A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend is still hanging around her ex and it really hurts, but I don't want to resort to leaving her, because I do love her and believe that she loves me too. What should I do about this?You see, me and my girl are in a long distance relationship, although we know each other VERY deeply. In less than two months from now, we will have been together a whole year. Before me, however, she had two boyfriends. One for four years long distance too, and one for only six months.Well the way she broke up with her first, he didn't want to talk to her again and wouldn't answer her calls. So she had a six month thing with another guy, and then came to me.It had been over a year and a couple of months since she talked to him, which I suppose was back in April. We had been together around seven months by this time. I was okay with her getting in touch with him, because she was often very sad about HOW she broke up with him and hurt him. He's "apparently" had suicidal tendencies for the longest time. She thought he hated her, but I just knew he was still in love with her. Well... I was right. He does still love her.I thought that it would be like how she made it seem and that she would just talk to him to apologize and try to get his forgiveness, and then move on. But instead... they started talking regularly. They started talking a long time with each other, but she ensured me that it was just stuff about the past and all. He's very stubborn and said he just wasn't ready to forgive just yet.It reeeeeally pissed me off how they kept talking and she kept calling to me crying sometimes because he would call her names and such. I just comforted her, and told her she should just stop trying and tell him to stop being a baby and go whine elsewhere if he wasn't going to forgive her. He keeps making this whole "We never finished our talk" excuse, which has lasted for quite some time now. It's the flipping end of July now, but she wont stop talking to him no matter how much I express to her it is pissing me off.She even started playing PS3 games with him and such. And that really touched my nerve. We ended up getting into a LOT of arguments over this and I ended up getting to the point of yelling about how you're not supposed to hang out with an ex with your boyfriend there and how it really hurts. She should know. With her six month bf before me, she was always jealous of his ex's body. She knows it would hurt her so much if he had started talking to her again while with her. I've even compared this before, and she says she "gets it", but she never takes it to heart or stops talking to him still. When I get on the PS3 and see that she is playing with another person, who is undoubtedly him, and I call her and on the other phone line is him, I will become so infuriated that I can't control myself. I hate myself for it, but I've yelled at her and almost broken up with her for it. I just really can't take him being in her life."You're not supposed to hang out with him. If he's not going to forgive you, then stop talking to him again.""We're not doing anything, I swear! And he's the one who calls me and sends me messages.""Block him.""Oh, but I don't know how."*shows how* "Ignore him if you really can't too then. You're not obligated to do anything."And it continues like that. And the thing is that she tells me that he DOES hate me, and he does talk bad about me. I'm always angry that she doesn't use that as reason to stop talking to him. If she loved me, she would defend me, right?Just last week, she was playing with him on PS3, and I came online and sent her a message about how I thought she was done with him and would block him. She told him "I have to go," and then I got a message right after by him saying "umadbro?" She acted as if she had no idea why he would send that.Last night I learned THIS though. We were on the phone, and she told me that she knew he was going to send it, sort of. She said "I'm going to go play with Brian now." He says "Why?" She says "He's mad at me for playing with you." He says "He needs to stop being such a pansy," which STILL pisses me off that she didn't stand up for me again. Then he said "Should I send him a message saying 'umadbro?'" and she said "Fine," but she APPARENTLY didn't think that he would really send it, because he always talks about how he never wants to talk to me and would like to avoid me.That... really, really hurts. Even the fact that she learned to hug on the game she was playing with him BY him sort of hurts me too. I hate it when they even hug, and feel hurt despite if it's just 'friendly'. Just little things like that.Even a while ago when he asked her if she would have phone sex with him, she said to me that she told him "I wouldn't do that to Brian." I said "Why didn't you tell him you just didn't want to?" and she just told me that there was no pleasing me. I'm not being too difficult, am I? She made it sound like she could have wanted to, but wouldn't just because of me.And yet she STILL says that she does not get why it hurts me if nothing is going on between them. She DOES wish I would be comfortable with him as a friend of hes, because she's admitted she wants him as a close friend, but I say NO. Then she cries when we're on the verge of breaking up and saying she'll do anything to push him away for me to stay, but keeps talking to him ANYWAYS. ARRGH. Even though she says she understand, she sometimes says she doesn't understand in an argument over him later.Am I messed up in the head, or what's going on and what should I do?! Grr...
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, VSAddict +, writes (27 July 2011):
 You have a right to feel the way you do. I believe that exes can still talk, but shouldn't have this level of closeness. If he won't forgive her, then why is she still talking to him? There's no need for them to talk if he can't move on from whatever happened. And it's definitely wrong of them to talk when they both know he's in love with her. She should be standing up to you as you shouldn't be disrespected. I think there's more going on than either of them are telling because she's in constant contact with him, she doesn't care if he insults you, and she's VERY reluctant to keep him out of her life. I think you should break up with her. Even if she says she'll get rid of him when you're on the verge of breaking up, it won't happen. It never will. Move on and find someone else.
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