A
female
age
36-40,
*1sha
writes:My boyfriend of 18 months is Egyptian Muslim and I am Muslim in Britain. His father died several years ago and his mother is very controlling. He has 2 sisters and a brother. His brother is spiteful at times but my boyfriend is very close to him and they live together. His mother often visits and searches the house for evidence that girls have been there as his brother also has a ‘secret girlfriend’ that my boyfriend doesn’t approve of. My boyfriend always seems to do what his mother asks of him. During a recent holiday he got loads of texts from his family saying that they found girls clothes and cigarettes in his house. His brother had told them it must be mine, but they are definitely not, as I don’t smoke but I know that his girlfriend does! My boyfriend has only just introduced the idea that he has a girlfriend to his mother in November. He became really stressed that they were angry with him which made me really upset as it made me think that maybe he won’t be able to handle the stress if he decides to introduce me to his family. They calmed down after he spoke to them in private but I don’t know what he said to them - if he claimed ignorance or if he defended me. I told him that I thought his brother was malicious and that his sisters were childish for telling tales on him. I told him that his mother was crazy and controlling. I was upset and frustrated. I would like to marry this man and we have spoken about it on many occasions over the past year. He seems to be back on good terms with his family again now. I wasn’t able to sleep for a few days as I was upset about all of this and the fact that he is going to be in another country for 2 months which annoyed him further but I just told him that I was upset that he was going to be away for a while. As I was in the airport about to leave I asked him if he thought we would be ok this year and he would be able to handle his mothers’ craziness as I can see that she is very tenacious. He became very quiet and disturbed. He told me that he would fight for us and that he agreed that she was tenacious but he is tenacious too. I felt really bad for asking him this and apologized to him telling him that I wasn’t worried about our relationship but I was worried about her. He seemed to understand but I think he was very hurt but my question. What should I do now if anything? I am visiting him again next weekend. Do you think I over-reacted?
View related questions:
has a girlfriend, muslim, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (11 January 2011):
 Well, maybe you'd be upset too if he had called your mom crazy :) Mothers are a sensitive issue for everybody, and particularly for males .From any culture.
Anyway, correct me if I am wrong, I have got the feeling that you are someone born in a British family and converted. Otherwise you'd know more, and you'd be less surprised, about the structure and spoken and unspoken rules of families and parental authority in Muslim countries, particularly the North African ones ( Egypt, Tunisia, Morocco, Algeria ...)
They are very cohesive, very protective of their unity, and the grade of family members 's involvement in each other life is simply amazing for a Western mentality.
Everybody is always looking after ( or, for an European mentality , always butting into ) everybody's else business. I have a North African friend who is totally Westernized, left home at age 16, is a grown up man now,
and it's the portrait of cockyness and assertiveness - let him go home and visit, and it's all another story. He wears an ear ring, and he takes it off to go see his father ,who otherwise would have a fit . He got a small tattoo on his upper arm- and none of his older brothers has seen him sleeveless since, because they would not approve. Any decision , even not a momentous one like getting married, but simply like buying a car or a new PC, makes the rounds of all siblings and in laws for consultation and approval.
I don't mean this in a disrespectful, deprecating way. It's obvious that this kind of close-knittedness has its advantages in terms of emotional, psychological and practical support. It's just different... and it's something to be reckoned with if you are gonna be part of this kind of family.
It's a good thing that he spoke about you to his family, and he is not "hiding " you. But now, in his mind- even if he won't confess it to you - they also have to like you. He is not gonna say : You know what, I am gonna marry this British chick, if you don't like it, tough luck.
He'll probably try to slowly,gradually and diplomatically
get their seal of approval for you. And this seal of approval is most likely to be given to a "good " girl who does not smoke, does not leave her clothes at her boyfriend's house ( shocking evidence of her "haram " sexual lifestyle ) and does not call her MIL crazy and controlling...:)
Of course I may be wrong, and maybe you are a third ,even fourth,generation British Muslim that has grown up in a "modern " , totally westernized family. But also in this case, don't be surprised , "integration", for good and for bad, goes at a different pace in different ethnic groups...
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2011): i deffinately dont think you over reacted. i think its time this man made a decision....either he is going to face the music and make your relationship public or you have to end it. i think 18 months is plenty of time for him to get to know you and know if your relationship is worth the fight. i also feel that he is conidering your feelings last in the entire scenario and thats not right. im not muslim but i know how some muslim parents can be and i understand this is hard for your man, but sometimes you have to stand up and be counted....especially if you love someone. if he doesnt have enough respect for you to stand up for you then you must. good luck xx
...............................
|
