A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: i went on a few days away trip to the coast with my partner but when we got there he was fed up and bored and his personality changed and he became nasty saying he doesnt like going on holidays and moaning about everything. so i left him in the room as requested and spent the holiday alone walking around, getting shopping and i couldnt even get him to go in the sea or walk the promenade he would just walk off from me. back at the hotel he became more nasty and then aggressively kicked me. i sat in front of the sea and i just cried and cried i just honestly wanted to walk into the sea i felt so low. i still cant stop crying. i realise im in a abusive relationship and one where the chance of going away holidays and walking which is my favourite thing is nearing impossible,. in the end he insisted we go home so we lost money on one nights at hotel and really never got to do anything. i feel like i wasted money on this too. back home we havent even spoke the whole train journey as well. i feel in a constant state of anxiety and cannot stop crying. i am in need of help
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (20 August 2020):
 I think you know what to do; that perhaps doing it may be difficult for you, because of finances, or emotional attachment, or both , that's another matter- but you know what to do because you only have ONE sane, safe, responsible and ultimately also ethical choice , which is to leave this man. Immediately. Or, as soon as humanly possible, at least. But don't tell me you are considering continuing the relationship after that he kicked you, i.e. he abused you physically ?? Not that emotional or verbal abuse is a joke... but physical, it's the pits. The ultimate deal breaker. The point of no return. For any woman in her right mind, at least, -any woman who is even vaguely interested in her own safety.
Physical abuse very seldom is an one- off incident, in fact it tends to escalate in time. And even if ( this time ) he did not really hurt you, like he did not leave marks or broke skin... he °kicked ° you , for Pete's sake ! What are you, a dog ? ( .. Not that kicking dogs is acceptable of course. Just it happens more than kicking
a woman ! ) . How disrespectful is that ?! How sick is that ?!
So in a way,... it's easier and better for you. I mean, you don't have to waste time in pondering, evaluating, weighing pros and cons ; because he crossed lines that just cannot be crossed. So, if you are an average person with at least a minimal self-preservation instinct, the decision is one : you need to get rid of him ! At once !
If it can help you dry your tears- think that , even if you could stay together after his freakout ( which, frankly, would be insane of you ) - you still would not feel fulfilled and would not get what you want. This man does not like vacations, does not like the beach, or taking walks- he does not share any of your tastes in reference to what you do for entertainment / to lift your spirits. You 'd have to do these things alone, by yourself ( at least if you do not want to cause more scenes ! )
So- be by yourself, and enjoy your passions and passtimes, knowing that nobody will nag you, scold you or kick you for that !
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2020): Please do not be offended, but I will consider your age as part of the reason you fear leaving; and what often causes many women to hesitate leaving even the most toxic relationships.
You first have to find yourself a place for shelter, or a safe-haven. When he isn't around, you should try and contact a hotline for battered-women. You need someone to talk to in real-time. You can talk to a crisis-counselor, who will listen to you; and give you reassurance. Hotlines can suggest local shelters; if you are isolated, or too far from family. He wouldn't treat you like that; if he was aware you were close to family, or you had a tight circle of friends. I would venture to speculate he's your everything. You must have few friends, or he'd be worried you'd tell somebody. The more isolated or distant you are from friends or family; the more brazen and cruel these beasts are!!!
I'm sorry, I can't believe he wasn't always like this. Not for one minute, do I believe he has made some miraculous transformation from some sweet-guy into a devil! He was always a devil! You thought he'd change, or that's just how men are. You are better-off alone, than at the mercy of someone capable of hitting you! I don't care how ornery or irritating a woman is, no man has a right to hit a woman. There are a few ladies who can whup-ass; but they shouldn't be placed in the situation to have to by any man!
Men like you're describing don't just become like that all of sudden. They are always mean and violent. That's why they choose timid or lonely-women; because they will be too afraid to leave them, or defend themselves. They like feeling they have full-control and power in the relationship; so they choose the kind of women that surrender and submit to them. They want control, but can't control themselves and their tempers!
Contact your relatives; because you're going to have to leave him. Get tested to be sure you've had no exposure to Covid-19. Don't go into homes of elderly-people; until you are certain that you're negative for the virus.
He kicked you! That is assault! You should file a police report whenever some man physically harms you, and shows excessive-aggression. You won't leave him; because you want to keep him, hoping there's something wrong that can be fixed. That ain't your responsibility, sweetheart! He's not some previously-abused rescue-animal. He's a guy who hits women!
I am not going to sugarcoat my words. You need to be convinced that you must leave him. HE HAS TO GO!!!
He should have but one opportunity to hit you; and that should be the very last-time!!! Why should people have to talk you into leaving a man who is nasty and hit you? You have to alert someone, preferably the police that he kicked you; and then alert members of your family. Put emergency-numbers on speed-dial! If family and friends live a distance away; find strong and healthy male-family members willing to travel the distance to come help you to leave, or to escort him off the property. He has to leave, if you invited him into the home you own; or you hold the lease, and he doesn't share it. You must leave, if you moved-in with him. Pack your essentials, and have someone in the family come pick you up if you must! Comeback under police-escort to pickup your belongings at some later date; and see him in court, if he destroys your personal-property. I may be talking to myself here; but my words will empower some woman out-there going through the same-thing. All she needs is a push!
How long you've been together doesn't matter; be it 10 years, or a few months. He negated everything when he did you bodily-harm!!! A man will not hit a woman he truly loves! He couldn't bring himself to do it! He'd get help first! He will only plead for you to stay; because he doesn't want word to get-out about what he did to you! He's avoiding any consequences, and he knows no woman wants a man around like that. You won't be easily replaced. You cannot and will not change him. No, he isn't sorry! No matter how many crocodile-tears he sheds, or begs you on his woman-beating hands and knees! He is the lowest of mankind! He is an animal! A filthy coward! All he'll do is promise to get help to keep you there; but he'll keep postponing it. He'll knock your brains out before he gets help. A kick is just the beginning, if this is the only time. I know he has been verbally-abusive all along, maybe this is the first-time he has hit you. Let it be the very-last!
He's not your husband. There is nothing to hold you there. These days people alienate all their family-members with trifling disagreements and silly feuds; and they can always find some reason to depart from family, but never these rotten scoundrels they pick for boyfriends and husbands. I'm not scolding you, I'm penetrating your emotions to get to your inner-strength; so you will not just give-in and surrender to your situation. That's the hard part of advising women in your situation.
Venting and crying for help is not enough. You have to be proactive in removing yourself from the situation; and you have to seek help that can physically protect you, and give you shelter and safety. That's why you can't turn your back on family; the outside-world has no time or place for other people and their problems. Family has to be your main source of support and protection; or you must find yourself a women's-shelter. If you are at odds with family, you have to swallow your pride; because you need their help. You are with a man capable of causing you bodily harm. He is aggressive, and I'm sick of everybody blaming everything on the pandemic. People are just plain evil and nasty; and all you're guilty of is being stuck with a mean coward who hits women! It angers me in ways you can't believe, to read these kinds of stories!!! I cannot stand the thought of men bullying and hurting women, children, or old-people! It boils my blood! I've stood between men and women I know; women who chose the wrong-man. They waited too long to leave him. These were smart, beautiful, loving, and successful-women. These guys were professionals, not bums in dirty tee-shirts like you see on TV. They had a facade of respect and decency. Pure devils underneath! So I know the type!
You have to leave. May God protect you, and give you the means to save yourself.
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (19 August 2020):
 OP how long have you been in a relationship with this guy?.
This is someone that you could really do with not having in your life. He sounds like a spoilt brat, a not very nice person, and an all round jerk.
You have both been away for what was supposed to be a lovely beautiful time, to enjoy nice things, and take in the sea breeze. Instead he stayed in his room, then got nasty with you, and kicked you.
OP there are some serious alarm bells ringing here, what he did being nasty to you, then kicking you should be enough for you to want to walk away from this relationship.
You need to be strong, and you need to leave this relationship, sooner rather than later. I feel the longer you leave it the harder it will get. Next time it could be something more serious than a kick.
Confide in family and friends and tell them what you are going through, I'm sure they will be there for you, and tell you to leave him as well.
You are in a constant state of anxiety, and you can't stop crying. I know its hard, but I feel the only way for forward for you is to leave him.
You need to be strong, don't go it alone, like I say confide in close friends and family.
These people never change, sometimes you may think so, so you stick it out longer in the hope that things will get better. But these kind of people never change, and what happened on your holiday should be proof enough of the kind of man he is.
Be strong, leaving him is the only option here. You will feel like a weight has been lifted from your shoulders and you can move on with your life.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (19 August 2020):
 I'm sorry, OP
Did none of this nasty behavior show up UNTIL the vacation? Because that sounds so strange that a person can go from being decent to being like kind of asshole while on vacation. (not that I don't believe you, I just wonder if you saw this at home too and perhaps ignored some of the red flags?)
You said when you got there HE got "fed up"? With what? The place or you? If not, what else has been going on? Is he stressed about finances (maybe he felt he couldn't really afford a vacation?) (NOT that it is an excuse but it could provide some context to his actions)
If he insisted on going home, WHY didn't HE just leave and you enjoy the last day there as it was already paid for? I mean why did you CHOOSE to go home when HE said he wanted to go home? Were you scared of him?
Because I would have suggested he go home and that you would return the next day.
Now he is pulling a "silent treatment" because women (in general) wants to talk things out and he KNOWS that not talking will make you feel like you are walking on eggshells. Which means HE has all the power.
Do you two live together?
If you live together, I'd say the FIRST thing for you should be gather ALL your important documents and keep them in a safe place, with friends or family. If you have shared finances, "un-share them" as in take him off the bank account OR remove yourself and make a new one.
If you two have bought the place you live at, or pay mortgage you might need a solicitor to sort this out. Call Citizen's Bureau.
If you rent, well IF you are on the rental agreement you need to get hold of the owner and remove your name WHEN you have found a new place. I'd probably see if there are family or friends who can take you in temporarily or find a room mate situation.
IF the place is YOURS, you again I would contact Citizen's Bureau and find out WHAT you need to do in order to kick him out.
ONCE you know what you need to do, sit him down and tell him you feel the relationship has run it's course and that the vacation showed you that YOU are wrong for him, and he is wrong for you. It's over.
If you think he might be violent, maybe have someone there to keep you safe. Brother? Friends.
You can decide how long you will give him to get his stuff and get out.
OP, honey? THIS is who he is. It wasn't just the holiday, other things are going that makes him think he can take it out on you. Verbally and physically.
It sounds like he can't handle stress. I think the vacation stressed him out to a point where he made it a living hell for you, SO you won't talk about vacations ever again (with him).
Now, you might ask why I think breaking up is the right thing? Because he kicked you. Physical violence usually escalate. Next time it might be fists. Or the teakettle.
And then there is the whole, what YOU enjoy - HE hates. You aren't a good fit, OP.
If he didn't WANT to go on holiday and can't SUCK it up for you... he should have told you beforehand NOT acted like a spoiled manchild and thrown fits, kicked you and demanded you go home early.
Chin up, you know what to do, DO it.
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