A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:I am married and have been for over 20 years. In that time I have had a few flings, as sex with my wife has always been difficult (she was never that interested). However I decided that for the sake of my 2 children that I would never leave my wife. I left the Army after 22 years and started a career in the Health Services.For the last 19 months I have been having an affair with a work mate, she has twin girls and was unhappy in her marriage. We both said we loved each other and that we wanted to be together. My whole outlook on life changed! Even more so when she became pregnant, I said I would leave my family for her and we could be together, she told her husband about me and that she wanted a divorce. However she became more distant as the pregnancy went on, and to cut a long story short she terminated it after 15 weeks. I was devastated and was very nasty in some of the things I said to her. I found it hard to understand how she could say that she’d never loved anyone like she loves me, tell her husband and let me tell my wife and then do this to me.Since that time she has told me that it has left her devastated and that she regrets it every day. She still loves me and wants a future with me, but!Even though she has left her husband, she has slowly decided on different rules I must comply with. This means I now see her less than ever, am not allowed over to her house, can’t see her girls and am constantly let down, because she doesn’t want to upset her ex by seeing me. I was never consulted; these rules came in 1 by 1. The final straw for me was we now can’t even meet for a coffee in case her ex finds out! When I tell her how hurtful I find this, she is upset but feels I’m over sensitive?Throughout this she keeps on about sorting out her past before committing to a future.I love her, but think I maybe being taken for a mug! Any advice or comments would be gratefully received.
View related questions:
affair, divorce, her ex, her past Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (22 February 2007):
 If she wanted to see you then she would make time and wouldn't worry so much about what her former partner thought - let's face it, she made time in the past. It sounds like the relationship is doomed as you will just be resentful about the termination and it was all founded in difficult and dubious circumstances. You were both married and cheating on your respective partners. Perhaps the only good thing to come out of the mess is the fact that you did tell your wife and she had a right to know. You don't say that you have separated from your wife but I am assuming you have. There was no point staying with her for the sake of the children if you were both unhappy. Whatever the outcome of the present relationship crisis, at least you now have an opportunity to start again either as a single man or as a partner to your work colleague if you can work it out with her. Either outcome has got to be better than staying in an unhappy marriage.
A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (22 February 2007):
 It sounds to me like she's not really over her husband and may even be regretting leaving him. She's seperated from him so her life is her own now! She doesn't need to take his feelings into consideration, she's a free woman for goodness sake! If she was still living in the same house as him I could see her point but it's over between them... or is it???
I would totally back off from her for the time being. Tell her YOU need your space to think clearly. She seems very mixed up and doesn't know what she wants here. She caused you to break up with your wife in the hope of spending a new life with her and your unborn child then upsets the applecart like that! I don't know if you still have any feelings left for your wife or if reconcilliation is an option but it shouldn't be ruled out.
Let it be a lesson to you though NOT to get involved in affairs the way you have, it all goes well for a while but in the end it always ends up messy with people being hurt in the process.
Maybe you should have sat down and spent some quality time with your wife and asked her what the problem was regarding the sexual side of things. Maybe if you'd showed her more attention, made her feel good about herself and made her feel "special" she would have warmed to you more...
Eve
...............................
A
female
reader, cheesy_babe +, writes (22 February 2007):
 sounds to me like she doesn't want to go with you for her childrens sake and that she is keeping in slight touch with you because she feels bad about ruining your marriage, i think that you should leave her in my opinion i mean i know that you love her and that it will be hard but she is making you feel like this and is treating you badly so i think that you should leave her and that you will meet someone else who you love who doesn't do this to you.but if you really want to stay with her, just go to her house and fight for her, one huge romantic gesture and in the end it will show you who she chooseshope i was some helpgood luck!!!
...............................
|
