A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I hope someone else on this site has been in my shoes and understands my situation, and perhaps as even been on any of the three side or three possible outcomes.Let me first explain what's going on, and I can only do that from my point of view.I am currently married to a very warm and loving wife, who have progressively shrunk into herself, not being the loving caring woman that I fell for 11 years ago. IN fact our relationship started soon after I left my previous ex-wife. Though my leaving had nothing to do with my current wife. Now I grant you, that in all fairness, my wife has been ill, and cannot do everything that she used to do. I have come to terms with that. Additionally my daughter (24 years old) moved in with us about 3 years ago after giving birth to my granddaughter and this has put a lot of extra stress on my wife. She is sleeping when I leave for work, she is sleeping when I get home for lunch and is napping when I get home after work. This is her avoidance of stress on her from my daughter/granddaughter. Enter into this equation, a woman who I have always considered to be the lost love of my life, who actually I met a year after my daughter was born, and who I had very little opportunity to explore a relationship with because of my new daughter and fairly new wife. (she got pregnant on our honeymoon). Back then, 23 years ago, I fell head of heels with her and basically gave up what I thought was a potentially incredible relationship. About a month ago, out of the blue, for the first time since 1987, She emailed me, innocently enough to asked if I remembered her. Now here we get to the meat of my issue. Over the course of the last month, we have talked on the phone and emailed back and forth. My feelings for her feel the same as they did when I said goodbye. I have thought of her on and off again over all these years and when She first emailed me, I responded with an excited and desiring email. Unfortunately no pre-thought involved, just gut reaction. Since then, we have declared love for one another, and have planned to meet face to face to see if our love is real or some pipe dream that has floated threw the years. This morning, my wife asked me if there was someone else. and instead of sparing her feelings and lying to her, because I don't want my decision to be fettered by lies, I told her about the Other Woman. Then I told the Other Woman about my wife knowing. the Other Woman, has been nothing but caring and concerned about my feelings so far (hours only) while my wife seems to think I should know what I want. What do I want? I want to be loved and cherished, I want a partner that wants to do many of the things that I want do, and who I want to follow around and do things with too. I want a partner that is connected and involved with me. My wife, who used to me more engaged and involved with me, because of her illness, has drifted away from that, while the OW (other woman) has already made many of my interests her lifestyle, before I ever came into her life again. She also seems to love me, but is unwilling to be run over by an angry wife. I told my wife that I needed time to figure out what I wanted to do or had to do. She responded that if I really feel that I need time to figure it out, then she already had her answer. The OW and I had made a plan to get away for 3 days, but that was to happen at the end of Sept. I don't think that I will have the opportunity to wait that long before a decision is forced, and if I get with this OW and it's nothing more than a Pipe Dream, then It appears that I will have already discarded my life with the wife. I don't know what to do. Any advise or parallel stories to help me would be greatly appreciated. Me
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2010): I feel sorry for your dear wife. Hahaha your so called true love was playing the field and hooking up with another man while planning a revendous with you. Speaks volumes of her. You thre awa a good marriage for a worthless woman. You got what you deserved.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSadly for me the situation has ended because of the confusion and pain to my wife, and my love being uncertain about her own feelings, plus I believe that she has started a new relationship that has been building even as we waited for our "rendezvous" to meet in late September, now my heart is crushed and she seems lost to me forever, not wanting to keep in contact, or even communicate with me until my status is "single" I know it's the right thing to do, but still my heart breaks. I hope Your date brings you everything you desire.
Me
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2010): I am in the same situation. My first and only true love contacted me last week after 20 years and all of our feelings have come rushing back. My husband of 19 years was the rebound guy and I love him, but have never been "in love" with him. I feel I cannot deny myself the chance to see if I can have true love with who I feel is my soul mate. We have a date to meet next week and I am going to do it. I have decided to take it from there after we see each other again and not make any decisions now. I agree that I am being selfish, but sometimes you have to put your happiness first. I am not telling my husband anything until I have seen this other person and know if it is worth giving up what I have. I wish you had waited as well, so you weren't under this pressure to make a decision before even knowing what you want. We all deserve love and happiness and I believe life is too short to waste any time being in the wrong situation if you don't have to. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2010): Of course, you're filled with doubt about whether it's a good idea or not. You're scared this woman may turn into a huge mistake n you'll end up regretting throwing away what you have now. Well, I think that you should stop being so selfish. I have been on everyside of this type of situation and let me tell you- you're going to doubt n wonder n even regret NO MATTER WHAT choice you make. What you should be taking into consideration here is YOUR WIFE! I'm not any better as I was once the other woman in my man's life at one time and although I hoinestly dislike his ex quite a bit I still know what we did was WRONG and SELFISH and she didn't deserve the pain it surely caused her! And he'll probably tell you himself that I sure as hell didn't turn out to be the woman of his dreams like he was sure I was when he decided to leave his wife for me. I guess my point I'd like to stress is that you're going to wonder n regret any choice you make but you can ensure you minimize the hurt and damage to the innocent people involved (your wife, your daughter even) by making a decision FIRST and sticking WITH IT. If you want to give this woman a go- break it off with your wife- she can't start to move on if she's waiting around for you to make up your mind. I would just suggest ditching this other woman but you sound intent on it- just keep in mind your WIFE has done nothing to deserve that sort of pain that leaving her for someone else will do to her.
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A
female
reader, shna  +, writes (3 August 2010):
 i think before you go away for a weekend get away you should meet with her for coffee or something . . may figure out something, obviously your not happy in your relationship at the moment ,so why would you bother staying with this woman whether this OW wanted you or not ? becasue you feel sorry for your wife an this illness she bares? grow up a bit do the right thing and leave your wife theres no point in being with somebdy who doesnu forfil your needs if you have to step up shop on your own mabye you should, mabye its the best thing theres nothing wrong with being alone
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThere is some clarification needed, The woman that I have fallen in love with, was not my ex-wife, but a women I met while married to my ex-wife.
Me
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