A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I'm not sure what to do. I've been with my boyfriend for over 3 years. We don't live together. I proposed to him on the 29/2 and he said no. First he said he wasn't ready yet and needed more time. I don't really believe that and asked what more time would do. Then he said he didn't like living with people.I'm just so heartbroken I don't know what to do. He doesn't want to break up. I honestly can't see at my age just dating someone for years and never living together.
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female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (7 April 2008):
Words without works is useless. Just saying is not enough .
He needs to prove his love and commitments to you and 4 months is a long time to prove his love for you.
If within this 4 months and you don't see any concrete
actions, you will sail with the wind and will not wait for him anymore.
I think, it would be better to keep it to yourself.
Any way you expressed that option would sound like an ultimatum to him.
He is under your scrutiny and microscope.
The last final frontier in your relationship.
It is now standing on the edge or precipice.
Could fall either way and only you will decide the outcome based on his actions or inactions.
Good Luck!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all the help!
Should I tell him about the 4 month time limit or keep it to myself and just do it?
If I should tell him about the 4 months how should I say it so it doesn't sound like an ultimatum as really it is just me setting an expiry date. The milk goes bad at 4 months. :-)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2008): I think that is fair enough, nobody likes being strung along.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (7 April 2008):
Yup! I agree with your actions.
This would tell him that you mean business and he better take notice or else .
You need to have a time frame because you cannot be in a
timeless black hole forever.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI called him up last night and just asked him point blank if he wanted a future with me and if he sees a future with me and he answered yes with no hesitation at all.
I plan to be busy with my life which is easy to do and be unavailable more and then if he doesn't move things forward in 4 months when our leases are ending, I will end it.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (6 April 2008):
That's all lousy excuses....
If he really loves you , he would jumped at your suggestion of marriage.
In love , you can do anything for your partner.
You are not asking for the sky .
I do not see why he should not accept your proposal unless he has some ulterior motives.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLaura, you are right. He has not felt the loss of me as I guess he really doesn't think I will go! I guess he thought that I made my decision to stay with him as I didn't bring the topic up anymore even though I told him I was thinking about things. He doesn't realize I really was still thinking and making my decision.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (6 April 2008):
When a thing is there, it will never be appreciated.
When it is gone , then they only realized the significance and the value of another person.
You need to knock some sense into him or you leave him and make him feel the loss.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone for the replies! I have taken a month to think about all of this and it seems he was better after the incident more loving to me etc. but not he is back to average. He mentioned about getting a place when our leases were up in a few months but not I mention it and I get no response. I just don't get him. He thinks everything is fine and content to go on just the same. I spent the weekend with him and some of my mail is still coming to his place as I did stay with him for a couple of months when I first moved here. He mentioned something about changing my address.How important is marriage to me? Well pretty important. The commitment is the most important part and I don't see how anyone can say they are committed and not move the relationship forward to living together or something.After much thought, I am just going to have a heart to heart with him this weekend and tell him that it is important to me and I deserve to be loved and that I can't stay in a relationship where there is no growth. It is like staying in a job with a promise of a promotion and it never comes.
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A
female
reader, pinksuze  +, writes (4 March 2008):
How important is marriage and living together to you? And how important is this man to you? I think you need to weigh the two things up so that you can make a considered decision. Which is the most important to you? Being married or being with him?
Things often don't turn out the way we expect them to in life. Just because you're not being offered what you wanted and expected, it doesn't necessarily mean you're getting a less good deal. You're in a relationship with a man you love, who loves you and some people don't have that. What he has in mind for you may not be conventional but that doesn't mean it can't be good.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (4 March 2008):
He is not in the marriage market. I am afraid, there is nothing much you can do except if you want to wait by the seashore and turned into a stone.
The choice is yours.
Keep him until someone better comes along, then you jump ship or live a singe and lonely life.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2008): As heart breaking and embarrassing as the situation is, there is no obligation when a proposal is made to say yes.
From the information you have given, he hasn't said you will never live together or never marry, its just not the right time for him now. Why can't things just go back to the way they were? Until he is ready, I know it will be in the back of your mind but you can either put it on hold a while or push him away by keep bringing it up.
I think the best thing to do would be to sit down and talk about where your relationship is going, if he has no intention for it to change in the next few years then you obviously have very different ideas about what you are wanting from a relationship. You need to be clear about what you expect and what you want but you must respect what he wants too. If marriage and living together is important to you within a certain time scale then he needs to know, but if thats not what he wants you have a decission to make.
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A
female
reader, Miss-Blonde +, writes (4 March 2008):
Hmm, i feel soo sorry for you! i know he said he doesnt like living with people but you could have him over on the weekends, then for a week or so then persuade him to move in , you could talk to him about all the good things and stuff. Then it might go further.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2008): That must have been awful for you. I'd guess you were pretty sure he'd say yes to such a romantic proposal. However, he didn't and it seems you both want different things in life. He would appear to be a career batchelor.
I think you need to detach yourself a little and try to take a look at your relationship 'from the outside' if you see what I mean. If you can't see yourself being in the same situation in five years time, then the sooner you move on and find someone who wants the same things in life that you do, the better for all concerned.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2008): Well, at least he is being honest! If he doesnt like living with anyone, then it is best that you know now. The ball is now in your court as to what to do next. You are right, who wants to go on dating forever. If i was you i would have a good long talk with him and find out just what he wants and if it isnt what you have in mind for the future, then cut your losses and walk away. You cannot go on like this. If he wont commit now then he never will and nothing you can do or say will ever change that.
Take care
xx
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