional factor in this.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2013): I don't understand. What would you of wanted instead... For him to be with you and not tell you he didn't want any more kids? At least he was honest and told you. I think you don't like the fact that he choose to have kids with someone else and will not consider having any with you.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (8 July 2013):
 I am very confused on what you are resenting him for. He is done having kids, you don't want kids, everything sounds good? Has he done something wrong here?
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