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*enuineGuy
writes:Hi All,Hope some of you can find a bit of time to help with this cos it is killing me at the moment.I've been married for 7 years now, known my wife 15 years and have two kids 4 and 6. My kids are the light of my life. I'd like to say happily married but that isn't really true. We don't agree on much and seem to value different things.The situation has been getting worse and now seems to have reached a point where something needs to change. I think this now because sex has become a thing of the past, i.e. several years (despite my making various attempts in various ways) I have asked to spend time talking with my wife about things but she just refuses to talk or even to agree to a time when we can sit and talk.I may be misinterpreting things but it does seem like she is lining me up to leave to avoid having to do it herself and so she can then blame me for it.I've been asking for a lot of advice lately and my close friends do seem to make me think that the situation isn't normal.To cap this off my misery has now been confounded by me falling somewhat in love with another girl. Shes a close friend of mine and does not know about this ( I hope) as I do not want to spoil our friendship. I have always been fond of her but only developed this feeling recently despite having known her for 4 years. I know this is probably a result of my loneliness etc but I can't help it.I am not a cheater and want to resolve things before I decide to take it any further if at all possible. Unfortunately I may be too chicken to carry that out!Having read some posts I am dreading the expected 'marriage isn't easy' stuff but faced with the brick wall of my wife how do I try to even start to fix it. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2006): Marriage counselling and family counselling. Set those in place ASAP.
Pick up two books and read them, together.
1) Stephen R. Covey's The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Families.
2) "Between Two Worlds~The Inner Lives of Children of Divorce" Based upon pioneering new national study, by Elizabeth Marquardt
Patience, long suffering, sacrifice, forgiving, listening, understanding, affection, giving thanks, helping out around the house, compliments, dating the wife...will all turn things around.
Make a date night where you and wife go out and spend time with one another having fun and do not discuss work, the children, or marital concerns...just have fun and re-discover one another.
Maybe look into some couple's classes where you learn some asian cooking or how to decorate cakes. Maybe take scuba diving classes together, ballroom dancing??
Learing and growing together sounds needed.
Take care.
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male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (6 September 2006):
 Right. I am going to recommend that you set your emotions aside for now and think about your children and your inner voice.
You have been thinking deeply about this growing problem in your marriage and I really commend you for NOT acting on your emotions.
It takes hard work from both partners to create a successful marriage. There is a reason why your wife appears to have stopped working on it, and she has to acknowledge it openly before any progress can be made.
Getting back to your children, they are already suffering because of this problem. You and your wife may not recognize it, but kids (regardless of age) can pick up on the discord. Expending emotional effort on addressing what you are lacking takes away from the emotional needs of your growing children.
The two of you will poison your children's safe and secure home until you confront the problems in your marriage head on. It is unlikely that the status quo will provide an environment where your kids feel safe and loved.
I know enough about your situation to tell you NOT to act upon the feelings you have for your friend. Your feelings for her result from your overwhelming need to escape from this unhappy situation. For the sake of your children, don't chicken out and escape. Do confront your wife and be prepared to move out, with or without the children.
Good luck and take care.
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A
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reader, GenuineGuy +, writes (6 September 2006):
GenuineGuy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt tricky to be honest here even with myself.I do think we have grown apart. Honestly we were never that in touch in the first place, it just kind of went along.I have been trying various things as were suggested over the last few years. I don't know at what point to stop and give up and say I tried.Right now I'm so infatuated with my friend that all I want to do is poor my heart out to her. But I'm scared of what will happen. If she is up for it I'd have to make a decision. If she isn't I'll be miserable and may lose a good friend.I could make some progress if my wife would actually talk. Maybe she feels the same. I suspect she does. She will not talk though. Feel like a lodger.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2006): The first thing you should ask you self is do you want to make the relationship work with your wife or have you grown appart? and the second question is what has kept you together for so long?
If you do want to make the relationship work, i would suggest that you try to book a weekend break away, organise it without her knowing and make arrangements for the children to be looked after so there is literally nothing that she has to do other than pack a weekend bag and get in the car/on the plane. Make her feel special, and then discuss your feelings with her tell her that you've noticed things aren't right and that you love her and want to put thing right. She may be suffering from insecurities and crave attention from you as your wife/lover as opposed to just the mother of your children.
If you feel that you have both grown too far apart to work at the problem then you need to be honest, firstly with yourself and then with her. Dont stay in a relationship for the the sake of the children, children are more adaptable than we give them credit for and you'd be suprised how quickly they can adapt to change.
I suspect your feelings towards your female friend are as you say as a result of your lonliness and your own craving for attention. Be careful not to mistake your true feelings for a quick fix.
Right now you need to be honest with yourself first and foremost about what you want and then speak with your wife, not only is she your wife and mother of your children but at one point she was your best friend if not still is!
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