A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello.I'm a 24 year old businesswoman and my husband is 26. Our sex life has become non-existent lately - every attempt I made to seduce him was refused, even when I wore sexy lingerie (which he used to love!)I recently found out he'd been looking at pictures of "tgirls" on www.flickr.com. Apparently "tgirl"s are transsexual women (either pre- or post-op, from what I've heard).I just don't understand what he gets from looking at them when he has me instead - I've tried to have sex with him, and he continually refuses every single advance and it makes me feel lonely and unwanted.I've tried and tried asking my husband what he gets from looking at these photos of the "tgirls" on flickr.com, but said "It's my private life!! PRIVATE, DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND!" and refused to discuss it further with me.How do I resolve this situation?? No matter how many times I bring up the issue, he will not discuss it with me, in fact not at all. I've tried everything and am at my wits end. I'm getting stressed out by the whole situation.Please help me, Michellex
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female
reader, susan miller  +, writes (1 September 2009):
Hi Michelle,I just thought I would give you some information from the other side. I am a Cross-dresser (T-girl) or however you want to call it. Now just some background on cross-dressers and myself. I am 45 and have been dressing sense I was 8 or 9. As I have gotten older the desire to dress has become stronger. A few things I have learned over the years are that most cross-dressers are heterosexual like me and have no desire to change their sex and become female. Now you also have to realize that the cross-dressers you see in public are more likely to be more on the bisexual or transsexual. The reason for this is most cross-dressers are more in the closet and don’t go out. It took me years to work up the courage to go out as we are not really accepted. Another fact is that on average 25% of men are want to cross-dress and at some point will, may just be wearing a pair of woman’s panties or nylons that is 1 in 4 men a huge number. Now this is a scary thing for a man and not something he will want to talk about or share. I myself have never told anyone and I have a lot of t-girl friend (ranging from your average cross-dresser to transitioning transsexuals) that I go out with regularly now. I think the reason I have never told is once you tell one person you no longer have control over who finds out. Now I also like checking out t-girl sights on the internet. There are a few reasons I do and it may sound strange but none are sexual. The first reason is I am always looking to improve how I look and looking at other cross-dressers give me ideas on how to do my makeup and clothes. I can get the same thing to a point by looking at real woman but as there are size and facial shape differences it is better to look at t-girls. Also I enjoy looking at pretty woman (real or not). Over the years I have gotten better at portraying myself as Susan and that is what it is all about. The last reason is friendship, this is a very hard thing for any man so we search out others like us and the internet is great for that.Now I have had several serious relationships woman but never was able to tell any of them about my female side. When I got real serious with them I would stop dressing or cut way back on it but I always wondered if they would be able to tell. Maybe I missed a little makeup and they might notice.Now for a few thoughts on how to go forward, the biggest fear is being found out so sense you know I would encourage you not to tell anyone about this unless he is okay with who you tell. Next is what you are comfortable with? Is this something you can live with and if so do you want to be a part of it? I have one friend that her wife not only knows but helps her dress and goes out with her. Another has set limits on her, how often she can dress and where she can go. Once you have decided where you stand you need to let him know. Once he knows how you feel and that you won’t tell people he may be more likely to talk to you about it. You both need to be honest with each other and find out where he stands on it and be sure and let him know where you stand.There is all kinds of information on the internet about t-girls and cross-dressing and all you have to do is search for it. I hope this helps and just remember that just liking looking at t-girl web pages or even cross-dressing does not mean you are attracted to them or want to be a woman. I just find it relaxing and a way to relieve stress, I get to be someone else for a while what could be better.Susan
A
female
reader, chicken licken +, writes (5 September 2008):
hi,
I can relate to you on your situation , I discovered my partner also looked regularly at tgirl porn and was also a member of various sites, and would swop erotic pics etc. I found he also cross-dressed, Im assuming your partner is just an 'admirer' as they call them and dosnt dress himself?
I don't think I can find the words to describe the overwhelming pain and shock
on my discovery of my partners secret internet life and his dressing, The questions that go round in your head and the self torture i something I dont wish on anyone.
In my case our sex lives were fine and our relationship up until that day had been blemish free and somewhat perfect, and I belive for that reason we were able to get over this and rebuild that trust and put my insecuritys to rest they do pop up though still here and there , Im not saying its been easy.
My partner was highly embarrassed about me discovering him likening tgirls and he also had felt guilty or years about looking at tgirls thinking there must be something wrong with him because he is very much.
mabey your partner is also not comfortable with you knowing his like for hetro tgirls as generally society its still a bit taboo about it, and men especially are bad at having there masculinity questioned... he might feel that you now look at him as less of a man now, this may be adding to the lack of sex. he may even have a little problem in that department an unable to perform, its not unheard of for men to be very attracted to there partner sexually and yet can get an erection but yet manage to get erect by something else and are too embarrassed to tell anyone.
He needs to speak to you about it, even if he dosnt understand it himself and to be honest he is being very selfish by not even if its hard for him but you also must be approachable enough to allow him to talk to you and no matter how angry or frustrated by it your going to have to bite your tounge and be very calm and you need to tell him that his looking at tgirl porn and lack of interest in you is making you feel insecure and inadequate and also make it clear you love him and hurting and need to know that he loves you still .
there is that possibility that he is wanting to act on his like for tgirls and take it a step further opening up a whole new can of worms......... But there's nothing to say he isnt completley heterosexual as fantasys are something we all have and would not necessarily want act upon even if given the opportunity, and they can be about almost anything with no rhyme or reason for why,
Apart from the help for just partners online its worth looking directly to tgirl advice sites and communitys, and learning about the world is very helpful for understanding it too and helping you regain control over your own mind about this and your relationship. maybe join up on tvchix.com , they have a forum for partners , most are with cd's but there is a lot of admirers who use the site too and would prove very useful in helping you understand how and why they like tgirls and theres a few yahoo groups too, for partners.
I wish you luck and hope you feel some resolve soon x
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2008): Well hon, if it was only a fetish, it would actually stimulate into having sex with you more & more. Seeing as how he is neglecting you like most men are to thier wives now a days, he might be interested in male genitals now & has given up on females. It's sad, but the real men in this country are single & because of situations like this, we can't figure out why.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2008): well i think it could be just a fetish or he is "Bi" do yu still have sex or not if no sex he may be gay nd not out of the closet yet sry to say it babey but this is the world in which we live in , but maybe just fetish
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2008): I wasn't talking to you anonymous - I was talking about website that the poster keeps mentioning... Over and over again.
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A
male
reader, oldfool  +, writes (7 May 2008):
 Anonymous, I think Leanna was suggesting that poster was spamming by making the constant references to tgirls on flicker.com.
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A
male
reader, oldfool +, writes (7 May 2008):
I've never been in a situation like this so I can only suggest the following:
The problem here is not his looking at tgirls. It's the fact that he's refusing to have sex with you.
Sure, the tgirls may have something to do with it (on the other hand, they may not), but dragging this in only puts his back up and complicates the issue. If he was having sex with you, the tgirls wouldn't be a problem, right?
So forget the tgirls part, you've got to find out why he's not having sex with you. What he may need more now is a patient friend than a judgemental wife. Whatever he tells you, you have to make it clear you won't get upset, even if he comes out with a bombshell. If he refuses to talk you might have to consider other options, like counselling.
Hope this help a little.
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A
male
reader, WastedLife +, writes (7 May 2008):
This marriage may have no solution - a sad possibility. Relationship counseling for YOU may help you find where you really stand though. Don't spend too much time or money on it - just get to the place that you are capable of knowing yourself and your desires. What do you wish to do if NOTHING changes? That's a good place to start. Let him know that you need to address this honestly or you must leave-as in separate and divorce. Do you have any kids? You two are young and if this can't be dealt with, you are better off separating and getting on with your lives. That dose of reality may get him moving on a solution, or if not, then you can get moving.
Good luck, and my sympathies.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2008): Go look at the websites before you judge. Post back here with your review and tell me if they are commercial. They are not. They are a very helpful resource for people in these circumstances.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2008): There's really no need to keep mentioning the website - sounds like an advert for the site to me.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2008): Go to straightspouse.org for very helpful links to support groups. Also www.voy.com/86426/ is a discussion board for people in similar circumstances. Sorry to hear your situation, but you are not alone.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2008): ----
Jen86 posted:
relate councelling may help. Get some new underwear or try something new with him. If he has a fantasy that ur prepared to fulfil for him try that. Next time u see him looking at these pics, sit on the desk in front of him between him and the moniter naked.
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I tried that but it just didn't work. He's still refusing to have sex with me and refusing to discuss the issue, and continually looking at pictures of "tgirl"s on the internet, both at flickr.com and on the internet in general.
I don't know how to resolve this, and I'm getting even more stressed.
Michelle
x
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A
female
reader, snazzy yaz +, writes (6 May 2008):
 hi. eventhough i'm 16 i understand that ur stressed but looking at pictures of anykind is normal. it is a fantasy and he still loves you. all guy's like to look at pictures.
try to relax and not mention it for a while. it is a phase that will soon pass if not he will tlk to u about it. i'm sure ur a lovely lady. so dont fret. u'll sort it out. hope this helps.
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