A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi, This is a really long story but please bear with me! If i am being honest i do not know why i am writting here other than i suppose to get it off my chest.The story is i have been with my boyfriend for over 2 half years and i really do love him stupidly. We met when we first came to uni, and have been together since, but about five months ago i had these feelings of not knowing what i wanted and being confused, although i knew i loved him i kinda wanted my own space - which i know is selfish - but im only 21 and previsouly before meeting him i had been in a three year relationship at a young age 16 - 19 - Anyways, i did talk to him about my feelings, told him how i felt, and we decided to try work through it. We decided to not see each other everyday but we were not on a break! I went out one night and my boy mate walked me home, i was really drunk and although its not an excuse he ended up coming into mine and we chatted for ages about my worries then one thing led to another, it didnt mean anything, it was nothing proper but stuff still happened. I am not the type of person that would usually do this so it really upset me, i kept in contact with my mate for a while as it was easier to talk to someone about it, but then i relised staying in touch still felt like i was betraying my boyfrined so we decided not to speak to each other as much and both made a pact never to mentioned it again or to anyone, now we hardly see each other which is good!My problem is obviously i really regret cheating but i regret not telling my boyfriend even more, i kept it a secret and for about four months it was eating me up inside, my boyfriend didnt notice anything though. You see the thing is i wanted to tell him so badly but as we are in uni it is an importnant year for us with exams ect.. and i did not want to mess up his chances. This is not an excuse not to tell him i was trying to be selfless but i know its not the best thing to do becuase i hate the fact ive lied to him. I obviously still feel bad now when i think about it but its not eating me up inside as much as now our relationship is amazing, stupidly it took me to cheat to relaise this is what i want, i do want my boyfriend as he is amazing and i love him so much. I can see a future for me and my boyfriend, as we have a really good relationship (minus my incident :() but i feel like if it did get serious after uni (which is in a few mthns) i would feel i was still betryaing him. So finally my question, even though it was five months ago do i tell him that i cheated and risk losing him but if it works at least we'd have an honest relationship, or is it too late now as it was so long ago. I know he deserves someone better but ive never loved anyone like ive loved him and i know hes the same. it would break his heart, i just wish i hadnt of done it in the first place.. and i know for a fact i'd never ever do it again on him or anyone.. its just not worth it! :( xx
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2008): (from poster) ..thank you all for your advice, i do agree with all the answers, i really do want to tell him just cos i repect him so much as the weekend thing is a good idea if i was too - i know people will say if u respected him u wudnt have cheated - and i never ever thought i would cheat but unfortunatly things happen, i felt young and lost at the time :( i just cant get over this incident, i hate the fact im decieving him by not telling him, thats my only problem. I can really see myself with this guy in the future as i cant decribe my love 4 him, its too much.. but im not sure i could go ahead with that knowing my awful secret, i know i shud keep it to myself as i deserve to have the burden of it just my heads so messed up still!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2008): DONT TELL HIM SWEETY. you messed up, everyone makes mistakes and you have learnt from this. If you tell him there is a chance that he will never forget this and you will lose him anyhow. As long as you make a promise that you will never do it again and be honest from now on. Go with the here and now, make a new beginning. Good Luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2008): Guys talk. Your boyfriend may hear of your incident somehow. He may. It's better if he hears it from you. But you can't just tell him. You have to make it special and it has to include a promise that you will never do it again. Make it a special occasion: take him somewhere private -- a weekend getaway in a private beach house somewhere (rent one), and one a quiet morning or after noon, tell him how much you want to spend the rest of your life with him and how much you love him. Then tell him that you messed up, that it was stupid, that you are willing to spend the rest of your life making it up to him, and that you will never do it again. Allow that he may get upset for a while. Good luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2008): (from poster) thank you, i appreciate everything you are saying and will take your advice... but i cant help feeling upset and hating myself that i cheated on him. it wouldn't be to justify my guilt it would be because i want to be honest with him like i know i shud have been from the start :( i feel like crying when i think about how i have betrayed him and kept it from him and how it will hurt him as hes such a sweet guy. i have definatly learned from this mistake but it was a shit way to learn, i am worthless.. if i am being truthfully honest though and the tables were turned i would not want to know either if it was truly a one off mistake and everything was going fine in the end (please no abuse) ... my advice to anyone in the future, no matter how lost you feel in your relationship please do not go elesewhere :(
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2008): Don't tell him. I think what you did was wrong, but don't tell him
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (13 April 2008):
There are 2 reasons to tell him
1. to have an "honest relationship"
2. To make yourself feel less guilty.
Lets face it - number 1 is just something you are making up to justify number 2.
Don't tell your boyfriend you messed around with someone else. It was stupid but you learned from it. All it would do it mess things up because you want to feel better about it. You will hurt him and possibly lose the guy you are head over heels with.
Work on being a great girlfriend now and in the future instead and prey he never finds out.
Good Luck!! xx
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