A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Thank you in advance for taking time out of your day for a stranger.Also, short disclaimer. I KNOW you should never try to CHANGE A MAN. But he has asked me to help him change, over and over I tell him I feel bad that I want him to change some things in his life and that he could find a girl that is happy with the way things are - but he says he doesn't like the man he used to be and I am helping him become a better person...I am so lost and confused...but on with the story:I have been dating this guy for a little more than a month now. I was in no way attracted to him at first (except a little physically) when I first met him. I discovered later he has a sweet personality and we clicked.****Also on a side note - I love kissing him (which is a big deal for me since I have never enjoyed kissing anyone...I don't know if this means anything).I had recently come out of an awkward week-long relationship where the guy said it was basically a mistake that we dated. Before that I had not dated for over a year. I need to be needed, week-long guy didn't need me. New guy needed/needs me. New guy had smoked pot for 3 years, cigarettes and cigars for 5 years, and had started drinking alcohol since 16. He was also a bit of an alcoholic at one point. I told him I would never consider dating a smoker - I hate smoke in any form. He decided he wanted to quit smoking and already had been off pot for a while. I liked/like him, so I am giving him a chance.Turns out he was also smoking hookah, and some fake pot, cigars and going to the bar about 3 times a week after work. I talked to him about all this - I don't have a problem with drugs or drinking - I have a problem with addictions. We agreed he would only smoke hookah and his e-cigarrette and cut down his drinking a lot. He has been doing good - last week he only smoked hookah on Wednesday, didn't drink, and rarely used his e-cig. Of course the problem is I have to take his word on all this - I can't monitor him.I wish the drugs and alcohol were the only problem. But this is where it only begins. I have my bachelor's degree, come from a fairly well-off family (my dad is an engineer and my mom stays at home), and I have a white-collar job (30 dollars an hour). I am 22 years old.He is also 22 years old. His family is doing okay financially (his dad works at a warehouse and his mom is a choir church director). He has a highschool degree and a few college credits (he started out in music and then went to ranger academy, and then environmental science - but he does not have a good school/work ethic). He does however have a good work ethic - at work. He works at a factory for about 12 dollars an hour - and is always getting scheduled overtime. He wants to go back to school - but wants to do basically blue collar work the rest of his life (he hates using his brain even though he is extremely smart).Most importantly - on top of all this - he is a Daoist and ex-Catholic. I am obviously tolerant of other religions and people - but I want the man I marry to be the same religion as me (Lutheran). I want to be strong in my marriage and faith - not divided. He has been going to church with us - but obviously you can't undo years of Catholic damage overnight (I am sorry but Catholics are a little screwy sometimes).In addition, my family is not a fan of him and I want to make my family happy too.I have a few good guys in my life - that are what I need/want (Christian, college degree, good job, etc). I'd love to think that you can live on love alone and you don't need money and what not - but America's 50% divorce rate would love to prove me wrong.I feel selfish asking for all these things - but considering I can provide all these things for him, I think it is fair that I can ask it in return. Also - my sister who is super "Type A" personality (driven with a strong work ethic) was convinced she'd never want to be a stay-at-home mom and that her husband would take care of the kid. Now that she has had a kid - she wants to be at home with her daughter.Her husband works at a retail job for a grand ol' 13 dollars an hour - he is almost 40. He is happy there and doesn't want to take care of the kid nor go back to school to get a better job. They both work full-time, my sister goes to school full-time and my mom takes care of the kid 5 days a week 8 hours a day. He also chews and has not quit - even though he said he would.This leaves my sister in a terrible situation. I DO NOT want to end up in the same situation. - I want my husband to be able to provide for me and my family (I refuse to be a mother and work full time too...it is one or the other - part time obviously is an option I can/want to pursue).He wants to make me happy, but we both know that will take time - and I hate taking a gamble on him. Plus, I want to get my life started - not put it on hold for him.I really care about this guy - but he is not what I need (the way his life is). But I am afraid if I leave him - he will fall apart - he is not one to ask for help. I don't want him to fall back into pot and throw his life away. I love him - but you can't live on love alone. I am in love with him - just not his life.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (13 October 2010):
 Like Lutherans aren't crazy too... Ha! What a joke! And don't take this as Catholic retribution either because I don't fall into that category either. You say you're tolerant of other religions but your words prove otherwise (Catholic Damage). Don't get me wrong, it's fine that you want your faith to be part of your relationship and that is something you want to share. That's natural, but why torture this guy with that? Find someone at your church who makes you happy and have that common ground to start out.
Anyway, on to your problems. You say that you love this guy after only a month. I'm curious as to how you can feel that way, especially after writing a thousand words about why you don't belong together. What you wrote aren't the words of someone in love. He obviously isn't the one for you, so you should move on. Really, he was living his life just fine without you. He had bad habits but at the same time was happy. He is doing a job he likes. He had enough money to support himself and have fun. Just because his decisions don't mesh with what you want out of life doesn't make them wrong, just wrong for you. And that brings me back to my point. You don't belong together. Break this off before it gets more serious.
Find someone who fits the model you've laid out for who you want to be with. Your gut is telling you that you don't belong with this guy, so listen to it. You may inspire change in him, or inspire him to want to be better. That's great for him, but how is that working for you? You should inspire eachother. Does he inspire anything in you?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2010): You have a lot of potential to do other things with your life than a high-maintenance relationship. That said, you care about him so much you probably won't stop worrying about him. I think you should lift the stress, talk about this in a place where you haven't argued before e.g. over a coffee, propose a plan, fit in his changes, and tell him honestly that if he can't get in control of his life you won't stay with him.
This is a true test of his ability to be a real partner to you, not just his willingness. Keep encouraging him if he's doing it though!
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