A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi there. I wonder if anyone can give me some advice. I have wonderful and supportive husband who would do anything for me. I love him dearly. Recently I have lost a very close family relative and it has really shaken me up. I seem to have gone off sex at the moment. I feel sort of numb emotionally a lot of the time and just do not feel in the mood for sex. I know my husband is really missing the intimacy and I feel like I am pushing him away. He always wants to hold me and cuddle me, which in itself I don't mind, but then he often tries to go further and I have to tell him to stop. This is leading me to be reluctant even to snuggle up to him in bed. I don't know what's wrong with me but I just can't force myself to want to have sex. At the same time I hate hurting my husband. If I say no to him he doesn't mind, but I sort of get the feeling he is getting mildly impatient. My relative only died about 2 weeks ago. I am also generally a bit miserable at the moment because all my family lives hundreds of miles away. I suppose I would really like to know if it's normal to feel like this or perhaps if I should just go along with my husband to keep him happy? Thank you very much for any thoughts.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2009): Thanks very much for all your advice aunties. I am very grateful, and also glad to know that I am not too abnormal! I am always very conscious not to give mixed signals, although he often says things like "oh, can we just have a nice cuddle," and I feel bad saying no although at the back of my mind I know he wants more. I have sat him down and explained why I am feeling like this at the moment, as you have suggested, but perhaps I need to be a bit more explicit: I think maybe I need to make it clearer that when I say I need some time to get over all this that it doesn't just mean 24 hours, although it will pass in time. Thanks again everyone!
A
female
reader, unknown71121 +, writes (16 September 2009):
Hello
Dont feel bad; there is nothing wrong with you. This is normal. I think it would not be normal if you didnt show any emotion about a relative passing away.
Your partner needs to definetly be more understanding and that sex isnt the most important thing at this particular time; well when is it actually. Try to keep good communication with your partner so he can understand where your coming from. If your not talking to him about how you feel, he will most likely get impatient as for he doesn't know.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (16 September 2009):
 Recovering from bereavement is like recovering from a wound or illness. At first it is all consuming and knocks you off your feet but slowly it begins to hurt a little less each day and your life returns to normal. In this period of recovery it is crucial to have loving and understanding support. Your husband may not completely understand how you are feeling inside and even though his instinct is to fix things for you he may not be able to identify the kind of support you need.
The key is to communicate. Sit him down and explain as calmly as you can why you are feeling as you do. Explain to him that it is most likely a tempory thing and doesn't affect how much you love and care for him. Men, generally don't like being faced with problems they cannot instantly fix. It's not like you broke the dishwasher and he can come to the rescue with a screwdriver!!! This is an emotional issue that is affecting him (his sex life) and if he gets no real explaination or at least the knowledge that it won't last forever, he's going to become frustrated and bewildered.
Your in a state of confusion yourself but you know enough to know what is happening is causing tension.
Two weeks from the sad event is still very early days. You need his love and support...and his hugs and cuddles, but try not to give him mixed signals.
Tell him your grief will pass and your sex life will return. If you were recovering from a serious illness or injury, he would understand completely why sex is witheld, but your suffering from an invisible 'wound' that also needs healing time. Tell him the process is the same and it's just a matter of time.
Just talk to him!
May your worries pass quickly and love returned xxx
Aunty Em xxx
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A
female
reader, Jayney Y +, writes (16 September 2009):
 Hi,
What you're experiencing is perfectly normal. You are going through an extremely stressful moment and there's nothing like stress to take away sexual feelings. I would talk to your husband and try to explain this to him, and make sure you tell him that it is nothing at all to do with your normal relationship. Your husband maybe needs to be a little bit more supportive and understanding and put his needs on hold for the moment, your feelings are more important at this time. It will probably take a couple of months for you to stop feeling that way. Then everything will go back to normal as long as you don't feel pressured to pretend you 're wild for sex when you're not. :)
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