A
male
age
30-35,
*irefighter26
writes:So I sort of messed up with this girl. See, I'm a firefighter who volunteers. And there's this female EMT, I've known her for 3 years outside of squad. A bit of back story, we dated for almost a month but on both our ends, it wasn't working out mainly because of the age gap. I was 20, she was 17 and she just couldn't do a relationship with what was happening at home. So back to what's happening now. She joined my rescue squad a year ago and we just so happen to ride the same night. I'm the EMT driver on her night. So I tell her back in March, shortly after she broke up with her ex boyfriend, that I like her. She rejects me, says that she doesn't know what she wants. So I accept that sort of. I waited until June to ask her again, this time I asked if we could kiss, and see if the sparks fly. So we kissed. From there, we decided to hang out more, see where it goes. We would hang out on duty nights, watch TV at my place. Eventually it led to more like us making out, almost having sex but not really. She had this whole "I don't want to have sex until I'm in a committed relationship" type thing; I respect that a lot and she knew that.One of the nights, she asked me out, I said no but our time will come for that soon. I just needed to get my life together. I'm in no position to have a relationship, I work every night basically and I work a lot, a lot personal is going on. So we continue hanging out. She ended up having to cover someone on medical leave so she started riding two nights in a row at the squad house. We would hang out til I had work the other night but on Friday nights, we would hang out til 3 am. Then we stopped hanging out. Granted, that was my decision because I was really busy and my other friend, who rides squad with us, is leaving for college soon so I want to hang out with him as much as possible. I didn't want to tell her that though. So time goes on, I might have let it slip to my friend and this kid that likes her that we had hooked up. The kid tells her and she got all mad at me.She thought I had told more people and that I had used her. I tried saying sorry but she told me off and what she said hurt me a lot.Basically she accused me of using her, being worse than her abusive ex because I messed with her mind and lied about caring about her. I never lied. I still like her a lot and she should know I would never be like any of her exes because I'm not mean and I'm usually nice to everyone. I think I also made it seem like what she thought was true. After she texted me saying for me to lose her number, I said " That's fine I'm sorry what I did was wrong and somehow I'm going to try and make it right. I know you're mad and I don't blame you but I am sorry" I think that made her think that I was using her when I wasn't. So afterwards she texted me "I'll never forgive you for what you have done. The human race disgusts me"Then she blocked me off of everything. Two of her friends told me that I really messed up and they wouldn't even let me talk at all.It's been two weeks since we've talked and I feel like a douche bag. She left Friday nights and I heard she might actually be leaving Squad (that's a bit of an over reaction) and I got chewed out about it by my chief and my crew chief. She didn't apparently tell them, my crew chief said he sort of figured it out based on how we've both been acting. Then he said he blames me for this, not her because he knows her and he knows she gets hurt easily but for her to show it, that's when he knows I did wrong big time. I was given a chance to speak but he said that this other kid is coming back to take her place on her crew if she doesn't decide by a certain date if she's coming back to Friday's or not. I just want to say sorry but is it too soon? I really do like her a lot and I miss talking to her...idk what to do. Help me?
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male
reader, Firefighter26 +, writes (18 November 2013):
Firefighter26 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI only got in trouble at work because she's one of the better EMTs that know what she's doing, why and patients love her. On top of that she's being molded to eventually become chief. That and the fact that my squad leader and our chief considers her to be like a kid didn't help. But they were happy.
And she knew that but she said she just wanted to know I was hers And I was hers and she was mine. I didn't see anyone else when we fooled around and nor did she.
She is coming back to Friday nights but our squad leader told me not to mess it up this time if we go back to being more than friends. And I won't be. I really do like her and I'm looking to find a job closer to home with normal hours so that I can eventually date her or be more with her.
A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy  +, writes (17 November 2013):
 Hi OP,
I'm glad you managed to clear the air with her today. And that you came to give feedback.
I really got the impression that the thing that upset her most was your remark to a friend that you'd "hooked up" rather than that you were at item (of sorts) but informal at this stage. That would be very insulting to her. In general, it's not gentlemanly to blab about sexual conquests, particularly when it gets back to mutual colleagues and friends.
I think she really does care for you hence the strong reaction. And also she's vulnerable and still hurts from previous bad experiences.
I strongly advise that you stop all physical contact with her because it'll only hurt her more and possibly get you more trouble at work. You've stated clearly to us that you're not in the position to have a girlfriend and I hope you made that crystal clear to her too?
Finally, mixing work and pleasure isn't a good idea.
Wishing you, and her, well.
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A
male
reader, Firefighter26 +, writes (17 November 2013):
Firefighter26 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell she does live in the past but she's gotten better than she used to be with it. We sort of just talked. I think it went well. There was a fire and we sort of got paired together and there was someone that got hurt which caused us to talk things out afterwards at least. I got a hug. It turns out there was more to it because the kid I told told a lot of people and then told her I said I was using her. I told her she should have known better but of course she didn't. So I Guess things are good. She said to our crew chief that she might be coming back to Fridays and I was talking to her Thursday crew and they said she's most likely going back to Friday. I also got a text from her friend last night about this and he gave me advice about her and that's also how I found out she still cares if she's still hurt. I still care but for now I think until I resolve my problems and she hers we won't date. I couldn't date her anyways. I work most of the week. And when we did hang out it was at most like 12 hours a week and I want to commit more time to that. And we'd only hang out at night which doesn't let us go on dates or anything really. When I have a girlfriend, we hang out a lot. I don't like not seeing my girlfriend. But thank you
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (17 November 2013):
So basically you stopped "hanging out" (and almost having sex) with her and didn't tell her why, and then you blabbed to colleagues that you'd hooked up with her so she's the talk of the town. That's how she will be seeing it.
Also, she'll be wondering why you won't have a committed relationship with her but have time to hang out, hook up, etc. You like her, but treated her like FWB. Granted she didn't have to go along with it, but I'm guessing she saw it progressing to more.
In your post I notice a lot of problems with communication. Not telling her why you stopped hanging out with her, not telling her why you told the other guy that you and her had hooked up. Then, worst of all, when the shit hit the fan, using text messaging to try and sort it out. You should've at least phoned her!
You've already said sorry. You could send her a big bunch of flowers with a letter attached explaining it more clearly, as you've done here, but don't expect her to forgive you or want to be your FWB again. The best case scenario is that she comes back to work, and if she does that then respect her wishes and give her space. I doubt she'll even want to be your friend, unless you can really explain yourself to her.
I don't mean to have a go; I've also done stupid things and unwittingly hurt people. Thing is to learn from your mistakes, and also recognise that sometimes you have to accept you've been a douche and not expect forgiveness. Just try not to repeat the same mistakes with her or anyone else.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2013): Life is too short, do whatever makes you happy. If she's the one who makes you happy then, what are you waiting for? saying sorry is the most kind act of love.
It does not makes you less as a person. It actually makes you better as a person. The sooner you say it to her the better. You miss her and you like her, why make things complicated?
I'm sure she will be pleased to have you back even as her friend. As long as your sincere and explain thing to her in the most calm, kind way your piece, then I don't think that she will not forgive you.
People will say, no don't talk to her forget her, blah, blah, blah. But is that what you wanted? I don't think so, otherwise u wont be writing here. You have an itch to say sorry. You like her and there's no one cant stop those feelings BUT YOU.
So, My advice, go and say sorry. but never act crazy. if she's not ready to speak to you, let her be. but it would be best if you let her know how you really feel before you let go.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, cupidhelppp +, writes (17 November 2013):
Hey Budd.. This girl overreacts and that being said you should not put yourself at fault and feel guilty just for telling a friend you hooked up with her. I do not know if anyone from your work should have got involved but then you were open to take criticism from them. It was great you apologized, but its not good you put yourself in a position to beg her in a way to forgive you. I will give her some time and space and then talk to her after a while and if she responds positively then that means she likes you enough to move on and forget what happened, and if not oh well she seemed a little bit too dramatic anyway and seems like she is still living in the past. I am sure you can do better! Remember always to take control of the situation, and maybe you should call it off if she continues to overreact. Hope this helps!
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