A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Ive recently started dating a new man. He is 5 years older than me. After a couple of months I have discovered he is impotent and I don't know what to do. He didn't tell me when we first met and I can understand that, but after ending my long abusive marriage, I had hoped to meet someone with whom I could have a full sex life. I am 44 and he is 49.He is a sweet man and we get on very well but I cannot stop feeling dissapointed over this and sadly it's making me feel discontented with him.He says that medication like viagra doesn't help him and it's just something he has accepted about himself.I seriously don't want to hurt his feelings as he has been married twice and has had a difficult time in the past but I just don't know what to say to him.Any advice would be much appreciated.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou so much for all your kind answers. Just to update you all, I saw my fella today and we had a really long chat about things. He is understandably defensive about his condition and I discovered his problems began with his second wife who used to critisize and put him down a lot.
I let him talk and get things off his chest and I have offered to stand by him and assist him to get medical help. He really is a sweetie and it helped to talk about it. I seriously think his ex wife was mad because he is such a lovely man and also very handsome (well I think so and I told him) I want to see it through as I actually think it's worth it and all your answers made me think about it on a much less superficial level, so well done all of you xxx
A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003  +, writes (29 August 2009):
 You know there are many ways to sexually please a woman besides using a penis. So does he. Provided you can accept that.
If he truly loves you and wants you, then he will go with you and find professional help for this condition.
Impotence can be caused by numerous things. Sexual abuse as a child is one reason, trauma, a medical condition that can be corrected through surgery, or some other issue.
Many urologists specialize in this problem and they are all well aware of the different treatments and other things which are available to help a man recover his ability to have sex.
One thing that you can do, if you do love him, is spend a great deal of time with him and gently gain his trust so that you can at the very least try to help him through this.
Many men refuse to allow women to help them through impotency problems. But a kind and patient woman who is not afraid, who can get him to trust her, can help him overcome this issue.
It takes two people to make this work. I know he wants to deal with this on his own, but its personal to both of you.
I sense that you feel for him, and if you are willing to invest the effort and he is willing to trust you; both of you can go find the help that he needs and both of you can help him overcome it.
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A
male
reader, Perspicacious +, writes (29 August 2009):
When two people have different expectations about what a relationship will involve then sooner or later it is going to cause problems.If you are not happy with what he is able to offer you then it would be better to part now while the relationship is in its infancy than several years down the line.An important question here is what is he doing (or going to do) about his problem? If the answer is nothing then he is saying "This is the situation, if you don't like it then tough luck!" which is rather unfair.If he is seeing his doctor and trying to find a solution then maybe there is hope and at least he is doing what he can.All you can really do is explain to him honestly how you feel (he deserves the truth, at the very least) and discuss if there is a way forward. If not, then you will probably both know that the relationship isn't going to work out.Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2009): You are being kind and sensitive towards his feelings but I'm sorry it is better to get yourself out of this relationship now before either of you get any more emotionally involved. You do deserve happiness and if a healthy sex life is part of the package for you then you must stick to your needs. Think of the times in the past when you compromised yourself, your happiness and your needs? In an abusive relationship?..... don't do it all over again but in a different way. Have the self worth to say "He's a lovely person but I have needs too." Offer to remain friends.
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