A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Ok. So my girlfriend went to stay with her best friend last week. They have been close for 5 years and it turns out last week he told ger that he was in love with her. We have been together for 7 years and when she came back there was a huge change in atmosphere between us. i knew something was up and she wouldnt tell me what happened. naturally I got a bit jealous and looked at ther messages and asked if sed cheated etc because she kept tellin me little lies about it and so I knew this meant she was hiding something. her reaction to this was pretty su-prising, she told me that she didn't know if she was in love with me any moreand had been unhappy for a while (Ive been working very hardrecently and she's been oding her finals so i understand shed feel al bit neglected) She was very upset with the fact that I didnt trust her and the invasion pof privacy. Very upset.anyway, a fewdays ago she finally told m thathe'd told her how he feels and insisted that she loved him jsut as a friend. She said she loved me but didnt know if she was in love with me and after telling me that she'd been unhappy for a while and didnt know if her feelings would change she decided to give it a chance. She never told m staright away as he had a girlfriend at the time and didnt want me to mention it to her.She said that she wants the time we spendtogether to seem special again and said that sshe wants to move out for a while to live on her own. her reasoning for thiswas that she has never done it and wants to know if she can. And that she wants to sort her own life out. she rang the guy to tell him she didnt want to speak to him any more as it wasnt fair on me or him but in the end she said she couldnt do it as his friendship meant too much to her (i never wanted her to do this)I decided that this wasn't fair and that moving out would be a huge step backwards and went to leave and stay with my parents yesterday. she got upset and angry at this and insited she didnt want me to go and that she wouldnt be here if she didn't want to try.SO im notsure about everything. DO you think it's over? can things like this work it out?she has just started work as a doctor and is being greatly overwhelmed. perhaps it's down to this huge change. kind of like a mid 20s crisis!After i went to move she insisted she loved me (shes never said she didn't only that she donesn't feel as close to me and doesnt know if shes in love with me) we had a great day. it felt back to normal again (and has done since, alhtough i think i might be being a bit too clingly which i think i should rein back). We had a couple of kisses bvefore bed last night and i got up and made her breakfast today before work. I'm really trying to make her feel appreciated and loved with gestures hugs, kisses etc. do you think im trying in vain?
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2014): god sorry for all the typos in that.... i was on my phone. basically she realised hes a creep and is has decide she wants to move in with me
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk. Last night she told me I could read some messages to her best friend who had declared his love for her the week before and started this whole mess. He was asking her to leave me for him and saying he's leave his gorlfreiwnd for her etc etc if she would give him a chance. I basically told her that he was out not order and he can't be a best friend while he's trying to break up your relationship. He had been trash talking me lots to. She assess me again he is just a friend and I told her that I wouldn't stop him speaking to him sibling as our relationship wasn't discussed, she cooled it off for a little while and pulled him up the minute he got out of line again a and told him where he stood. There has been an overnight change and she woke me up this morning to say she will no longer be moving out bit wants us to get a new place together and leave this mess here. A fresh start. She text her friend letting him know where he stands and said she'd talk to me about that later (she had to leave for work). I think she basically just for mind ducked by the whole situation and wanted things to stay as try were, even though they obv couldn't. My goal now is to not make her regret te decision. She told me that she wants the new house in her name only I'm case things don't work out. But they will. She's obviously chosen me and I'll not blow its yanks for all your help. Some of your advice was fantastic and really helped. Being supportive and not demanding was the best thing I did.Not totally fine yet, but on the right trial. And this is major good news. I juts need I tell my flatmate he has to love out which sucks . But I guess it had to happen at some point.
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A
female
reader, llifton  +, writes (29 July 2014):
 Of course, it's impossible to know how she's really feeling, as I don't believe she even knows what she's feeling at the moment. One thing seems to be certain - she is inching away, as the others have pointed out.
That doesn't mean all is lost. You two have many, many years of history between you two. It's not so easy to just walk away from all of that. So that could definitely work well in your favor. But it does seem that she's trying to see what life without you is like, without actually being without you. She's taking baby steps towards establishing a new life that doesn't include you. Rather than rip the bandaid off, she's slowly peeling it.
I don't think her asking to move out is a way to get back on track. I think it's a way to see what life is like not living with you, and to see if she likes it better. But rather than letting you go and finding out, she wants to give it a test run. She wants to know if it's not all it's cracked up to be, that she can still come back. But if it's as she expects, and she prefers it, she's already done the hard part - her bags are already packed.
I unfortunately think a break up may be looming in your future. I hate very much to say that. But a woman, after seven years of dating, doesn't want to move backwards. Women want to move forward. They want security and to know that their relationship is going somewhere. She only seems to be pushing to move it backwards. Why? So she can have her foot already half way out the door before you even know what hits you.
I had a gf years back who did this very same thing to me. We were living together and had run into some problems. She told me that she needed to move out for a while and that we should continue seeing each other in order to get back on track. Then she would move back in. That we just needed time apart to come together again. I actually even bought into that bullshit. She actually had me convinced that was true. In reality, she was cheating on me and wanted to be away from me to be able to see this other person. She dated us both for a while, behind my back, until she finally called it off with me for good. During that time, I was like you; I did EVERYTHING to try to win her heart back. I tried to woo her all over again because she told me that's what I needed to do. She had me convinced it was MY fault that we had problems in our relationship because I wasn't romantic enough. Ha! So I did everything to show her I was romantic. In the end, nothing I did mattered. She wanted out anyway.
I'm in no way implying that she would cheat on you or that she is currently cheating on you. But I truly do think the moving out is her way of (not so slowly) inching her way out the door.
I hope I'm wrong and that you two rekindle your romance and all will be great again!
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (28 July 2014):
 She seems very confused and so although the thought of letting go straight away frightens her, she's taking time to think things through and also so that the distance will make you appreciate her, or so she thinks. I really doubt that the distance will be a good thing. It makes perfect sense that you would see it as a step back, that is because it really does seem like it. I think that maybe she wants to be away from you before finally deciding to leave for good. She's taking baby steps towards it, at least this is what it looks like. OP, it's not impossible to get things back on track however, with your confused partner, I doubt things will get better before they get worse. She doesn't seem like she wants to fight for the relationship and whether or not her mind is made up on whether it's over or not (we really don't know), she still wants you to fight for it as it would give her the sense appreciation she's looking for. Nobody knows for sure if it's the end even though it seems like it could be. If you love her and feel she's worth fighting for then by all means do all that is within your power to win her back but bare in mind that it will not guarantee a continued relationship OP. You can hope but you will never truly know what she wants, we don't know either because its only her who will be able to tell you at the end of all your trying if its still you that she really wants. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (28 July 2014):
 Really ? personally I'd feel VERY appreciated if somebody were willing to work his butt off ( which he does not have to do ) to put me through MY medical school ( which is not his responsibility ).
I'd prefer it to working MY butt off and having lots of quality time to spend together- which, if I were working AND also going to med school, I would not have anyway to begin with !
Fingers crossed , OP, and best of luck, but, you know how they say - expect the best but be prepared for the worst.
It seems to me that she is inching her way out of the relationship, rather than slamming a door on it...maybe she has not made her mind up yet, it could go either way,... but as for inching, she is inching big time. A fresh start is not a matter of geographical location, and if a couple has communication problems, the best way to solve them is not going to live somewhere else altogether.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk. So it turns out that she's doesn't feel appreciated. She basically wants to move out for a month or two so that she can give me a chance to appreciate her. Which isn't necessary as I've realised how neglected she's been. I basically worked a lot of hours to get her though med school, and neglected spending time with her a a a result. She wants to live together in a few months . She just wants a freash start . The rest of what she's said appears to be fear of loss tactic as she's told her friends she just wants us to return to how we wer. Safe to say I've got the message and I'm already making changed. Have a picnic basket in my hands at the moment actually.
Fingers crossed and thanks for response
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A
female
reader, Staceily +, writes (28 July 2014):
 It's not impossible for it to work out, but I don't think it will unfortunately. When someone wants to get out on their own that way it is to get away from the relationship and drama and see how they like being without you. Testing the waters so to say. I'm not saying she is doing it maliciously or on purpose, she isn't sure how she feels about you right now and doesn't want to make any mistakes by letting you go completely. She may also think this could work and it's a last ditch effort, the only thing she could see possibly working is if she can get space for awhile. Leaving this way and living separately won't save the relationship though, it's the opposite of what would need to happen.
The fact is you are both young. And since you have been together 7 years it is likely you both are the only partners you all have had, serious and worthwhile anyway. She is looking at a new career and possibly a new life. I'm sure a large part of her wants the independence and being on her own, in more ways than just a living situation. And the freedom to do whatever she wants without being checked up on or having her actions analyzed. I remember your previous post and her vacation with the male friend and how much you didn't trust her. Probably for good reason honestly. In her mind though she's in the prime of her life, why would she settle for an untrusting relationship? And what has she actually experienced in life? At this age and length of relationship some pretty serious steps would be coming up, ones she does not want. They probably terrify her.
Regardless of her mindset, you have been together 7 years and she is moving out on her own. That's a step backwards rather than forward. After 7 years marriage should be talked about, not deciding to live separately. Also when wanting to work on a relationship you need to be together to do that, she is choosing to leave. And not a short break staying with friends, but getting an apartment/housing to live alone. So no, I don't see this lasting. You can certainly love and appreciate her, give her space and whatever else she wants, trust her and don't accuse or over analyze her actions. See what happens, but you should probably anticipate the end of the relationship.
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