A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am so conflicted right now. Sorry if this gets long -I am 27 in a relationship with someone who is 48. We met because we have a mutual sexual fetish that while completely normal and not one of those weird ones, is a little uncommon.I have always been very mature for my age, and the age difference was not a big deal. It still really isn't. If you saw us together, you wouldn't think twice about it. We've never received weird looks or negative comments.We've been together for 2.5 years, live together, and run a business together. The business is both of our full-time employment, and we run it from home. We are together a big portion of the day.I still care very, very much about him, but I don't know if I'm in love with him anymore. As I get older, I am realizing that our visions for life are quite different. I want children soon, and while he is willing to have kids if I want them, he never really imagined himself as a dad. Also, at 48, if we had kids in lets say 2 years, he'd be 68 when the first kid graduated high school. He does not take very good care of his health and is a nightly drinker.He takes EXTREMELY good care of me. He is very caring and he sacrifices for me, which is not his nature at all. While I appreciate that, and it is what everyone wants in a relationship, I don't know if that's enough anymore. My other concern is that he does not have friends or family in the area. Before I met him, he led a very solitary life. If we broke up, he'd go back to that lifestyle. It'd be a HUGE change for him - literally shaking up his life.We almost broke up after a fight a few months ago. At the time, we discused how we would split the business. I don't really care about the business at this point, so it's not a huge concern. We are in a month to month contract on the apartment, so not a huge deal there either.I care about him, and I don't want to hurt him. This is literally tearing me up inside. I haven't eaten in days. I have been semi-withdrawn, and I think he knows something is up, but we haven't really discussed it. Our communication is usually very good, but we dont' deal with issues very well.The other factor is that coincidently I just reconnected with a very dear friend. I've known this person for nearly my entire life. He was my first crush, and a VERY special person in my life. We never got the chance to date, but we did attend a school dance together. There was always a huge connection there. Well, there still is after seeing each other after 10 years. I told him of my relationship problems, and I am fairly certain we'd date if I became single. Although we've never been romantically involved, I consider him to be my first love on a very deep level, and I just figured that life's circumstances would keep us apart. I don't want to rush to make a decision to break up with my current BF to go out with my dear friend, but who knows how long the stars will align for that we will have an opportunity to date. I don't know if dear friend will work out or not, due to the fact that he is a Mormon and I'm an athiest though. Other than that, we are compatible on every level.Oh dear, what should I do? I have never broken up with anyone before. This is harder than when I was divorced after 5 years of marriage.
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (9 November 2010):
 OK based on your follow up post I suppose there is a possibility of a match with the old Dear Friend. But, upon reflection, everything else I said still holds true. I still think you are confusing the excitement of a new relationship, or the thrill of emotional cheating, with love. Be sure you know what you want before you settle down next time.
FA
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (9 November 2010):
 OP, I know this is probably a dumb question, but... why do you necessarily have to choose between two bad matches ? Doctor's order ?
Your current BF sounds terribly wrong for you under many aspects. The old friend is a devoted Mormon and you a staunch atheist- ( well, maybe not so staunch if you consider converting ). Anyway it's probable that your ideas would clash, particularly from a sexual point of view.
All in all, these are two not so good matches- why do you have to choose ?
Why can't you look for a third guy ?
Or, in lack of any enticing candidate, why can't you be single for a while ? Even a long while, if necessary- until you find someone compatible.
Mind you, all this said by one who is surely not the strong independent type. I am much used to live in couple, and a romantic ,passionate type. When I have had to be alone, I DID miss hand-in-hand strolls and cozy pillow talk and what not. But- it's not that bad !, there are other things in life beside relationships. Plus, I think that , if the choice is between mouldy bread and stale cake, perhaps the best is skipping breakfast altogether...
am I totally wrong ?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2010): OP here. The fetish is spanking. While I like it, it's not a necessary component of sex for me. I know that premarital sex is not okay in the Mormon religion, and I'm fine with that. I was a virgin til I was married at age 20 (really religious back then)
I also should add that my current BF drinks nightly - usually 8 alcoholic drinks per night. He also smokes, and I don't mean cigarettes. I'm not a drinker (having grown up with alcoholic parents) and I'm not into drugs (to each their own - not judging). He wouldn't give either of those up if we had kids. I'm a pretty wholesole person. I used to be religious, and I looked into the Mormon faith before. I wouldn't mind converting - I dint think it's a bad lifestyle at all, especially the strong family bonds.
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A
male
reader, doublejack +, writes (7 November 2010):
I'm going to limit my comment to the aspect of religion. My advice is to be careful not to minimize the significance of differing views, specifically between those you hold and those of your dear friend. In my opinion, a couple must hold pretty similar views in this area to be compatible. They don't have to be identical, but Mormons are quite conservative and atheists are on the opposite end of the spectrum. From that alone I really don't see where a long term relationship between you two would even be possible.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2010): Fetishes are clinically viewed as a dysfunction of normal psychology. Rather than allowing this to impede upon your life in any way, you may wish to address it rather than giving into it.
Having said that, a mormon could not marry an atheist. If you love him truly, then consider whether you are a good match and whether it is possible that you can become a good match. In other words, can you become a mormon? Can you address this fetish?
Fetishes (I don't know what yours is) could frighten him.
This man you are currently with... with this fetish... living a solitary life without you... does not sound like the pinnacle of normalcy.... especially for his age. This is a red flag. We cannot be someone else's oxygen or their crutch. We cannot carry someone. We can show them the way. If they choose not to take charge of their own life after being shown a way to... then you must realize that he is in his predicament because he has chosen not to take responsibility for his own life. At 48... well, it may be that this leopard has spots that are permanent.
You are young enough to live a good life and turn yours around.. have the children and raise them in healthy well adjusted home. But you need to become truly healthy and well adjusted too. You become the lighthouse for children... guiding them... so dysfunction on any level can be corrosive.
If this is an idea that you aspire to... then do it. Leave the dysfunctional man and find a good life filled with everything... unlimited joy. Children. A good home. A good man. Right living...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2010): Ou say you hooked up with your current man because u both have the same ,perhaps uncommon fetish. I think u know we are all curious to know so plse put us (ME) out of our miseries and advise what it is. Whatever it is, each to his/her own
I think u know that u want to end it and hook up with the Mormon guy. Currently you are embroiled in an affair of sorts so plse stop cheating on the older boyfriend.
Do u think the other guy will tolerate your fetish or can u see yourselves indulging fully.
LoveGirl.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2010): I agree with Fatherly Advice. I don't think you'd be a very good match with the old flame. Mormons are very "into" their religion.
Despite the age difference, it sounds like you have a great guy in your life right now, and good life at that. It sounds like he'd do anything for you. There are so many women out there who'd love to have a kind and caring man like that to share their lives with.
I think your sexual desire and romantic fantasies about the ex-flame is what has made you throw off your contentment in the relationship. Sure, maybe it wasn't perfect beforehand, but no relationship is.
And I think if you were with the other guy, you'd find that the grass is far from greener. In fact, I think you'd be absolutely miserable in a short time.
Besides, given your sexual fetish and religious beliefs, it's likely that the Mormon ex-flame wouldn't choose to have you as a life partner.
I think you should put some space between yourself and the old flame and take the time to carefully think this out. Before you make a decision, think about what you'd be losing if you left the man you're with.
P.S. .And so what if he's 68 when the kids graduate from high school.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (7 November 2010):
Leaving him will probably hurt him less than continuing to cheat on him.
It seems you always think the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. You are hoping from relationship to relationship looking for something that you aren't finding.
Have you thought about how the next guy is going to feel about your fetish? Mormons are, theologically speaking, into very long term relationships. What he is likely looking for in a wife is someone who can make that long term contract with him, and to a Mormon that means sharing the same religion.
Stop looking for excitement and start finding love.
FA
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A
female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (7 November 2010):
 I agree, you already know what you need to do. Yes, it sucks being the one to initiate the breakup, but sometimes it is for the best.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2010): your biological clock has about another 5 years before your fertility starts dropping fast. Many woman leave starting a family too long. And then find it is too late when they try. I am concerned that in your confused state you may have met a hiccup moment in your relationship. And decided to throw the towel in, instead of working on it. your man is caring and looks after you really well. That is rare. I would not be in a rush to end your existing relationship. If i was in your situation.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2010): I think you are using the run-up of your story as excuses. You already know what you want to do. You still have very strong feelings for your old flame and want to reconnect with him. It is also a deep desire of yours to have children and your old flame is much younger, virile and won't be an old fart when your kids graduate from high school.
Go with your gut. Be good and good luck with your relationships.
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