A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:i have a bit of an issue. i am completely in love with a man that i have been with for almost a year. we both are very similar, have had very bad mentally and physically abusive relationships in the past. and we are each others support system. he is truly my best friend, my lover and my life all in one. but, occasionally we argue. and every couple fights i seem to go over board a bit. he threatens that maybe we can't work and i freak out and try to commit suicide. i know that is a horrible thing but i have been really traumatized in the past and sometimes feel that it is the only way out. we are working on these issues of mine together because he does love me and i know i need help. but there is something that i can't talk about with him that i'm hoping i can get opinions on here. a few weeks ago, our last big fight, i went to take a bunch of pills and he slapped me across the face for it. he has never hit me before and i was pretty much in shock. said he was so sorry several times and that it will never happen again. he just didn't want me to be so stupid and take all the pills. but since then, i keep having reoccurring dreams of one of the abusive relationships i have had in the past. and i feel like our relationship isn't as close anymore. i cry every night and am really stressed out. huge circles under my eyes. i can't afford to see a psychiatrist so i'm not really sure what to do. it's almost like i am afraid that it's going to happen again even though i really don't think he will ever really hurt me. i'm so confused. anyone have any kind of advise at all?
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male
reader, Karlos Omnis  +, writes (29 October 2007):
 Usually you cannot love someone else until you love yourself.Issues this deep it seems you need to tackle yourself. You mention that problems that he himself sometimes mention makes you want to commit suicide, i.e. he's dragging you down further than you need to be.I think you seriously need to consider having some time apart, before one of you does something you regret
A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (29 October 2007):
 We're working on these issues together. You need to seek psychological treatment. I must have skimmed over this question earlier, but we generally don't approve questions that mention suicide. Working on these issues with your boyfriend, is not going to help unless he has a strong grasp of psychological disorders.
Check with the Department of Family Services. If money is an issue, hey have a list of sliding scale psychologists. At one time I wasn't working, my appointments were $1.
You mentioned the only way out, of what, the past or this relationship with such a wonderful man that you love so much. The past happened, you can't change the past, but what you can do is develop your future.
Your dreams are post traumatic episodes. I can almost guess from the information you gave, your suffering from post traumatic stress disorder.
You know that now you are safe, you're not in an abusive relationship, all though you have now become the abuser instead of the victim. That happens with this form of trauma, but is not the focus of it. What I want to do is give you a little information on how trauma works, but then you need to seek professional assistance.
Think of your brain as a file cabinet, you have your conscious state of mind and your subconscious state of mind. As the abuse happened it's felt physically, mentally, and visually, that's done in your conscious mind, but after the fact, your brain stores it in your subconscious mind. The problem is, our minds are really bad about filing information. This is why when in an automobile accident, passing the intersection at a later date, a person might cringe or feel a sense of fear, all though the accident is past tense. The same in relationships. The abuse others caused you is now attached to your definition of "relationship", certain things that take place in your relationship, such as arguments, trigger the areas which cause your fear in your past relationships.
I recommend one of two areas of treatment (1) counseling (2) NLP Specialist. (Neuro-linguistics programming) This area of treatment is getting much more popular in refiling trauma. It works and really doesn't take long to do so.
Take care,
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