A
male
age
51-59,
*hinyhappypeople13
writes:I have a question regarding variety of sex dropping off in general, and cunnilingus in particular.My wife and I have been married nine years, been together for fifteen. No kids. When we were first got together we were quite open to most "standard" sexual practices, ie oral, vaginal, manual. But over the years, the sex has dropped off like many couples. However, I would say the variety has also decreased. I'd say from "Chocolate" to "Vanilla" She doesn't seem to be interested in anything other than straight vanilla sex. I used to get blow jobs fairly routinely, and I always was good about reciprocating for her. But at the time she never seemed to be too excited about getting head herself. Kind of a "take it or leave it attitude. Over the last four years, I can count about, oh, twenty times she's gone down on me, but when it comes to me going down on her, I could count the times on one hand. The reason that she says she doesn't like to perform fellatio is "try putting something that big in your mouth." (I'm well within male norms, quite average and she never used to complain about my size)When it comes to cunnilingus, it gets trickier. She's overly sensitive and no matter how gentle I try to be, she actually will laugh out loud when I'm down there. Not fun for her and embarrassing for me. She said that it's off the menu, most likely permanently, and she'd just not interested. Also it is something that I enjoy(ed), though I rarely got a chance to do it. Maybe I'm romanticizing it, and if I did it regularly, it'd be a chore, but that's beside the pointSo here's the question. Is it unreasonable for me to: Expect more blowjobs when I don't reciprocate? BUT, I can't reciprocate because she doesn't like it anyway. Is there any way to make it more enjoyable for her and less "chore-like," more fun? Am I stuck? Oral sex is obviously something that 99.99% of men like, and I'm no exception. But it's unfair of me to desire something that she doesn't enjoy giving or receiving?Thanks loads.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2009): When she said the twice a week thing, she might be thinking 'If I tell him whenever you want it, then it's pressure for me to do it on demand--and it takes the thrill/desire away' Besides, it's not exciting if it's all-the-time...too much of a good thing isn't good anymore right?
How about asking her for an occasional fantasy weekend or night? Sex all night long...massages...she's 'not allowed' to do housework :)
It's a compromise, but something to look forward to.
A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (19 January 2009):
 One more thought that comes to me is that younger men and women in the early phase of a marriage (first 10 to 15 years) probably do not realize that, almost inevitably, an insidious factor will begin to affect the relationship. It is called FAMILIARITY. It means that all the newness factors have declined, that things have mostly become routine, and unfortunately, the excitement levels have diminished or practically disappeared. It can affect much more than just the sex life. It can ruin some marriages, as I think it did one of mine.
Familiarity is pretty much universal and begins to gel sometime between about the tenth or twentieth year. It has been the topic in jokes, books, movies, cartoons and probably just about every marriage counseling session, even if the term "familiarity" is not mentioned. It is, nevertheless, the root of most marriage problems, in my opinion.
It causes husbands and wives to sometimes stray, looking for that lost excitement; it causes boredom, which is why many guys end up as beer-drinking couch potatoes, and many wives to begin harping about the housework or whatever.
In my opinion, the problem of overcoming or counterbalancing familiarity is main challenge to most couples at some point during their marriages. Some figure out a way to do it, and some obviously do not. You say that you have a great relationship. Good, now work at keeping it that way. Good wishes.
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A
female
reader, Felina  +, writes (19 January 2009):
 I see what you mean.
Well,I also feel sometimes really horny all day long and masturbate a lot,but there are also some times I´m just not in to sex.I dont know if it´s hormonal or just my moods.
Perhaps you should try harder to make her feel horny.I also went trough a dificult fase.I think both of us just got tired of the same sex and kind of entered in a routine.He wouldn t do much about it,and we had several ugly discussions about it.
So,I tought about it a lot,and I actually found a solution.Very gently,I started to talk a lot about sex.About my kinky fantasies,about me being a little lesbian,about group sex and crazy stuff.I got him to share some of his fantasies as well.We both got really into sex again,feeling hungry for each other.We never got to do any of our wild fantasies,but talking and sharing created an intimate relation between us,wich I never had with other man.
So maybe you just need to find out the right way to comunicate with her.Maybe take her out for drinks,and try to have a diferent conversation.Don´t be agressive and dont pressure her.Just chat along and see where it takes you.
However,my relationship is only one year old.I know youre situation is not exactly like mine,but just give it a try.
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A
male
reader, shinyhappypeople13 +, writes (19 January 2009):
shinyhappypeople13 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the replies. I have to say that I appreciate the suggestion of Felina. You happen to be right about the interest in sex at all. That has dropped off over the years, and I've just accepted it was a natural function of being together for years. It's frustrating, to say the least.
She (my wife) knows that I still have desire and a sex drive, but she doesn't seem to be interested in much of anything (sexually) anymore. It's easy for a guy to say, "well, that's a female sexual desire problem. What's wrong with her?" I'm not so self-centered to believe that it's her problem. Clearly it's OUR problem. Perhaps I shouldn't view it as a problem, but when you're talking on the order of years, rather than months or weeks, it's a chronic problem.
To complicate things, and I'm being as honest as I can here, I don't think that we have any serious "non-bedroom" issues. We have great open conversations about our hopes and dreams for the future, political discussions, love to hang out with each other, are supportive of each other during hard times and not. In short, our relationship outside of the bedroom is not perfect, but about as close to it as is possible. I'm wracking my brain to try to figure out what could be an out of the bedroom issue.
But, strangely, when we do talk about sex, that's when the good communication falls apart. I asked her if she was still interested in sex, and if she had a sex drive? She said that she gets horny about twice a week, and asked me if that was a good compromise. I sense that the use of the word "compromise" suggests that her proclamation of desire twice a week was more to placate me than a real expression of interest and desire, and that's about the un-sexiest thing I can think of.
I don't want to be indulged, I want REAL interest. If it was only about expressing my sexual frustration, I could (and will) continue to masturbate as I did when I was single. No "poor me," I would just love to go back to having "the whole package." But bringing up the issue stirs the pot and makes for ripples in the rest of our otherwise happy relationship, and that I will NOT mess up.
Again, is this an expression of my selfishness? I hope not, but maybe this is typical "guy thinking" of the sort where we want to solve every problem like an equation. Ah well, enough of my chatter. Thanks for the advice so far.
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A
female
reader, MommyOfOne +, writes (19 January 2009):
 I must say that DoubleM has hit the nail on the head. That was a perfect answer!!!
Never push and push when a girl says she doesn't like something sexual. It will just make matters worse.
Follow DoubleM's answer. Your out come, more that likely, will be what he described.
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A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (19 January 2009):
If I was in the situation as described, I think it might be a good idea to go along with her for a good while and back-off on any demands. In other words, if she prefers "vanilla sex" then so be it. Offer nothing else, and although you may miss it for a few months, no more blow jobs either.
To relate a possibly similar experience, one of my exes suddenly began to question swallowing after several months with no prior complaints. My reaction was to simply say, "Well okay, no problem." But I also stopped offering cunnilingus, which I think is only fair. We could both easily climax via intercourse - either simultaneously or her first. After three months, however, she was right back to sucking-me-off after her orgasms, and I had asked for nothing. Cunnilingus was promptly resumed as well - I think that she had begun to miss the multiples.
For awhile, we were back to normal and little was ever said about the changes she once requested. We later went our separate ways over other issues, but even after the break-up, she continued initiating visits for sex "only" until I ended it. You may find that your woman will also change her mind after you play along with a few months of vanilla sex, or you may discover, as "Felina" suggested, that something else is going on. I hope not.
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A
female
reader, Felina +, writes (19 January 2009):
Hi!Well I don´t think the main problem is the lack of oral sex.I think you must deeg deeper and find out what´s really going on.
I think maybe she´s just not very interested in having sex at all.Oral sex is a very nice way to give and get pleasure,and ofcourse needs both of you to feel hot and horny while you´re at it.
Maybe a good long chat with her will help.See why she´s not interested anymore.Maybe you need to try something diferent.You refered ice cream flavours...So maybe you need to add to the vanilla some cream and a cherry on top.What I mean is,maybe you should try something diferent with her....Something kinky,maybe some porn or other wild ideas.
Do not limit yourself to as for a blowjob...Talk to her and try to find something that will turn her on.Maybe if you do it will make a "click",and she will be all horny going down on you again.
Good luck!Hope I helped
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A
female
reader, PunkyPippi +, writes (19 January 2009):
 I don't think it's unfair for you to desire it, but you can't make her do it. I don't like giving head because of the pre-ejaculate that comes out. So, I use this stuff called "head job" that tastes like cinnamon, and it's delightful, really. Maybe you guys could arrange a trade agreement. Ask her what could entice the experience for her. I would look at some sex toy web sites and see what they offer once you see what her drawback is on giving you head.
As far as cunnilingus, I'm not a fan of that either. My husband asked me about it and why I don't like it, but my question is "Why do you want to do something to me that I'm not interested in?" It just doesn't do anything for me. Maybe your wife is the same.
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