A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:my ex and I were together for 4 years, lived together and planned our wedding. He wasn't happy in the summer (now know was wedding pressure, mainly financial) so we split up but got back together a few days later with wedding off. About 2 weeks later he cheated on me (away from home). I sensed something wasn't right so i suggested moving out for some space. a couple of weeks later he split up with me. I since found out he had seen this girl while i moved back home and started a new relationship with her. He was very cruel about everything, didn't say sorry, continued to lie, and had this girl in our house while my stuff was there, shoved in the spare room. What made it worse is this girl is the opposite of all the traits (personality)in me he claimed to love, which made me feel like crap.this was around 3months ago. he's gradually become more distant with her and better with me (he did try it on with me in the early stages, i said no) but we rarely were in contact (i backed off). last week he said he did love me still, it was a mistake, he was really sorry and that he would dump this girl who purposely put pics on fb to let me know he was with her (charming). Since then he hasn't made much of an effort with me. I told him after what he's done (i'm in final year of uni so had to move back in with my alchy dad and very angry mum, who enjoy making me feel like a waste of space and I feel bad for taking up what little spare room they have) i needed to feel valued and loved. He said when he's with me it's awesome but when we're apart he doesn't really think about me and he doesn't understand why as he does love me and want me (and no one else). He's assured me that it's nothing to do with this girl as she was a mistake. I do believe this from what i've heard from him/mutual friends - she also lives far away.He suggested that we take it really slow (i was nagging him ALOT) and talk/go for the occasional drink etc like once/twice a week not every day without rushing in which is what we tried and didn't work. He says he believes doing it this way he'll be able to make more effort with me as it won't be pressurised and it can come naturally, he says he doesn't want to muck up this one chance i've given him and he knows i deserve alot more. He says he feels we will be fine and back on track. Of course this means i don't hear from him as much as I'd like, and I basically have to deal with it as my nagging doesn't help. He does try to reassure me about when he'll contact me. Part of me feels this is a sensible way to do things - to gradually ease back in, but part of me feels awful because i can't help but feel if he really did love me and want me (which he promises he does) that would motivate him now to show me this. he's said he is halfway through writing me a letter to tell me sorry properly, which is thoughtful, but I can't help but feel i should be fighting off nice texts, goodnight phone calls, flowers etc. I cry nearly everyday and have to stop myself from contacting him yet part of me thinks why should i have to stop myself? it isn't fair, i feel obliged to paint on my happy face in order to make this work when i feel i'm surely due abit more.Am I being really stupid and greedy, should I be patient and take it slow (our relationship before our rocky patch/split was amazing) and see what happens or what? I really love him but I don't want to be anyone's fool.
View related questions:
cheated on me, flowers, got back together, split up, text, wedding Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2010): Leave him. He cheated on you, lied, got stressed out so much that he had you move out. If you want to spend your life with someone, shouldn't it be someone who you are able to live with no matter what? He gets depressed or stressed out and you need to move out of the place? So he can get his fling in to mess around with, I presume for stress-release? And now he wants to take it slow. Why? Because he misses you, but doesn't know what he wants anymore. Do you know what you want still? Because if you know what you want, then this guy isn't for you. He might have been the greatest guy in the world, but now he isn't anymore. It's time to move on. It will hurt, but it will not kill you. And time heals wounds and you are definitely going to meet many interesting a great men in your future. And as a last note: if you're really meant to be then take some years apart and not talk to each other at all. Then perhaps you can start over again with falling in love again, once he's matured. Just think about it: you wanted to give your life to him, marry him, be with him always. And what does he want? He probably doesn't know what he wants. One minute he loves you, next he'll be wondering if he should jump on the next plane to Thailand and join a monastery. Call him one day and ask him whats on his mind. If its not you then you have all the proof you need.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2010): As the old saying goes "when someone shows you who they are the FIRST time, BELIEVE THEM." It's obvious he's not giving you the kind of romance you desire. While your wasting your time on him to become that man you want him to be later, like he "promises," you may be missing out on someone who is already everything you want and more!! Trust there is someone out there that will be as attentive, affectionate, and passionate with you the way you deserve. Who is he to dictate when and how much time he will give to you? This man that has cheated, lied, and disrespected you by putting a women in your place, while your things were still present?! Who? This guy that has already shown that he is afraid of commitment? This guy that makes you feel "less than" and "unworthy"? LUDICROUS! Don't let your self-esteem suffer because he wasn't mature enough and man enough, let alone DECENT enough to handle this situation. He's not worth your tears...If you're so sure of him, he should be JUST as SURE of you but he isn't! You shouldn't have to ask for a guy to be responsive to you, a guy who has lied and cheated on you!! Don't ignore the RED FLAGS!! YOUR WORTH SOOOOOO MUCH MORE!!!!!!Let the zero go. The bad outweighs the good.Be STRONG!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2010): Well you should tell him how you feel! Tell him that you don't understand why he is not bombarding you with flowers, phonecalls etc. I agree that he should be doing everything he can to make things better after how he treated you! However he may actually think that how he is going about things is the best way to sort your relationship out, or otherwise he cant be bothered.
To be honest if I was you I would not have got back into a relationship with him, but I understand what it is like when you really love someone! I think he should be doing everyting he can to make it up with you! Tell him that he needs to try much more and needs to make up for what he did. If he dousn't then go find another man that deserves you.
...............................
|
