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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: Modnote: please advise your country too, as it will= more culturally appropriate advice.Some countries have better support resources than other countries - available to a woman facing your issues..... ..... ..... ..... ..... .... ....... ..... ... .....I am desperately sad. I want to leave my husband but he just won't let me go. We've been together for almost 11 years, married for 10 months. I didn;t want to get married. The relationship died for me almost two years ago and since then I have been holding it together for the sake of our two beautfiful children. He emotionally blackmailed me into marrying him, or i allowed him to. I think he knew the relationship was over for me and so he decided to 'surprise' me by booking us to get married without talking to me about it first. He claimed this was a romantic gesture (and maybe it was) but deep down I knew that it was beause he felt he was losing his grip on me. I hate myself for being gutless and going through with it, but he told our kids and they were over the moon. i just couldn't hurt them, or him really. I was too scared to admit the truth about how i felt, as much to myself as anyone else. We've had our problems like most couples over the years. I don't really know exactly how or why it died for me, but it has, and I've spent two years trying to convince myself it is just a phase and that it will come bback. It hasn't. I have emotinally flatlined. we have a great life;beautiful kids a nice home and we both work hard. He is an amazing father and he loves me. But I know that dee down he would like me to be a different person. I think he want sme to be a more conventional wife and mother and i just can't be what I'm not. I'm a dancer and a writer and work in a creative environment. I am social, he's not so much. I like to have fun and enjoy life, the glass is always half full, where as his is half empty. I feel like I've never really made the grade for him and his expectations, and he is extremely jealous and controlling emotionally. I have got to a int in my life where I feel I am not getting younger; I want to do so many things, as well as be a good mother. He thinks this shoud be enough for me. My children are everything to me, but I am unhappy. I have told him how I feel and he was extremely upset, which upset me of course. I don't want to hurt anyone. He is refusing to accept how I feel and is crying all the time, which makes me feel so terribe. He wants us to try again, but I feel like it would be running back into the fire when there's nothing left to save. It has just died for me, though I still care about him very very much, which is why it's so difficult. And then theres our children. I am desperate not to hurt them, and of course, us splitting would hurt them. He is very close to our eldest son, does everything with him. I feel like it would break his heart. Then there is the practical side of things. We're mortgaged up to the eyes and althugh I work, I don't earn enough money to support myself, provide a roof over our heads and live. I feel trapped, and very sad. My mother thinks it would be a mistake to leave him and that I should just settle for the sake of the children and our lifestyle. and for the ast two years I have done. But I have reached a ont where I am so emotionally baron that I am not sure I will ever feel anything again. Just bereft. I have been to see a counsellor. It helped but ultimately it cannot solve all my problems. I ask myself every day why this has happened. Why have I fallen out of love with him. Did i ever truly love him? Would I be happier alone? Or would it be a terrible mistake? On paper I have everything and should be happy. I am worried it may be a problem in me. Sexually I do not want to be with him. It's emotioally pianful to have sex with him, silent tears in the darkness. In the past he has emotionally blackmailed me into it by sulking, or even having a go at me if I wouldn't go to tbed with him. For now though he has left me alone.He tells me he really really loves me and that he knows he never wants to be with anyone else. That I am his life, his everything, and that he adores me. I believe him. But I cannot seem to feel the same. The guilt I would feel at hurting him and my children scares me. I know it would crush me to hurt them, but I cannot see any other solution, or maybe I don't want to.I have been faking my feelings for two years, maybe more and now I feel I have to be honest with myself because it has made me ill and depressed. Just telling him how I felt was a relief. I could hardly believe i was saying it. He says he will never let me go and this makes my heart feel heavy. I wish he would just let me go. Even if It was a mistae, at least it would be my mistake. But it is not just my feelings at stake. If we didn;t have children I would've gone two years ago. Your thoughts and advice are much apreciated.
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female
reader, laney  +, writes (10 June 2013):
I really feel for you. Only advice i would give is that in the end we are all our own person and we cannot and should not live our life based on other peoples feelings. Its not fair on anyone.you deserve happiness and to feel love and to be truly in love as does your husband. And kids are much stronger than we give them credit for. And they will adapt to anything in time. We only get one life and we have to live it for ourselves.
A
female
reader, shrodingerscat  +, writes (10 June 2013):
 If your daughter came to you and told you what you've told us, what would you say to her? How would that make you feel?As a parent, you provide examples of what "Normal" relationships look like for your children. If you continue with this, you will show your children that having a "nice house" and not wanting for material things is more important than an honest heart, real love or a true happy relationship.They will grow up and emulate that. They will in turn have unhappy relationships where THINGS are more important than FEELINGS.Do you want that for them? If not, you know exactly what you need to do. Take your things, move out, seek a divorce, and get a small apartment in a neighborhood you can afford. No, you won't have a nice house anymore, and you may have to skip on a few luxuries, but truly, not being trapped in a relationship that is slowly making you whither away into an empty husk is worth not being able to have a nice house or go shopping all the time anymore.You have a choice. You do not have to stay married to him, you are a grown woman in control of your own life and your own choices. Take control of your life and do what's best for you. Yes, it will hurt your children somewhat, but in the end, it will hurt them MORE to see their mother waste away in an unhappy and painful marriage.
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