A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone,So I had an abortion at Christmas. My boyfriend and I were only together for 6 months, we have no money and we live in my flat. At the time it seemed like the sensible decision. However 8 months later, I'm regretting the decision, I'm now 29 and my clock is ticking louder than ever. We're more stable in our relationship, we don't have much money but we could make it work. There's still so much I would like to do in terms of going on holiday more places and buying a house together before welcoming a little one into the world, but I find that I'm thinking about babies and wanting one of my own all the time. My boyfriend would like us to start a family when I'm 32/33 as we'll have a bit more money by then and hopefully a home of our own. But I can't stop thinking about it, everyone around me is getting married or having babies...Any thoughts or advice much appreciated.
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (9 August 2019):
 I will agree with the counseling. People might BELIEVE that having an abortion is no big deal, but it is.
It might not have hit you until now, and that is how it goes.
However, this is also a YOU CAN'T CHANGE the past. All you can do is accept it and live with it.
Getting pregnant will NOT erase the past, the new pregnancy will not replace the old.
Your BF is hurting too but not in the same way. He is trying to be practical and SMART about things.
WAIT to have kids for when you CAN actually take care of them right. You don't NEED to OWN a house before you have kids, but you DO need to be able to take care of them, feed them, house them, clothes them, love them.
And THAT takes money. It takes TWO, preferably.
Don't try and rush this. You really don't want to be in the position where you GET pregnant and CAN'T take care of this child. SO be smart. Not just for YOUR sake, your partner's sake but for your kid's sake too.
And I know in this day and age marriage doesn't seem so important. But I DO believe kids NEED to parents who are committed to not only making a child but RAISING the child. Not for a couple of years but to adulthood. Having a child is NOT like getting a pet, it's SO much more. Which is why WE as human being NEED to do our VERY best in PICKING a good partner.
A
female
reader, KeW +, writes (9 August 2019):
 Hello OP,
This regret seems more like biological clock fears than genuine regret of making what was the right decision for you both at the time. It would have put a lot of strain on your relationship and you would probably have found yourself a single mother.
If possible, try to separate that decision from your broodiness now and seek therapy if you’re struggling with your decision 8 months ago.
Your boyfriend sounds very sensible and I think you’ve got a good plan agreed on. Plenty of women are having children at 35 - 40, so you may not need to worry about your biological clock at all. Unless you have fertility challenges, you have time.
It’s hard to avoid comparing ourselves to others. It’s something many of us face when we’re anywhere from 21 - 41 and people are making milestones were yet to make - but everyone’s lives move at different speeds and you’d be in a better position to enjoy parenthood when you don’t have to just about scrape by, have your own place and perhaps are engaged or married to this man.
Even past 41, some people manage to retire early and we feel stressed that we’re decades away from retiring or when we watch house-finding tv shows and someone has £600k+ to spend, while we barely have £200k in this economy.
I believe you may not actually regret your choice, as it was best back then and possibly for now, but you feel a pressure to fit other people’s timelines and you’re projecting that on to your abortion.
Whilst we can’t guarantee what our lives will be like or who we’ll be with in a few years, we are generally better equipped for the ups and downs of parenthood when we’ve worked towards being more secure first. If you can, set manageable goals that you can use to motivate you towards having a baby in a few years.
If you rush it, you may find yourself struggling with the challenges for longer (like many who are not financially secure when they have a baby and they have to live week to week for over a decade trying to improve their situation) and possibly putting too much strain on your relationship.
Seek therapy if you find yourself unable to manage your feelings on your own - it may be helpful.
Best of luck!
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (9 August 2019):
 I think your boyfriend is being very sensible. Your relationship is still quite new. In another 3 or 4 years time, you will have got to know each other a lot better and, hopefully, your relationship will be a lot stronger.
Babies are wonderful but they can put enormous pressure on a relationship, emotionally, physically and financially.
Perhaps you could compromise and agree a slightly earlier date to try for another baby, perhaps in a couple of years?
Did you get counselling when you terminated your pregnancy? It not, it is not too late to go to your doctor and explain you feel you need some now.
Good luck.
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