A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm 26 and am in a relationship with a lovely guy, aged 27, and have been for almost 18 months. I suffer with severe depression and anxiety. I'm on anti depressants, (Sertraline), and I'm receiving counselling. I've been quite open over my feelings with my boyfriend, and he's been supportive. I've only recently started taking the anti depressants, (about 3 weeks ago), and they seem to have increased my insecurities. Whilst I'm with my bf, I'm ok, but as soon as we're apart, I start having massive doubts as to his feelings for me. I've told him I don't feel loved when I'm apart from him, and he asked what he could do to help, but I couldn't answer. For instance, this weekend, he went to a party, so I went to see a girlfriend. The whole time, I was obsessing over my phone and why he wasn't texting me back straight away etc. I know it was irrational and paranoid of me, but I can't help it! I don't want to keep going on at him, and saying "I need you to reassure me" all the time, because he shouldn't have to. I am having regular meet ups with my dr to discuss my medication, and she wants me to stick with it. What can I do to remind myself that he does love me when we're apart? I know in my heart he does, but I get this nauseating feeling in my stomach and get all panicky that he doesn't. Has anyone else gone through this? Or can anyone give me some advice? I want to be a happy person who he looks forward to seeing, and my fears will turn into a self fulfilling prophecy at this rate.I honestly feel like I'm going mad half the time. I've always thought people who hurt themselves are a bit silly and attention seeking, but I've been having those thoughts myself. Luckily, I'm still logical enough not to do it, but the feelings there. I just feel so out of control... Please help me!
View related questions:
text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, losingmyself +, writes (24 September 2010):
wow, I had to read that like 4 times...im going through this exact same thing..im not on anti-depresants, but everything else is spot on!! I have been with my husband for 13 yrs(only married for 5 yrs)and just recently,i have been highly insecure and depressed..like you sad, im fine at home when he is around but as soon as we part, my mind starts racing...why hasnt he texted me to say hey, why doesnt he call, does he miss me,does he still love me ,is he maybe falling for someone else?...we have started marrage counceling, and its helping, but my husban has his mind set that my issue is sex!! thats not it at all though!!for me, i want to feel loved ,i want the affection, the touch,i want to feel like -even when we are apart-he cant stop thinking about me,,the way i do for him!most nights i cry myself to sleep, and when im not crying in bed , im crying in the shower.I feel like i am lost ..confused..THIS IS NOT ME..IM NOT MYSELF...3 months ago, i was a "happy-go-lucky","care-free","I DONT GIVE A DERN" person. I even thought ..maybe menapause,but since Im only 27,its kind of a stretch...so, i took a pregnancy test..no luck there!! so now what....whats wrong with me, how do i get through this..can i get threw this..But to tell you the truth, at this point, idk if i want the old me back,or if I just really want more of my husbands love and affection/attention..As you also stated, I too always thought that people that hurt themselves were just pathetic,but sadly,It has recently crossed my mind as well...still sain!! but yes the thought is there..If you get help on here, let me know..maybe it can help us both.I wish you good luck,and hope everything turns out well for us both.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2010): Sounds like Sertraline (an SSRI) is not working for you. It does take a few weeks for anti-depressants to begin working, but by three weeks you should be feeling a little bit of relief. You may need to insist that your Dr. switches you to another medication; it is your right as a patient to receive appropriate treatment. Ask about Wellbutrin (bupropion)and see if that is an option. Once your mood stabilizes, you may find that your anxiety lessens.
...............................
A
female
reader, learning lady +, writes (26 April 2010):
 You have described yourself so vividly that I had to pause for a while and cry for you and me. What some others have said about anti-depressants is true: usually takes 2-3 weeks to start feeling a change. What to do meanwhile? Well, I believe it's crucial to be in "talking" therapy for depression, especially if this isn't the first time. If the cost is an issue, please consider going to a city/county clinic. Are you close to your family or have friends?
Many times I'm unwilling to talk about my insecurities about my relationship b/c I worry about a) boring or alienating my friends, b) know I won't take the advice that's given, or c) believe that whoever's listening really doesn't understand what I'm going through. Does any of this sound familiar? Is this why you (and I) are communicating with strangers about our pain?
My therapist once mentioned that I either never ask for help or ask for help with small things with much pleading....as if I expect to be turned down. All symptoms of not having needs met and/or feeling unworthy of others' care. This is why in my current crisis ( in love with a bi-polar man) I turn to forums like this. I've never offered advice though. I am tonight because I'm almost at the end of my rope and felt that I had to try something different.
What I do believe is this: playing hard to get or any such "tricks" will backfire, sooner or later. Your partner must fall in love with the real you. I'm not saying that you shouldn't work to resolve your emotional hurdles, BUT I do think it's crucial that your partner knows that you're struggling with these issues. This isn't easy, I know, opening yourself up to possible criticism or worse. If your partner truly loves the real you, and it sounds like he does, he will support your progress. You will make progress, I believe, because you recognize what's going on within and desire to become a stronger,more complete woman.
I sincerely hope that when you write again, it will be to say that you're working through these issues and starting to enjoy your life....
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2010): Reading your post is like a mirror of me right now. Tell the doctor if you are having self harming thoughts. Maybe a second opinion?I try and tell myself when I am alone that he' comes home to me. And I'm trying just to take it day by day.
...............................
A
female
reader, Appelle +, writes (16 March 2010):
You should tell your doctor if you are having harmful thoughts. Most medications take some time to get used to and in a little while you may not feel the same way, hopefully. If it does not even out you should talk to your doctor again about these feelings too. There are TONS of anti-depressants out there and I am sure that one will work out. In the mean time you may just feel self conscience with your boyfriend because you are embarrassed about talking medications and that might be the source of your insecurities. Just try to focus on getting better because we you love yourself your doubts will fade. I hope you feel better.
...............................
A
male
reader, Psychology101 +, writes (16 March 2010):
It sounds to me like you have some big issues that go far and beyond your currecnt situation. You need to get it out of your system and change your thinking process. You can read a book called dont sweat teh small stuff and its all small. thats a great book. PM me if you need anything else.
...............................
A
male
reader, Kenj  +, writes (16 March 2010):
 It's very obvious your boyfriend loves you a lot, he sounds like a good guy who cares about you and supports you.
Your fearing rejection right now, but look at it this way your boyfriend has stuck by you through 18 months and already knows about and has accepted your problem then it's very unlikley he will go because of this.
I want to share some practical advise which may help you.
My girlfriend can get very depressed because of her illness, what I have done for her is give her a small photo of myself with a letter written from my heart telling her exactly how I feel about her, whenever she feels anxious she can take this and read it to reassure herself that I am not going away.
Ask your boyfriend to do something similar for you, give him some time to write it though a letter from the heart can take a bit of time to write. Give him your reasons for asking, he does sound like he will understand.
Your relationship will grow stronger and over time you will be able to accept he is here for you.
...............................
A
female
reader, DiamondsAndPearls +, writes (16 March 2010):
 Hi. I have had a few friends who have gone through what you are. I think in a lot of cases like this it’s the person who is suffering from depression and anxiety that needs to change. I guess from the what you have written that you have very little self worth. Maybe a past boyfriend has cheated on you. And now you are putting all that anxiety into this relationship. Maybe you feel that you are not attractive and there for he obviously doesn’t love you because in your mind why would he? But you need to realize that you re not seeing things clearly. And that you have a man who obviously loves you. And thinks you are gorgeous and sexy. And as to your question “How do I know he still loves me when he’s not there “ The answer is because he comes back every time. To you. To the women he loves. I have a boyfriend and to be honest I look at it like this. If we go to a party or he goes out on his own. Even if he looks at other women. Who’s he coming home to ? ME! Cus he doesn’t want anyone else. And from what you have said it sounds like your boyfriend loves you very much. No offence meant but he would have to love you to stay with you through all of your bad times and be there for you still ….. Because there are a million and one men out there that would have walked buy now. I really hope this helps you.
...............................
A
female
reader, ElectricSheep +, writes (16 March 2010):
 Your boyfriend (who sounds like a lovely guy) has done nothing for you to have doubts. Focus on this fact. Don't expect the worst; think positive. Always keep in your mind, "He loves me. I trust him." I understand those panicky feelings because sometimes I get them. My boyfriend travels a lot so you can guess what thoughts go through my head. When I sense that I'm going to panic and have doubts, I reassure myself that he loves me; he shows and tells me that, and I can't let mere thoughts ruin our relationship.
Once you let go of this fear, you will feel so much better. Convince yourself nothing bad is going to happen. You wrote that your "fears will turn into a self fulfilling prophecy." Because I used to think the same thing, I forced myself to stop having those fears.
Trust your boyfriend, trust in your power to have positive thoughts, have belief that things will go right.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2010): I have felt the exact same way. I feel like I have already pushed my boyfriend away from doing so. I took the antidepressants for a few days and decided that it wasn't for me. There is nothing wrong with me.
I stopped getting panicky because it begins to sink in that no matter how you feel, you will at some point today or tomorrow get a text or a call from him. I used to freak out 24/7 and stare at my phone, but I know he will call me.
You need to make your head a safe heaven, like a safe place. It is the only place you can go when things with your boyfriend are tough. It is YOUR head and you can't attack yourself. You love yourself and want to feel good so you should be able to feel comfortable alone, right? You can't hurt yourself, you shouldn't hurt yourself with these thoughts. You are the only person who should never hurt yourself, you understand? Because so many other people will to you, so then why are you going to also? You should be the one person trying to protect you body/mind. I know this is a bit abstract and out there, but it came to me when I was lying on the floor with my boyfriend.
It hurts me a lot when I don't get to see him and it sometimes seems like it doesn't hurt him. It took me at 2am at night when I couldn't hide my emotions anymore to open up. I asked him is that bad. He said no he misses me and it hurts him just as much. It is just that he came from a stable family and I didn't. I asked him what it is like for him and he just responded that there are people the he loves and that is all. He said for me I am just more dependent because I never had a family. I sort of cried because I don't want to be dependent, that's not who I want to be in a relationship or ever.
I realized then that I'm the only person who I would never hurt. And when I am with him I get anxious sometimes, that I should be able to come back to my head away from him or anyone else and feel safe.
I don't feel like my boyfriend loves me when he is away because he is not kissing me hugging me holding my hand. It is like I become the last thing on his mind, out of sight, out of mind. Regardless, I know he will call me.
I think my problem is that he has a life aside from me, a huge fulfilling life, I have like nothing.
He loves you and you just have to believe it and know it. And if you can't then why would he want to be with you? Love for a guy is more like a fact. You just have to kind of do your own thing and not sit by yourself thinking he doesn't because 24/7 he does. You can't see it, you can't feel it, you don't associate him doing certain things with the fact that he loves you. But he just does whether you know it or not.
Get off the antidepressants, I would stop seeing someone, too costly. This is normal (well for people that have been through something). I think when you are seeing someone and on stuff, it makes it worse. You don't not have a problem, and you are not crazy. Something is bothering you beyond your relationship. Something happened with someone you loved and you learned from it and developed from it. You have to find out what it is and work on that. Work on yourself. He is not causing you to feel like this, you are. Help yourself and once you do, you will begin to see just how much he loves you so clearly. But until you do, there will be this fog around you and all you will see is what you are not getting and how painful it is.
What is exactly is wrong? Is it not about your boyfriend, it has nothing to do with him. It is about you. Figure it out and work on it or you will never be okay in a relationship. Because you are not okay with yourself yet. And don't do this because you will lose him, do it for yourself.
...............................
|
