| A
male
,
anonymous
writes: I got very drunk and kissed an older woman. I can't remember it properly and I would never have done a thing like that sober. I feel really guilty and ashamed. I am fearful about telling my girlfriend cos I love her so much. What should I do?
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (31 January 2006):
 I recommend telling your girlfriend yourself, because unfortunately, these things have a way of coming out on their own, and it's best that she hear about it first hand.
Catch her in a quiet moment and say that you want to tell her about something that's been bothering you, that you feel "guilty and ashamed". Then say it, just as you have here. Be sure that you let her know that it was a single, one-off incident, and that you barely remember it and that you won't ever do such a thing again.
(Maybe rein in the drinking and nip this behaviour in the bud too, eh? Being so drunk that you don't know what you're doing can't be healthy.)
There's a very good chance that she'll be angry with you for abusing her trust, but she's much more likely to be forgiving (eventually) if you come clean yourself directly to her, instead of her getting hints of rumours from friends.
There'll also be a long period when you will probably have to work to regain her trust, but this is sort of the "wages of sin", as it were. You can't get around that.
Expect that this admission is going to cause a big ripple in your relationship, but if you've been honest and trustworthy in the past, and she can see that you're being honest in the future... well, provided she's realistic and not too naive herself, she should forgive you.
It's a risk you have to take, because if she hears this third hand from someone else and then comes to YOU with it, it's going to be much harder to explain.
Take care.
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