A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi all, and thanks in advance for any advice you can give me. I have been with my boyfriend for over a year and we are generally very happy. In general, it is a perfect relationship. Unfortunately, recently I found out that he slept with someone else at the very beginning of our relationship. Now I know that people are split over this sort of thing but I genuinely feel like he knows that he made a mistake, he accepts responsibility and seems to be truly remorseful and willing to do anything to try and work this out. The trouble that I am having is I am stuck in this weird place where half the time I have forgiven him and half the time I'm so so angry. At the time that he slept with this girl I believed that we had something great, which we do but now it feels like it's tainted with this false start full of lies.I really want to forgive him and move on but I can't trust him any more. I had asked him several times whether something had happened with this girl, because I just had this feeling, and he denied it. He's been lying for our entire relationship. I found out about a month ago and can't seem to forget about it but I don't want my relationship to be over. I feel inadequate and stupid. So sorry if that's a bit long. Basically I just need some advice. Do you think I will get over it? Is there anything I can do to stop obsessing over it? Or should I not have forgiven him? Please help me, I'd appreciate it so much. Thanks!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2012): He is a liar and a cheat. That would be a deal breaker.
You will always be left wondering if he is cheating again and you will never be able to trust him and you will always wonder if he is lying.
If he has lied about cheating, what else has he lied to you about during your relationship. I bet it much more than that. You'll never know if he is telling you the truth.
I would move on. There are plenty of men that would not cheat and that would treat you with the respect that you deserve.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2012): Hi, thanks so much for taking the time to answer my question. You're answers have been really helpful to me. We have had a few discussions about how I feel about it but mainly I've been working through my own emotions alone because I don't want to hold it over him. So it's great to hear that I'm going about it the right way. It's just frustrating as I also can't talk to my friends about it as I'm worried they will just forcefully tell me to leave him.
I found out because I just randomly asked him again and it all came out. It seems he had been waiting for an opportunity to own up for awhile. He has described it as a cloud hanging over our future together.
It happened during the first month of being together officially but we had been dating awhile. She came back from Uni to stay with him at break for a week. He'd arranged for her to stay before we were together and the whole situation was pretty awkward. During this time I didn't see him which was fine. But he text and bothered with me a lot less and was generally evasive about anything to do with her. I said to him when she left that if something went on he needed to tell me about it but he denied.
Mono summed it up perfectly when he said "he allowed you to fall in love with a lie". That's exactly what he did and he's even admitted that he wanted to wait until I was committed to him to tell me as he really didn't want us to be over. Which is the stupidest thing ever as now I just feel tricked and lied to.
Overall, he's a great partner and we have a lot of fun, happiness and affection in our relationship. I think that we are both quite honest and open with each other and I know for a fact that he doesn't flirt with other women or pursue anyone else. He seems extremely committed to us and says he is so angry at himself for what he did before he was in love with me.
How do you stop thinking about all the memories you built your relationship on being ruined by lies? Or stop comparing yourself to another person? I keep thinking I wasn't enough for him then so I'll never be enough for him now. He was so reassuring that this is not the case but I can't escape it.
I guess I'll just have to keep thinking about it until I know for definite whether I can put it behind me or I have to break up with him. Any further advice would be much appreciated. Thanks for all the help!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2012): This exact thing happened to my husband and I. He slept with someone in month 2 of us knowing each other. Can you give us more details - When, why, etc...
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2012): i've been in your shoes before and being cheated on is a really awful feeling. a lot of people aren't strong enough to work through it, but those who are, sometimes can make their relationship stronger on the other side.one thing i do know is that if you do choose to forgive him, you MUST put it behind you. this means not bringing it up and holding it over his head every time you have a disagreement or using it against him whenever it's convenient. when you choose to forgive someone for cheating, you are signing up for completely moving on from it together and not looking back - which is very difficult. this back and forth in your head stuff you speak of can't happen. it's not your fault for feeling it. not at all. but that's just the way it goes with situations of cheating. you pick a side of the fence, and stay there. if you don't think you can get over it, then you need to do yourself as well as your boyfriend a favor and move on. because you're just going to make yourselves miserable. i hope this helped a little. best of luck.
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A
male
reader, eddie85  +, writes (30 November 2012):
 You don't really mention how early you were in the relationship when he strayed. The reason why I question this is because if you weren't in a committed relationship then he had every right to sleep with another woman. While it doesn't speak much to his character, it technically wasn't cheating.
Assuming you were in a committed and exclusive relationship, I think you need to give yourself some time to figure out what type of man your boyfriend truly is. This isn't something you discover over night, but this could be a deal breaker. What you thought was a perfect relationship may be less so, especially for him.
I would encourage you to take some time and allow the dust to settle. Realize that usually, the pain of cheating never goes away completely. There is always going to be a lingering doubt but it does get a little easier to deal with as time goes on and the trust gets built up again.
No one here can truly tell you what you should do. There are some many things that you must consider: the character of your boyfriend, the circumstances of his betrayal, and what he is acting like today. Hopefully you take in the entire picture and figure out what YOU can live with before you make a decision and do realize that the indecision you are going through is part of the healing process.
Eddie
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2012): the choice of what you do in the end but you have to think closely on the out come of your decision. 1. if you forgive him . you cant keep bring it up, or getting tormented over it. you have to think that most guys dont go into relationships being 100% in love with you. maybe back then he never imagined you to would last as long as you did, but now he has come to truely love, or esle he wouldnt have stayed around this long . or 2. if you cant forgive and forget then its best that you end the relationship now . trust is the root of love and with out it youll both end up hurt.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2012): I think you can do better than him. It's no good that he lied to you. You'll find it hard to trust him again. How did you find out in the end? Did he still deny it or was there no way out. I'm sorry I really feel for you.
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