A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:This is not a relationship question but it's something that is really weighing on my mind. I recently met this girl around my age. We got on well and my first impression of her was good. My boss has been looking for someone to fill a position at work and I recommended her, thinking she'd be perfect for the position. He interviewed her and gave her the job. She starts next Monday. Since then I have realised that, although she is undoubtedly nice, she is also neurotic and insecure and can't seem to make decisions by herself. My boss needs someone independent who doesn't need support all the time. I really regret recommending her despite barely knowing her. I feel really foolish and responsible even though it was ultimately my boss who hired her, because he trusts my judgement. He can't exactly fire her, and he is also a good person who wouldn't do that, but I feel like the dynamics at work are going to change. I feel like I've really messed up. I think about it all the time and it feels like I'm carrying a massive weight. Is this as big a deal as I think it is? What can I do to alleviate my guilt and stop feeling like I've made a horrible mistake?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2013): well seeing as how you didn't know her very well when you made the recommendation, I don't think anyone can fault you if she turns out to be a bad employee. After all, you gave your recommendation based on the knowledge you had at the time, it was an honest mistake if it does in fact turn out to be a mistake. It's not like you knew she had issues and lied the boss saying she didn't have those issues. My question is, why did you recommend someone you barely knew? If the boss knows that you barely knew her, then he shouldn't take your recommendation that seriously anyway since it's only as good as his own first impression of her. There's a difference between merely making a suggestion to hire someone and see what happens, versus endorsing someone for the job. When I write letters of recommendation for my former employees or interns who are applying for new jobs, I am endorsing them. I am saying "I know this person, I've seen their work and I can vouch for them." That's very different from saying "you have a job vacancy, I know this person is looking for a job and may qualify, so why don't you try them out and see for yourself, take it or leave it." ...Do you see the difference? I think you were doing the latter, and your boss knows that, so it's not "all on you" if she falls flat on her face in this job.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2013): Hi I am the OP. Thanks for your input WiseOwlE. I'll try to explain a bit. It's nothing to do with sex. The workplace is small and everyone knows each other fairly well but there are no romantic or sexual relationships between anyone. Everyone has a partner or spouse, including me, so the relationships are strictly platonic.
I was quick to recommend her to my boss first of all because he really needed to fill this position. I liked her, and still do, and so I wanted to do both my boss and her a favour. I got carried away trying to "save the day" by finding someone. In terms of judging people, I can usually tell if someone is a good person or not, but I tend not to think much further than that and that's a problem.
My problem with this girl and the reason I said those things about her is that she calls me day and night, telling me about her problems and needing my advice. She is persistent and doesn't have boundaries. We barely know each other but she called me 4 times in an hour one day. She asks me weird questions and is quite pushy and intrusive. I don't want to be rude to her, especially since we are going to be working together, but I feel smothered and I feel sick when she calls. I've told her I'm busy and have a lot of stuff going on and she seems to respect that and then after two days she starts calling and texting me again.
Reading back through my own answer, I guess that my problem with her is personal. This doesn't have to be an indication of how she'll be as an employee. I'm just worried that she'll be like this with my colleagues, too, and that I will have "inflicted" her on them.
The other thing that I really should mention because it's quite important is I told her some personal stuff about my life and I'm not even sure why I did that. I think I can trust her but I wish I hadn't told her, I really don't know her well enough. So if I'm brutally honest I guess I'm directing my anger at myself towards her, which is awful, I know, because I chose to tell her that stuff.
I feel bad for having these thoughts and feelings. If she hadn't been so persistent I would have stood by my original judgement of her.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2013): Most jobs in the U.S. have a 90-day probationary period, allowing a new employee an opportunity to prove their proficiency on the job.
I'm not sure why you're folding under your own recommendation; which may prove you may not be good at making good judgements yourself. Just an observation.
If you barely know her; why did you go out of your way? How did you suddenly come to the conclusion she is neurotic and insecure? Aren't we missing a lot of details here?
My suspicion is that you want rid of her for your own personal reasons. Incompetency is to be determined by her job performance.
So what does sex have to do with any of this? Just playing on a hunch. The only dynamics that will change on the job is you can't just shake her off and walk away. You'll see her everyday. If my hunch is off-point. My humble apology.
I don't think your boss found any issues with her qualifications; and I doubt he would place his own job on the line by hiring anyone he didn't feel fits the position.
He'd take more of a fall than you would.
The boss made the final decision to hire, based on his own opinion after interviewing the candidate. You simply made a recommendation that could have just as easily been any random applicant chosen from a pile of applications. You can look good on paper, and be a totally horrible employee.
I suggest that you deal with whatever personal issues you have with this woman. You neglected to provide any details to support your sudden change of heart. All you stated was your own assessment of her personality; you didn't mention anything about her education, job-experience, or professional qualifications.
If the job doesn't require special skills or distinct qualifications; that may account for such an easy hire.
So don't worry about it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2013): Thank you so much to both of you for answering my question. You're right in that I need to remember that my boss was also involved in this. He must have seen something good in her too. I tend to take the blame for things and beat myself up over them. I am great at knowing exactly what I should have done when its already too late. I see the good in people and get carried away and that's why I raved about this girl to my manager. Sage old guy, you're also right in that she may turn out to be good at the job. I am just imagining a disaster and everyone blaming me, but she might be really great at the job. I guess I need to stop feeling like I'm responsible for her. She's an adult. I spoke to a friend earlier who said that I should also try to put things in perspective. No one has died, no one has been hurt, the company will not be brought to its knees. Thanks again for the advice, really helpful and appreciated.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (29 August 2013):
 I wouldn't spend a lot of time or mental energy fretting over this. After all, the boss, hisself, made the final decision.... AND, you can't be sure.... maybe this friend will "rise up" to the occasion - to the demands and expectations of the job - and provide a pleasant surprise.
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, ihavetoomanythoughts  +, writes (29 August 2013):
 Yes, ultimately it was your boss who hired her. He made the decision to hire her AFTER he interviewed her. Your boss might trust your judgement but he obviously understood that his own judgement was needed, otherwise he wouldn't have conducted the interview. He chose this girl as much as you did. No need to take the responsibility all on your own.
Don't go up to your boss and tell him what you think of the new girl. Just make it more obvious that you just met her and don't know her too well.
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