A
female
age
30-35,
*ubterranean
writes:Today I'm bogged down with regret, it never really leaves, but I usually manage it a little better, today though, I'm to weak to fight it, and so I feel its full debilitating force.I've always been a romantic, ever since I was a toddler, but after years of loneliness and a few occasions in which I thought I found the one, who happened to not know I existed, I went though a period of being cynical about love and coldhearted, this began the summer I started middle school, which is right when my hormones were at there most feverish, I was quite the rebel, and around the time I discovered alcohol, the combination of these factors led to me engaging in sexual acts casually.I was fine with this for a while, even after this period of two years had ended, but eventually I fell for someone, my heart started to come alive again, and I regretted every single thing I did, especially because he saved himself for the one, I feel dirty and unworthy of him, he is a jealous person and hates that he has to share me with other guys, he tries to cover it up, but whenever the topic of my past comes up you can see this pained look on his face, and it makes me feel terrible, it was my choice, I could have saved myself, if I just had enough faith in the one I wouldn't have done this, but I'm weak and gave in to my animal urges, lowered myself as a human being to societies level. I would do anything, anything at all to take back my past, but I can't, so I need to get over this, is what the sane side of my brain says, but I don't know how to get over this, I want to, but a part of me feels I don't deserve to, I should suffer, mentally and emotionally, at the very least. That is probably not a healthy way to view things, but its the truth, and what is healthy anyway? If I deserve to feel guilty and I do, wouldn't that be as it should? But then there is the whole concept of deserving things anyway.I've betrayed my love and myself, in ignorance, but not innocence and now I'm remorseful, as well I should be, but I'm learning that being remorseful doesn't fix things, somehow I thought it did. I need to know what way, if there is anyway to remedy this situation.
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female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (31 October 2010):
 Yeah, he's sensitive, but that doesn't give him the right to put his girlfriend down and make her feel miserable too. Just because you have feelings doesn't give you the right to bring anyone else down, because YOUR personal feelings are YOUR personal problem. It's not OUR emotional baggage, it's yours. The other person can help you cope with it, but insisting that the other person is responsible for your emotional baggage (I mean, REALLY? How codependent can you get?) is extremely emotionally dishonest. At some point you have to be an adult and be responsible for your own problems, including the emotional ones.
Note that she felt fine about herself until she met him. That's a big honking clue about why she feels so bad. He needs to accept her exactly as she is, or let her go. If he did accept her, she would not have these feelings of worthlessness and despair. She would feel loved.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2010): This is a compatibility problem. It's not about assigning blame for past mistakes. You are not a lesser person for what you did but you are less compatible with this guy because of it.
And to Quirklady: Her boyfriend is not the problem here. Read the story. You don't have the right to judge him for his emotions.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2010): to QuirkLady - "If he cannot deal with the fact that you had a different life before you met him that is HIS problem, not yours"
...It's rather selfrighteous to think that one can blame the suffering onto the boyfriend in this instance. It's obvious that he is sensitive about how she feels, and wants to try and keep it from affecting the relationship. I had a similar experience with my first girlfriend, and the feelings I felt weren't ones that I enjoyed having, and I would have definately preferred to never have had them at all... but nevertheless they were there. Saying "the past is the past" does not entitle nor empower you to negate the feelings that your partner might have. Entering into a truly emotionally intimate relationship means that both parties bring their baggage along with them, and it all becomes "our" baggage. These two need to work it out together, with honest communication and with a constant focus on moving past it.
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A
female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (26 October 2010):
Look, you are who you are. What you have gone through and experienced in the past has made you the person you are today. Sure, you may have done things that you wouldn't have done if you had foresight. But you know what you can do about it? Absolutely nothing! You can't change a thing because you would not be you anymore.
If he cannot deal with the fact that you had a different life before you met him that is HIS problem, not yours. Do not let his jealousy affect your life. You are not spoiled, nor ruined, nor weak. You are human. You are who you are and there is NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT. There is nothing wrong with you. Nothing. Nothing in the slightest.
Learn to accept and cherish who you are today. Accepting and forgiving yourself is the single greatest thing you can do. We all make mistakes. It is part of the human condition. You are no worse than anyone else on the planet, so please stop beating yourself up and love yourself. You are worthy of love and there is nothing wrong with you.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (26 October 2010):
 And thus a hell is bestowed upon those who seek it and you know that in a sense, you do seek a hell in your own mind. But that is not the answer. Regret does indeed teach you just how careful you need to be from now on, with emotion, with love, with people, but that is the only purpose regret has.
Now that you know this, you may begin to find purity once more. Diligence, Chastity, Kindness, Patience, Temperance, Humility and Charity. Seven virtues that I find most helpful in times of need.
To be diligent: Silence your sorrows and begin taking action to make him see you for who you are NOW. That you wish to be with him and that you wish to be happy with him now. Smile with him and make him see that he is the only person you wish to be with.
To be chaste: Ensure your world is not, nor shall it ever, be affected by sex. Sex is usually unimportant in a relationship, having significant affects only if one partner wishes it to. How do you think some couples survive with love in their hearts even if one of them loses the ability to have sex. Do not doubt, love is more powerful than lust. Make him see that you wish to save yourself now because there is something to save. Your heart, your mind, your soul, all are saved for him and that is more important than anything you have already given to anyone else.
To be kind: Understand that why he feels the way he does and do not carry loathing in your heart for his emotions, neither of you can help what you feel but you can try not to act on it. Try to make him happy whilst ensuring he does the same for you. Try to show him how happy he can be with you no matter what.
To be patient: Give him time to accept your truth and give him time to see you for who you are and what you do now. That is not to say, be seperate from him and do not see him, instead, see him but do not rush into a relationship, accept friendship for now until he is ready to committ to you wholeheartedly.
To show temperance: Accept what love he has to give but do not demand it. Do not demand anything from anyone and in that find that you have what you need already.
To show humility: This virtue does not command one to be humiliated, but, I need not explain it, you have already shown humility in accepting that your past was wrong, you have shown it in accepting your flaws for what they are and not trying deny it. Now you can move on and focus on the other virtues.
In this may you find the purity you need to show him that you and he can be together happily. The past is the past and it cannot be changed, but you can change your future and that is what truly matters. In these virtues may you find purity once more and may your regrets fade away. They were your teachers and now you have finished learning, you no longer have a need for them. Good luck.
I hope that helps.
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A
male
reader, knaixer  +, writes (26 October 2010):
 wow, you know... I feel you. but I don't think beating yourself up about it will help. Sometimes feeling sad is like a drug in itself. You will get into this loop and it will hurt. You want to get out, but you still can't help getting back in. It's addicting - those painful feelings. And you did give a perfect excuse to go back into that loop eventhough you want to get out and be happy with your lover. I say stop taking those "sad" drugs, it will ruin your relationship. And it will pull you back to your past again (cuz you will think you can't escape it) Trust me on this, Stop Beating yourself up! Past is past. Also, if it seems he's in pain when your past comes up... hug him, and said "I'm sorry" and have him look at you, and see your feelings. Guys can be pretty blind at this things so you might have to give him sometimes to know what to do.
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