A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I’m in desperate need of help, I’ve been with my baby daddy for 5 years. On and off he’s put me through a lot We have been through so many things. The reason why I keep getting back with him is because I wanted to give our 3 year old son the best life. And that to me is him having both parents together. My baby daddy still lives at his parents house. We’ve been there for 5 years... his financial situation isn’t the best and I haven’t been able to have a steady job because I’ve been my sons full time caretaker. When we break up I come and stay at my parents house my room my clothes everything is here. My parents they do help me a lot and I do appreciate them but the problem is they are middle eastern and they give me no freedom they say that if I don’t stay with baby daddy I’m not ever allowed to move on. All my life they have told me I shouldn’t have friends and that going out is bad they literally expect me to stay home all day or work. They consistently put me down and tell me things like I have shamed their name with the decisions I’ve made in my life. The constantly compare me to my cousins and others... I really wish I did not have to live with them because right now I’m forced to because I’m a single mom. We constantly don’t get along Currently I’m in the process of trying to get my child enrolled into a government paid school so I can go find a job but life in Los Angeles is so expensive I just need some words of wisdom and advice please be kind because my parents mental abuse is definitely hurts me daily and forces me to go back to baby daddy every time . And the cycle continues
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cousin, live with my parents, middle eastern, move on Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2020): I want to reiterate what somebody just said: the worst thing you could do at the moment is get pregnant again.
You need to figure out what you are good at and what job will make you happy. Then just get a starter job and work towards your ideal one.
If I were you, when your parents yell at you, I would smile at them and say "I'm sorry about the past, I'm going to work towards a better life." It's hard to keep yelling at somebody who is smiling.
Do you have a friend or relative in another state? California is indeed one of the most expensive. You could save up to move and at least the prospect of temporarily getting away from your unhappy parents might be nice.
Best of luck!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2020): Well then my comment to you is a easy one......get a job any job will do but until you get a job nothing will change.And get yourself on the pill.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (9 January 2020):
 I'm sure your parents are unhappy having you live with them as well. IT goes both ways.
You KNOW what the culture your parents are from, you grew UP with knowing the rules, even if you disregarded them and got pregnant outside of marriage. They are not suddenly going to change how they see the World, whether you agree or not.
You are a single mom, so there ARE options. Section 8, Hud Housing etc. Though some of them REQUIRE you to have a job and pay a small amount of rent and utilities to live there.
Look into day care cost in your area. So you know what you AT LEAST need to make to cover those costs. Do you drive? If not that is ANOTHER thing you need to figure out. IF you can get a job HOW would you get there (on your own), how you you drop off and pick up your child?
The father of your child is still ACTING like a child, living with his parents. If he can't take care of himself HOW on Earth did you think he can take care of you and a kid?
Accept that your parents say what they say and LET IT ROLL of your back, because you can't UNDO a child. You can't change the past, you can ONLY move forward. While I GET it IS unpleasant to hear that you have failed them, shamed them, it is also THEIR truth. You HAVE. OWN it and work on making a BETTER future for yourself and your child.
Some schools have daycare for their single moms, so THAT is something to consider. If there is an unemployment office nearby make an appointment and GO talk to someone about your options. And consider filing for child support.
You can't BLAME your parents or their background for YOU being unhappy with your current situation. They are who they are, and even IF they feel you failed them they are STILL taking care of you and giving you a roof over your head. (Not saying that they understand you but they DO CARE what happens to you, failure or not) YOU are in charge of your life, to a degree. Figure out in which direction you would like to go and see how you can make it happen.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (9 January 2020):
 It is not best for your child to have their parents together if they aren’t actually compatible. Breaking up and getting back together repeatedly is worse for your child than just staying broken up.
Stay with your parents and get a job. Save up. Move out. They shouldn’t be able to stop you moving out if you can afford to by yourself. This may take a year or more, but you got yourself into this mess with the help of this guy and freedom was part of the problem. You are a mother, not a “free bird” who should do whatever she wants. It really should be 99% about your child or work, rather than going out and potentially ending up in the same position with an extra baby.
Don’t get me wrong, your parents are being strict, but you made unwise decisions and they still allow you to live with them. You made your choices and they come with consequences - sadly, shaming is part of that in some cultures. You knew this when you risked pregnancy before marriage - your parents didn’t only recently have these views.
Time to stop thinking about yourself for a while. Focus on your son and a job - that’s it. If you want friends, that’s okay, but maybe you should stick to Mum groups that you take your kids to until you can afford to move out.
Middle Eastern or not, many parents would be hard on their adult child who has a history of making irresponsible decisions. Until you prove that you’re beyond that, you will have stricter rules put on you. Perhaps not following common sense rules is what led you here and some rules are necessary for you to turn your life around for yourself and your son.
Ditch “baby daddy” permanently (aside from legally binding child support and visitation!). Appreciate the lifeline your parents are giving you, even if some of their understandable comments frustrate you. Get a job. Move out. Be responsible. Learn from your poor decisions and don’t repeat them. Make your son proud. Make your parents proud. Make YOURSELF proud, though making yourself proud should be linked to doing things that your son and parents would be proud of, not just whatever you want to do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2020): To tell you the truth, I am extremely surprised that you had a child out of wedlock; having middle eastern parents!
Insisting that your baby-daddy be a father is commendable; but I have to wonder. Is it really for the child's sake, or yours? A toddler doesn't know much from anything, and it works better when the man you live with is your husband. That makes it tougher for him to just step-out and abandon his wife and kids. It leaves you legal-recourse to force him to fulfill his financial and moral-obligations to his family. Is that what your parents keep reminding you, that you're claiming as being mental-abuse?
Your parents love you, and being of mid-eastern heritage; you crossed the line having premarital-sex. Now you're facing the consequences of bringing a child into the world with a no-count boyfriend; who leaves you to embarrass your parents among your relatives. They themselves get ostracized for breaking cultural-tradition by the religious-community. You get only half what they get; because they're trying to shelter you from it. What you hate is being reminded of your poor choices.
You may be calling it mental-abuse; but if they are as abusive as you say, it baffles me that you got pregnant with such strict traditional-parents. That on top of living with a man, while unmarried. I have an Iranian brother-in-law, and quite a few middle eastern acquaintances; and I know how protective their families are over the females and girls.
Your parents are helping you out. Going from bad to worse tells more about you than about them. They take care of you, he doesn't. He leaves you homeless and helpless, they took you in. He's not even trying to support you, or his own child. What makes you think he'll keep taking you back?
Stay put, until you get yourself a job earning enough to support the both of you. Behave as you were raised by your parents; respect them, and you will diffuse some of the tension between you. They see you as rebellious, making bad-choices, and showing little respect for yourself. That not only reflects on you; but your family as well. You don't want to own any responsibility, but be soft-talked and coddled; when you've got to be persuaded to make better choices for you and your baby.
Going back to him is hedging on homelessness and abandonment. I don't believe your parents are abusing you. They're protecting and parenting you; because you make poor decisions. Of course, a rebellious-daughter who gets scolded for bad-behavior doesn't want admonishment! You are an adult and they will speak to you as such! If you are difficult to convince; then the language must be firm and more assertive to make an impact! If you close you ears, they'll turn-up the volume!
They know no other way to preserve your respect from the community, and keep you safe, but to overprotect you. You're grown, so that makes it harder; when you repeat your mistakes in spite of the getting the same bad results. You'll end-up with yet another kid with that guy! He's a bum!
Give them something to be proud of. Give yourself and your child something you can be proud of. Make better decisions. Be grateful for a roof over your head, and food on the table. Parents only fuss when they see their parenting is failing. They're more disappointed in themselves than with you, my dear. Expect some gratuitous venting. It's their house! Wait until yours is your age!
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (9 January 2020):
 Forget the dead beat dad, he has already proven himself to be totally useless at parenting, especially after 3 years and still unemployed and living with HIS parents.
Your parents obviously care for you, even if you do feel they are constantly critical, if they didn't you wouldn't be living at their house.
You are not stuck in a cycle unless you chose to be. You are in an ideal position to make and carry out plans for the future. You have secure housing and people who are willing to support you.
Start saving every penny and make a plan to move out and be totally self sufficient. Talk to your parents about it, I am sure if they can see you are seriously making plans for your and your child's futures they will support you through this. You have live in baby sitters, so get a job and take some extra night school classes, move forward.
And stop blaming your parents for your bad choices, there is no need for you to go back to your child's father, he cant support you, and stop calling him your "baby daddy". He is your child's father …. maybe if you didn't hang such a silly name tag on him he might step up and behave like a father instead of a caricature.
Good luck.
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