A
female
age
30-35,
*nnon2011
writes:okay. here it goes.i'm an eighteen-year-old female.when i was a freshman in high school, i developed this horrible, unreciprocated crush on this older guy, a bass player i knew. it was one of those butterflies-in-the-stomach, obsessively-checking-my-phone, classic crush kind of situations, and it lasted for about a year. i was completely infatuated and physically attracted. i couldn't eat or sleep and i thought about him all the time. we flirted a little, but he was never serious about me and we never dated. in retrospect, the guy wasn't that great, but i'll never forget how amazing and intense it felt just to be around him at the time.since then, i don't think i have felt that way about anyone. i've dated a few guys, but nothing serious. i will start to like a boy, but once he asks me out i begin to quickly lose any desire to be with him. for example, my latest "relationship" : there is this boy that my friends have swooned over for years, a member of a popular indie band in our area. we've been friendly for a long time, but recently he's made it clear that he likes me. we even hung out... it was definitely a date. my friends would've killed to switch places with me. i enjoyed it, but suddenly i feel like i don't want to see him again. i become so cold and distant once a boy wants to be with me. i can feel myself doing it, but i can't help it. i guess it is the idea of commitment that scares me, or maybe just the emotional intimacy. i've always been a fiercely independent and somewhat private person. but i'm confident in general; i've grown out of most of my old high school inhibitions. i don't know what's wrong with me. i want to like this boy. he's cute and nice. but i just don't feel it anymore. maybe the chemistry truly isn't right, but i can't help but wonder if i feel this way because i'm scared. in any case, he wants to see me again, and i'm not sure what to do, as always.i'm not someone who needs to be in a relationship to be happy. but i desire that intimacy and commitment until i have a chance to get it.i never ask questions online. but please, if you have any insight into this, let me know. i hope there are others that are going through something similar.
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reader, CharmmyKitty +, writes (8 August 2008):
 I think you're spot on. Sometimes we really just want the thrill of the chase. Like those stuffed animal catcher machines... you pump in cash trying to get a certain toy when you could just as easily go to the store and buy something similar for a fraction of the cost. You play for the game, not the prize.I think all young girls experience that hopless crush at least once. When I was in highschool, I spent my sophmore and junior year COMPLETELY infactuated with this kid that I never even spoke to. The quality of my days were measured by how many times I passed him in the halls. And just like you, when I ran into him years later, I found myself thinking 'Really? THATS what I wanted so bad?' When you're younger, you dream about relationships and all that, but it doesn't necessarily mean you're ready for it.So maybe we chase these 'out of reach' guys as a subconscious way to protect ourselves. I'm having trouble articulating exactly what I mean, but hopefully you get my point.I once heard someone equate it to a dog chasing a car. The dog chases the car with all he has, but if the car were to suddenly stop, he wouldn't know what to do with it!I can see how you miss that feeling, but I doubt you'll ever feel that way again. As we mature, things like that are going to lose their 'magic.' Like Christmas will never be as exciting as when you were 8 years old, y'know?I'm 22 now, and I've never felt that blind 'passion' for anyone else... but it gets better. When you're ready to let someone in, the saftey and comfort you feel with someone that really cares about you is way better than unrequited infactuation.This guy that you've met seems like a good kid, but you can't force it. Put your expectations aside, and if you really don't feel any potential there, it's no big deal. It'll happen when it's right for you. Just don't hold those old feelings as a standard.
A
female
reader, Mushgirl  +, writes (8 August 2008):
 I was recently thinking exactly the same thing. When I was 15 I got a similarly unreciprocated, over-infatuated crush on an older guy (who also happened to be a bass player?!) and, like you, in hindsight now wonder what I saw in him. Back then I wasn't generally thought of as 'hot stuff', but in the last year or two I have a lot of guys asking me out - but I never feel the same burning desire that I did once. I am now with a guy who I love to pieces, who I care about much more than I ever cared about the bass player, but although I want to, I hardly ever feel so helplessly obsessed in the same way. And I think it's purely down to the fact that my boyfriend shares my feelings. If we weren't together, I would no doubt spend every waking moment pining after him. But as we are, I don't need to.
I think it's to do with the whole wanting-what-you-know-you'll-never-have syndrome. You know you can have this lad if you want, so instantly he's not as attractive - it's no challenge.
But I was wondering the same thing myself - does that burning desire only happen once or twice, and only when you're a hormonal teen? Could some older experienced person give us an idea? :)
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A
female
reader, Mushgirl +, writes (8 August 2008):
I was recently thinking exactly the same thing. When I was 15 I got a similarly unreciprocated, over-infatuated crush on an older guy (who also happened to be a bass player?!) and, like you, in hindsight now wonder what I saw in him. Back then I wasn't generally thought of as 'hot stuff', but in the last year or two I have a lot of guys asking me out - but I never feel the same burning desire that I did once. I am now with a guy who I love to pieces, who I care about much more than I ever cared about the bass player, but although I want to, I hardly ever feel so helplessly obsessed in the same way. And I think it's purely down to the fact that my boyfriend shares my feelings. If we weren't together, I would no doubt spend every waking moment pining after him. But as we are, I don't need to.
I think it's to do with the whole wanting-what-you-know-you'll-never-have syndrome. You know you can have this lad if you want, so instantly he's not as attractive - it's no challenge.
But I was wondering the same thing myself - does that burning desire only happen once or twice, and only when you're a hormonal teen? Could some older experienced person give us an idea? :)
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