A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My best friend is in a relationship with a guy who does not treat her very well. He is always making promises (dates, trips, engagement, etc.) and letting her down. He's taken vacations by himself (to Cancun during college spring break to "relax"), has hobbies/friends/events he doesn't allow her to be a part of, and puts limits on the time they can spend together(which she rationalizes as him just not having grown up with those things). Most recently, she moved to the city where he was looking for a new job so they could be together long-term. Again, telling her last-minute, he took a job elsewhere, outside of the continental US. He promised her he'd propose (again) which made her ok with the decision, and then right before he moved, he said he wasn't ready to get married or have her move there. Now he is telling her perhaps in a few months, once he's settled in, they can move forward. Friends and family have expressed concern, but she thinks everything will get better once they're married--so she's holding out for that end prize. My question: Do I voice my same concerns when she asks, or do I continue to offer my unconditional friendship and support? I don't want to see her in constant pain, or in an unhappy marriage if things don't change, but I question whether it's my place to intrude on someone else's relationship. Any thoughts or solutions from similar experiences would be so helpful!
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female
reader, PatientlyWaiting1 +, writes (9 January 2011):
I feel it is okay to voice your opinion. I do not think he is a bad guy, he sounds like he is inconsiderate because he is wrapped up in his own life. Nothing is wrong with that. What you could tell her is to talk to him about bettering their communication. For him to tell him last minute about him taking another job is extremely bad communication. That is the advice you should give to your friend. It is great that he is being honest, if he is not ready for certain things then she should respect that. At one point in time he may have felt ready, maybe she turned him off in some way. But, it all boils down to communication.
A
female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (9 January 2011):
 hi
i know its hard coz you don't wanna look like the bad guy and she might resent you if you bad-mouth him. for her sake, she needs someone who will be honest with her rather than just placate her with comforting words. maybe the best balance to strike here is that if she asks you what you think; tell her, but if she doesn't ask; leave her to it, as long as you are a good friend and be there for her if it all goes wrong. also be there for her just for good times and company, your friendship will give her something else in her life rather than just put all her time and energy into this relationship with him that seems to be going nowhere, from what you've said. if she is having problems suggest that she posts it on DC to get some impartial advice, maybe from people who have been through the same thing. i find that some people, no matter how bad things are, will stay with the partner, making excuses, blaming their self, thinking they deserve no better, but hopefully one day they wake up and realise 'enough is enough'
xx
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