A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello aunts and uncles, Sorry, this will be a little long. I'm in a dilemma. I've to tell the whole story to make the situation clear. I'm a 25 years old girl. I met a guy around 30 years of age at my workplace. I soon fell in love with him. He is very nice and he is very shy to talk to girls. It took me some time to get him to talk to me. Now he talks nicely with me and is really good in making conversations and a great listener. He doesnt look great. He has ordinary looks. But he has every quality I would like in a guy. He is a thorough gentleman. He will always be the first to help anyone in need. He is always nice to everyone. (I dont know how he manages that) Almost everyone at my workplace has borrowed money from him at some point. Some people havent returned the money and he has never asked them. He never tells anyone that he has done such help to so and so. I have only heard from others how he helped them in their needs. His friends have told me that he does many charity works like donating blood and that he would lay down his life for his friends. Everyone at my workplace refers to him with the nick "Mr.good". I fell in love with him like crazy. Hard part was telling him that. He never showed any signs that he has such interests in me or any other girl. He never flirts with anyone. He is just nice to anyone guy or girl. So I finally decided to pour out my heart to him in email. His reply was like this "I am very flattered to know that a girl like you will love me. Thank you for your interest. But I am not fit to marry. I am sorry. You will get a better guy than me". I was sad but I still had hope. I kept asking him why he said he is not fit to marry. Finally he said that he has no interest in sex and like he is impotent. I was torn. I loved him so much that I thought I can marry him inspite of his problem. On the other hand I wasnt sure if I can live all my life without sex. One day another guy at my workplace was telling how a few guys had a talk about very personal problems in their lives. He said that Mr.good said his greatest challenge in life is controlling his sexual desire. I was shocked. I told that guy Mr.good never showed signs of having any such interests. That guy said they were all astonished at Mr.good's confession as well. It broke my heart that Mr.good lied to me and I was crying that night. I later confronted Mr.good asking him why he lied to me. He replied to me in an email. It was like this "I am very sorry that I broke your heart with a lie. I will tell you the truth. This is a secret of my life no one else in the world knows about. I do get sexually attracted to girls. But I have a problem. I always have had a sexual desire for boys around age 15. I know it is wrong on so many levels. My religion condemns homosexuality and sex with kids. I will never do such an evil thing. I will never do anything illegal. But to control my desire and have an outlet I masturbate fantasizing about young boys. I know no girl will want to live with a man like me. They deserve better than that. I know you would have changed your mind now knowing the truth. I hope you wont break our friendship now. But if you do, I can understand that". I cried reading that email. It only made my love for him to increase. Though it shocked me that he has such a secret, I trust him enough that he will be the last person on earth to do anything against his conscience. If I have a boy, I would trust him to leave my boy in his care than any other guy or woman on earth. His fault seems nothing to me compared to his all good qualities. I told him I will love him no matter what. I am stubborn in my love and he is stubborn in his idea that he is not fit to marry. What should I do? Am I doing something wrong here? I cant ask anyone I know for advice because I cant tell anyone his secret. So I am asking you agony aunts and uncles here. Please help me.
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fell in love, flirt, money, shy, workplace Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2009): Hello aunts and uncles, I am the girl who asked the question. Sorry for this late reply. I had PC problems. Thanks a lot to all of you who took the time to reply me. I dont know if anything happened to him when he was a boy. He usually doesnt talk about such things and since it is his secret I am afraid he wont feel comfortable talking about it. I wish I am the one sent to help him. Another girl in my office said something that made me think. I was telling her that Mr.good seems to want to remain single. She laughed and said "That is not a surprise. How can a selfless guy like that put up with the selfishness of a woman for the rest of his life?" Then she became serious and said "I really think it is good for everyone if a man like him remains single. What if the wife doesnt share his views and doesnt support him in his charity works? He can also care for others much more if he doesnt have a family to take care of." What she said made me think "Do I deserve him?" I would say I will never hinder him helping anyone. But that girl has made me fear if I would succumb to the typical female characteristic of being family centered in the future, especially after having kids and be a hindrance to his good works. So I decided to just tell him I will love him no matter what (I have already done that) and leave the rest to his decision. I will wait and see how lucky I am. If he remains strong in his decision, I will take that as a sign saying we are not meant to be together. Getting over him will be hard though.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2009): I think you were sent for him to help heal his past. Something must've happend to him at 15, or with a person 15. If you tell him you still love him, he will be amazed you could love what he despises about himself and give him hope to love a woman. This will take time for him to trust you, so he can open up to you. A secret keeps a person from living life. You've helped him already! Please keep up posted.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (1 February 2009):
There's nothing like a hopeless case to make us girls go weak at the knees.
Seeing hidden vulnerabilities in men is very attractive as it appeals to our nature to look after them and fix them. It's very romantic.
However, this is not a good thing for you. You would be a martyr to love. You would suffer for life simply for him to be unhappy as he cannot have the things he really wants.
I think you have to be strong and try to get over him. You can be his friend, but you need a man who can be there for you and please you, as much as you can be there for him and please him.
Good Luck!! xx
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