A
female
age
36-40,
*razy Fox
writes:Hi there,I have a got a question and would really love your feedback or any kind of advice if possible. I have been in relationship on distance for about 3 years, of course it's been hard we couldn't see each other often, but at least we would speak every day which was better than nothing! Well I must admit that I am mentally unstable from time to time and this relationship didn't improve me. I have been in constant depression 'cause I couldn't be with my beloved one and would always take it out on him and at certain times I would try to break up with him, but not 'cause I wanted to..'just cause I was angry and I couldn't control myself. I know it's something I need to have a better control of. Well anytime he would lift me up from my lowest state of mind and wouldn't let me go. Sorry, don't want to bore you to death. Here is my bitter-sweet bit. We went on amazing holidays - he proposed and of course I agreed and we were happy, then again we had to go to different countries. We started planning our wed, finances and me moving to his country for good, but oh, again the same thing has happened, we had a fight and I told him I didn't want him anymore. You all must think I am a heartless soul and I should go to hell. I want him back. I know I have messed up. It's been 1 month, this time he doesn't want me back, he says he is "numb" and doesn't feel a thing for me anymore. But I feel like he is fighting with himself, the last time we spoke he said he needed some time, how long he wouldn't know. I am sure he is scared and I can't blame anybody else but me. He doesn't want to speak with me and all the usual. I run out of options, I can't do much here on distance, I can't even visit his country just out of the blue. I don't know how to put things right. I have been absolutely insane for the last month. I wrote him all these love letters and stuff - I honestly can't sit here and keep silence. I can feel him slipping away from me. It's awful. I know my own mistakes - I have admitted all of them and asked for forgiveness. I told him I would keep the ring on my finder and I am still wearing it and I don't want anything else but finally a new beginning of our lives, the one we have been dreaming of for the last 3 years, and the practice showed that we were much better and stronger when we were together. He said I shouldn't raise my hopes too high. Am I definitely doomed?Regards,Crazy Fox
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (11 January 2012):
Hi. Thanks - No worries. I'll answer it there.
A
female
reader, Crazy Fox +, writes (10 January 2012):
Crazy Fox is verified as being by the original poster of the question Hey Dorothy,
Thanks so much for your reply once again. I will drop you an email. Hope you don't mind.
Regards,
Crazy Fox
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (9 January 2012):
Hi. He seems to be doubtful and slightly unsure, and you also have some doubt.
It probably would be wise to hold off on any wedding plans for a while, until you can work out some way of seeing each other again.
Until you do see each other, you are not going to know how things really are between you now.
Maybe the real problem lies in what the future really holds for you as a couple. This seems like the biggest hurdle to overcome.
For instance, you could organise to fly over to see him for a couple of weeks, and within the first few days, you could both reach the conclusion that it's just not going to work.
As I was saying earlier, it is a gamble you are taking.
The reality is you are apart much more than you are together.
Even though you speak by skype on a fairly regular basis, it still is nowhere near as good as being together in real life.
It would be a whole different ball game if you were both in the same country and just an hour or two's drive from each other. Driving distance - not flying distance.
That would definitely be quite workable.
What we are talking about here though, is probably a long flight of several hours. This makes it expensive and therefore prohibitive. So it's something neither of you could afford to do on a regular basis anyway.
Ultimately, you both need to do what feels right to you.
If in doubt - don't.
You still need to have a serious think about what you believe could be the outcome of you moving over there.
It might work, and it might not.
Whenever there is doubt, it's really hard to get rid of that doubt. It just stews away inside of you, even if you are unaware of it most of the time.
It's always wise to listen to exactly what the doubts are, that you are having.
Doubt is almost as good as saying - "No don't do it."
Even if you can't put your finger on what that doubt is precisely, the fact that it's there speaks volumes.
The doubt primarily for you is probably something like, you really "want" to go over there to be with him, BUT - "What if it doesn't work out?"
It's a safe bet to say that the - "What if it doesn't work out?" - statement, is far more powerful to you than the fact that you "want" to be with him.
What a person wants and what they need, aren't always the same thing, unfortunately.
Always listen to your gut feeling.
And that gut feeling, is the "Doubt".
Even though you have some doubt, you could test that doubt and go ahead and visit him in March as you said, for say 2 weeks and see how things pan out.
It could go well, and it might not.
And if you do decide to still fly over there to see him, regardless of the doubts you have been having, at least you might then know one way or the other, about what the future holds for the pair of you, or if there is no future.
There is a lot of uncertainly at the moment, so to find out for sure, you might just have to take the plunge once and for all, just to see for yourself.
Then one or both of you will probably reach some kind of conclusion regards what lies ahead.
For now though, if you still want to go there in March, just approach it with an open mind and without expectations. And go there for a short holiday break only, NOT to stay just yet.
Then see what happens.
Are you going to surprise him by just turning up? Or have you already told him of your plans for a visit to see him in March?
No-one can advise you in any way, because we are not living your life - you are. So it's only you who knows exactly how you feel.
You do need to follow your heart here. And you need to be honest with yourself, when you do.
Just be true to yourself.
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A
female
reader, Crazy Fox +, writes (4 January 2012):
Crazy Fox is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi,
Thank you for your replies, it means so much to me. I totally agree that he has reached his limits but I can't help but still hope that we will get over it. He obviously doesn't want to talk to me, I convinced him 1 or 2 times on Skype and I saw him for a moment on web.cam and of course he was sad, but I still could see some glimpse of love in his eyes. He says he is as strong as he never has been before and he has closed up for me. I feel like this is the time when I need to fight for him and show that I care too much to leave it all. He has been doing this to me all those times before,he has left me this time and it made me realise how much I really need him, I didn't know how it would be as he wouldn't leave me earlier even for a day.
There were 2 reasons that were making me depressed more than anything and it was ruining our relationship, the constant reminder that I am alone I was missing him badly, and going to sleep nearly every night weeping, when in the next room my roommate was giggling with her b.f every time, and yeah, I was comparing my life and her life and of course at times I couldn't bear it anymore and I would think I would be better off without him, so that I wouldn't be so miserable. Plus my friends saw it and they told me I was wasting my time. Honestly this relationship brought me more misery than happiness, nevertheless we were always talking about future and our plans, but for many reasons it was delayed, so of course it wouldn't bring me more confidence and I would be always doubtful about the whole thing.
2nd thing is his huge debt, this is the main reason that kept us apart for so long, lately he got a better job, and he took care of this and finally in the end of this month it's going to be paid off.
We discussed all our plans numerous times and I agreed that I would leave my country and I would move to his for our happiness, even though it was a tough decision, as I am no fan of his country and yeah, I would need to leave my family and my job here. But I know that I would get used to it and I would be finally with him and it's all I care about. So we said we would get married in May-June 2012 and then I would finally move to him, but honestly I couldn't believe in this, I mean he proposed and I knew he was the one but still after this holidays I came back to my apartment to the same gloom, and you kind of lose hope when you talk about something for 3 years but you can not get it and it seemed like it would never happen 'cause u are so fed up and have been burned before. I guess my patience didn't last. As of now I told him that I won't leave him and that I will fight for him like he was fighting for me all those times, I am his soulmate and he is mine. The big problem is that I can't go to see him, however am planning to do it. I asked if he would help me to open visa, he said he wouldn't know, so I take it as a NO. I am not surprised. I guess my only chance is to make some travel company richer and spend way too much money on this trip and for visa arrangements. I am going to do it in March, however there is a big risk that I will not get the visa and that it will be definitely too late. He is scared of me repeating the same mistake again and again. Well this time I am more than sure it won't happen again, as I know the taste of it and I would never want to be here back again.Do you guys think that it's absolutely hopeless situation and my visit won't change anything?
Hugs
Regards,
Crazy Fox
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever  +, writes (4 January 2012):
It's good that you know that you've made mistakes in how you treated him, but the fact is that nevertheless you continued to make the same mistakes over and over.
Each time you lose control and are mean to him or threaten break up, regardless of how you "really" feel and whether you really meant it or not, still it chips away at his feelings for you, it hurts him. Especially if he's put a lot of his emotions into you and this relationship, only to not have it ever be "enough" because you inevitably will once again find fault and threaten to leave him. If he really cared about you (which it sounds like he did at one point) then each time you threatened to break up with him deeply wounded him. The fact that you didn't actually break up with him for real doesn't change that.
From his perspective, this relationship is full of drama and has no security whatsoever because no matter how much effort he puts in and how good it seems some of the times can be, inevitably you will once again "leave" him. and while drama may initially seem equivalent to passion, it isn't and as a long term presence in a relationship it is wearisome and tiring on the nerves. People deal with such relationships by numbing themselves out (which would probably evoke anger from you at a later time). Or they leave.
It sounds like he just can't take it anymore, he's reached his limit, because the relationship is more bad to him than good. realize that no matter how much you may now apologize and beg him to come back, it will seem insincere (why will it be different this time) or just evoke nothing in him which I think is what he means by feeling numb.
I think at this point you should leave him alone because he's already mentally checked out, he has to protect himself now. You should focus on learning to better control your depression and emotions so that you can accept that this relationship may be over, and be OK without him. You may have been dependent on him for lifting you out of depression episodes, but really you need to be responsible for lifting yourself out of your depression. Otherwise it's not fair to him. It may have contributed to the negative dynamic in the relationship. And now when he is closed off from you, putting up barriers around himself to protect himself from you, it's just a waste of your energy and emotions to try to get him back so the path to feeling better sooner, is to focus on strengthening yourself.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (4 January 2012):
Hi there. The main problem here seems to be the fact you are in a long distance relationship.
In fact, it's probably the ONLY problem.
And this means that you are not seeing each other like most other couples, who live in the same town.
It's a very lonely life to not see your beloved.
Holidays together are nice - when they happen - however, they do not make up for not seeing each other every single weekend, like every other couple you know.
Undoubtedly, you compare your life to your friends' lives and their boyfriends, and them being able to see them all the time whenever they want.
It's very challenging being in a long distance relationship. There's no doubt about that whatsoever.
The depression you almost constantly feel, is just part of the loneliness you have, and missing him so much.
And because of the loneliness you feel, it probably makes you feel very insecure about the future.
Especially as it's been a long distance relationship for 3 years now. That's a long time!
And that wouldn't help your mood either.
You are probably full of all sorts of doubts.
Who could blame you for that? It's quite normal under the circumstances.
Really, if you are ever to have a chance at a future with this man, you are going to have to be living in the same country - yours or his.
You are going to have to sort something out between you.
If you can't work it out, well then there really is only one solution to this problem - and that is to call it quits once and for all.
While ever it continues on the way it is - both of you in 2 different countries - you are going to perpetually have this anxiety that you have now.
If you can't decide between you as to who is going to move, it's then going to be time to end it finally.
I realize that's not what you want.
And if one of you were to move to be with the other, well then that person will have to find a new place to live, and also to leave their place of employment which they probably love.
Plus, the one leaving will also be leaving their family and friends behind as well. And that's a HUGE sacrifice to expect of anyone! Would you leave your family and friends behind to be with him?
It would be a very big gamble for either of you to take, if you did make the move - and then maybe find that it didn't work out anyway! So then it would all be for nothing!
It's possible.
How would you feel then? You'd be shattered.
You and him have some very serious thinking to do now, if you are to work it out at all.
At the moment, he's being scared off by your very negative moods and is no doubt wondering how it would be if you were together all the time. It's putting some doubt into his mind.
Now that we are on the subject, is it even a possibility that one of you could or would make the move to be with the other?
Has it ever been discussed in the past, as to how you might make it happen?
In any case, before a decision of any kind is made, you both need to sit down together somehow - even if it means a short break to be together for a few days - and discuss all the options that are open to you both.
Perhaps you could take some holiday leave. Then there's also the expense of travel. However, it will be worth it to know something more definite, for sure.
Could you do it by a "Skype" phone call? At least then, you could see each other's face as you are speaking.
Once you have discussed the situation in great detail, you go from there.
You must have this discussion nevertheless, AS SOON AS POSSIBLE, even if you are scared by what the outcome could be. It's absolutely essential that you do.
Then and only then, you can move on with your life.
And if it happens that you mutually decide to end it once and for all, well then at least you will know.
And the next time you are looking to have a relationship, don't get involved with LDR's again. Because this is what you will inevitably go through.
And do you ever want this again? Probably not.
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