A
male
age
51-59,
*astygerman
writes:Hi, Really need some advice and help, feel as if my heart is being ripped to spreads. I'm a trucker and met a wonderful gay guy 'T' 6 months ago, his into fantasy and hi viz' etc, I wasn't but went with the flow, trying to please, and get enjoyment because he does, well...it's not about the sex part. It's about finding out he still uses Gaydar still, I knew he was from day 1, but accepted he saying he still had friends on there, and only chats, no need to think any other, because we get on like the house on fire, so so in love, and I know how much he loves me, but because of distance (40 miles) I can only come weekends, so he's free in the week, and this is where we come too, I've only just found out, but has it been going on since we met? How did I find out? Generally and totally truthfully, I opened a Gaydar account with random pic and profile only to see if he had put on his profile partnered, genuine truth, but he started contact, and I went on to to get a future meeting, and what he wanted to do to me. He told me (the profile) that he had a boyfriend, and that he really loved me, and I was good to him, but he still wanted to meet. I pulled out of it of course, but I got what I didn't want, that he's meeting guys for sex. What should I do, I absolutely in love with him, he makes me smile and laugh, we talk about me changing my job and all and moving in eventually...do I confront, I'm scared to hell to lose him. I love him so so much....he's a lot older than me, but that's my preference. Yes some will say, you shouldn't of done a profile and nosed, but it really was to see if he had put partnered on as we are in love, I truely believe that. Sometimes what you don't know I know, don't hurt you. I'm in tatters. Thanks S Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Nastygerman +, writes (28 October 2016):
Nastygerman is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so so much for the last message, and all messages, your kindness finding the time to reply. Thank you. I do have something to say on the matter... he said he knew it was me all along, and he said he went along with it to teach me a lesson, said maybe he shouldn't of carried it onto long, but he did. He sent a message saying nice try S (me), and said that this could push us further away, but after speaking to him, he said funny thing is, this could bring us closer together. He said he has friends on the site going back 14 years, like pen pals, and he said that's all they are, he said and said that I know this, and his exs that he gets on with all his exs, he does, met 3 of them. He said he would change the profile to partnered, which is what I just wanted to see. He is a friendly guy, and talks to loads of friends etc. He said there's only me stupid, and he doesn't do things like this, and his ex that I see every weekend, lovely guy, but still weird being around an ex, but his know him for 50 years and are like brothers. Am I the gulable one to accept it, I have and have too, love him, need him, but like one said, I will be vigilant. His ex did say to me that you (I) are the best thing that's ever happened to him, and he doesn't do things like this. He really doesn't seem the type to go around cheating, I do know his values. Religious and we go to church every week. Said his thought it was suspicious from the very start, then I (profile), talking about partner, and all words I was saying was you, about honour and values, knewing it was me. I've just and have accepted, but it's planted in my head now that its feasible. We'll start with change of profile to partnered. And see. Me...like I did when I met him, showed him my commitment but deleting my profiles and showed him deleted. My belief, why the hell do you need anything live, friend basis or not. But I don't wanna sound pushy or possessive and ask to delete. Weird one??? Thank you all for your kindness.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2016): I am very sad for you. It is a very tough thing to go through. Shoots your self esteem down into the toilet and you feel so terrible about yourself. And alone. Like you are not good enough. Or you have not done everything you possibly could to keep him happy. But stop right there. YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH. It is the cheater who is NOT good enough. It is the cheater who is NOT worthy of your love. Not the other way around.What a blow to know the man you love is willing to sleep with other men. It's just sex, he would say?No, it isn't. It isn't just sex. Every time he does it or has intent to do it, he is driving a sledgehammer through your heart. If it's just sex he wants, he should remain single and have no ties to anybody. And not have the responsibility of purposely hurting another human being.He is selfish and not concerned at all about your feelings. He is more concerned about how entitled he is to get whatever he wants.He can clearly compartmentalize. What a horrible quality in a partner. It's flat out dangerous.I am not sure how anyone can do that and not feel bad? Or go back to their partner and their lives like nothing happened. Well, there are a few scenarios that can play out. What you can do is remain with him and hope he will change. Which will probably never happen. Even if you confront him and beg and plead with him not to do it ever again, he will agree to keep you but he will end up doing it behind your back. And the worry, anxiety and emotional turmoil you will feel will take a toll on your overall health and send you into a deep depression. You will be checking his every move. You will have to live on pins and needles wondering if he is on the computer too late or for too long. If he comes home from work late. If he goes to an event without you. It will be totally exhausting to have to POLICE your partner all the time. And you will become overly possessive. All this would drive him away eventually anyway. It is not the way to live. They say love conquers all and so many people stay with partners who are not as committed to the relationship as they are, hoping, hoping, hoping.... but nothing changes. They only end up hurting themselves. Sometimes you must break your own heart. I know that sounds harsh and not what you would want to hear. But I've been there. And hanging on only hurts you more and more each day until you have a break down. While he continues happily cheating. If he loved you, he would not cheat. If he cared about you suffering from worry and anxiety and trust issues, he would stop dead in his tracks, even if he made a mistake. He would realize it was wrong and how badly he hurt you and be truly sorry and remorseful and change his ways. But I am really skeptical this would happen. This man seems to have some thrill seeking side to him and an insatiable sex drive. Some people are hard wired that way. You can say the wrong way. You will never change their behaviour. Especially if he sees nothing wrong with it - ie. meaningless recreational sex - and has been doing this for a very long time. And separates that life from his life with you.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (27 October 2016):
 Well you know he's open to the idea of cheating so why are you scared of losing him?
This man doesn't value you the same that you value him and that's shown by the fact he still openly uses dating sites and you've seen first hand that he's willing to meet other men for sex.
This is only going to end in heartbreak for you I'm afraid, I can't see him changing his ways without you confronting him but then you'll have to own up to snooping and creating a fake profile.
Even if you confront him I don't think he will change, we see stories like this all the time on this website of partners swearing they'll change only to be caught at it again. I think you'd be much better off leaving this man and finding someone who is as committed to the relationship as you're being.
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A
male
reader, Nastygerman +, writes (27 October 2016):
Nastygerman is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for you kind and understanding words, I know what your saying, I do have a big decision to make. I'm not very often in love, and I just don't want to lose something. Further to the chats 'T' said he did love me, (not profile me), then wasn't sure if he fully loved me, and also said he wanted to meet me to see if we could get on, and meet for a drink, I asked for his address, he didn't want to give, wanted to meet me at a pub first and see how we got on. I asked him if he had cheated ever on his boyfriend, he said never before, one question I asked T was why, he said I was overweight, something we always discussed, but I never really thought he resented. We've texted today and still send the usual love and kisses as if nothing wrong. The words to this profile could be just chit chat rubbish, maybe we all say rubbish to our friends etc, am I kidding myself? His just said his sister has invited us over for Christmas dinner and said if she's done that then she likes you, and your in with the family and accepted you as my other half, T said that. I have a family and friends now that I see every weekend,and so far it's been confirmed he has never cheated on me, but will he I know. If I confronted him, would he agree not too, or would he say go then?Can't bear losing him. Its brilliant when we're together, but in the week, he's retired and can do this again?Thank you for reading, think I'm confusing myself now.
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A
female
reader, followtheblackrabbit  +, writes (27 October 2016):
 Sounds like he's not ready to retire the single life yet...It's tough not being able to see the person you love often but hey, at least you had weekends together which is more that a lot of long distance lovers can have! You seem like you genuinely had feelings and wanted this to work. So now, you have to decide where the line is for you.
I believe in love but I don't believe in love that comes with constant heartbreak. If he's meeting other men, he's also putting you at risk of not only heartbreak but STIs. If he truly loved you, he'd think of your well-being as a priority. He may have admitted to loving you to your fake persona but at the same time, he was still very eager to meet your fake profile for sex and make no mistake, he would have met the man and he would have done it.
The ball is in your court. You can confront him and then, try to see if things can work out-if you can forgive him. Or you can walk away and heal our heartbreak. Neither option is easy. I would say take some time to think things through before choosing an option.
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