A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello everyone,Im hoping that someone out there can offer some advice..I've been with my boy for over three years and I am utterly in love with him, however he doesn't seem to appreciate me or acknowledge anything I do, he insists that he does.. but I really don't feel it. For example it was his birthday recently, and as a present, i made a big hamper of things that he wanted, and even covered the box in wrapping paper to suit the "theme" i created, and when I gave it to him, he was just like "thanks babe.." and that was it. I also got him a cake made with a photo on it of him as a baby.. and again "thanks". Do you think I am disappointed because i'm not getting the reaction that I want? I have realised that I'm the one that puts the effort in completely in the relationship. Can it ever be shared, or does there have to be the one that does that little bit more? Help me please x Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (9 July 2008):
Well it says you are 16 to 17, so I am guessing he is too.
Perhaps, as a teenage boy, he is just overwhelmed by the distance you go to with these things. Or perhaps he has been spoiled by his parents so he's just used to this amount of perfection and just expects it every time.
You can either put up with it and put less effort in so you don't feel so let down... or you can leave and find someone who is really happy to have such a caring girlfriend. Just tell him you are going to stop putting the effort in since he doesn't bother or care when you do. Focus on putting your thoughfulness and creativity into other things or make a big fuss over friend's birthdays instead.
Good Luck!! xx
A
female
reader, PractiGal +, writes (9 July 2008):
 You can both be "right" in this situation. And you can both be "wrong". I think the issue is that you believe that your big, Hollywood-style surprises for him are a base line, a yardstick of affection, and he appears not to.
Your gestures are certainly grand and you sound disappointed because he doesn't respond in kind, but have you considered that that just may be the sort of man he is? Maybe instead of a "theme" birthday he would have been just as happy with a small token, given quietly, and you could have saved yourself some hurt feelings (not to mention money and time).
Don't think I'm making you the villain in this piece, please. If anything, I'm inclined to do similar to you. But you seem to think that if your boyfriend's response isn't as massive and overwhelming as your gift to him, that he's somehow letting you down. Maybe you are expecting too much of him or maybe he just doesn't know how to show such a high level of appreciation. It could be something as simple as, he might be embarrassed that you went to so much trouble for little ole him.
Next time there's an event where you're inclined to go over the top, stop yourself for a moment and bounce the idea off him. You can do that without spoiling the surprise. Let him be part of the planning and then step back and see if his enthusiasm is as high as yours. If not, try some gentle probing: "Do you think it's too much? You seem hesitant."
In the end, it comes down to expectation. You may be wanting too much, or he may be giving too little. Both of you are OK with your expectations, but you could both be wrong if you try to force yours on the other person. Try to scale yourself back a little and talk with him, see if he can generate a bit more enthusiasm and appreciation. That's part of good relationships.
Take care!
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