A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Ok. Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeease someone help me. I desperately need advice, help and some perspective. I got married last month. Before we married, my husband and I were seeing each other for little over a year. My husband is younger than I am. He is 25. My husband was in a live-in relship with a woman lot older then he is. They gave up their relship because he couldn't convince his family to agree for him to marry her. I know he loved her very much. My husband and I met a few months after he had broken up with his ex. The two of them kept in touch even after we started seeing each other. He always maintained that they were very good friends. I was totally ok with his explanation and had no problem with him talking to her or even going out with her (in a group) etc. He would occasionally even sleep at her place. I later found out that they were still not over with their relship. He still had feelings for her, was dependent on her, they would still fight about their relship. She would say nasty things about me and he would let her. I was shocked to find out that he had discussed intimate details about us with her and told her very private things about my past. And she told a whole bunch of people in the office we work in. Needless to say, I was devastated and very hurt. The first time this came out in the open, he was very sorry and told me he would not keep in touch with her. But he lied. He was in touch with her and kept lying to me. I found out 1 year into our relship that when we started seeing each other, he still needed her to a great extent.. he was constantly trying to please her by dumping plans with me to spend time with her, tell her things about us (him and me) to make her feel better. I don’t understand. Why???? When I ask him he says he felt guilty for dumping her and somehow tried to make up for it. All this while I was NOT aware of any contact b/w them. He told me they weren’t in touch. The whole thing has hurt me very very much and I am finding it impossible to forget all these things and forgive my husband. I feel cheated. I don’t like the fact that I was just a f--k to him when we were going out. He always told me he loved me, and I believed him without an iota of doubt. But now its clear, that’s not how it was for him and he was playing me along. He was emotionally attached to another woman and I was there as an extra. That according to me is unacceptable. If I’d have known about his feelings for her, I would have had nothing to do with him. I know their relationship was definitely over, they weren’t looking to resolve their problems and reconcile. But I still think it was very wrong on his part to have kept me in the dark. My husband and the ex are not in touch anymore. And we are married now!!! He had to fight a lot with his parents to convince them to agree for our marriage. He stood his ground and stood up for me, which I appreciate very much. But I still can’t forgive him! I feel cheated, deceived.. My husband and I are drifting apart every minute. I am beginning to feel this marriage is a big mistake. I am so disappointed in myself and what I have turned into. My anger gets the best of me and I the next thing I know I am yelling and abusing in the a manner that is completely unpardonable. I just don’t know what to do about my marriage. I can’t even look at my husband. What is wrong with me? Am I over reacting? Should I be glad that it is all over? There is nothing with the ex anymore. They don't even greet each other when they cross paths. What should I do about my marriage?
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female
reader, Brigid  +, writes (17 June 2008):
You are not over-reacting. I would probably have left him the moment that I found out about the ex. When you say that his parents wouldn't let him marry - in what way could they stop him or even feel that they had any say in the matter?I'm afraid that your husband sounds a bit spineless to say the least!What he did to you, lying and effectually cheating on you, whilst divulging intimate secrets is fairly unforgiveable. If you really want to save this marriage then you are going to have to seek professional help in the form of counselling. He needs to see how much his behaviour hurt you and that it really was a disgraceful and cowardly way to behave. You need to be able to feel that having made him see how much he hurt you that you can then get past that and move on.I have to say that I don't know that I could, but it is your marriage and only you and your husband know whether it really is worth the hard work it is going to take to save it.
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