A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I promised my mom I would get her a house someday and now, she wants one. She just got re-married and he was bankrupt. She needs me for the credit etc. But I don't want to. I only meant that I'd save up to get her a house when I was able but now, I feel stuck. She also expects me to move in with her. Financially, I'm drained. I've been supporting the household since 18. I have little regrets but I'd like my own life to start...I have a boyfriend I love dearly and we've discussed settling down and having kids. I worry about a house for my mom being a roadblock. I love my mom and I want to make her happy. I feel so selfish not wanting to do this for her. Although I like her new husband ok, I don't feel right with him trying to make me his daughter and calling me his daughter. I knew and loved my father so I don't feel comfortable. I do not want to live with them cause I feel like I need my own space and independence and furthermore, I know I'd never feel okay. I still want to help her get a house just not now and not with my info. Please help me
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2014): I feel that there is so much more to this story. OP, what kind of job you had at the age of 18 so you could pay the bills? I can't think of anything but modeling, where you can get significant amount of money without education. How did your mother raised you? Does she work, if not where did she get money from t pay for you and any siblings you might have? Was your father in a picture, and where is your father. It's just hard for me to imagine that an 18 years old girl can possibly support a whole household on money she makes. Is she a junky of any sort? Is she careless with money, and makes bad desisions in general? If that's the case than she onbiously can't be trusted with any money, and there's no way you should co- sign for her . But if she is not, ( the fact thatcher new husband is bankrupt doesn't surprise me, I know plenty of people who 7 years ago lost everything), and if she needs you to co- sign for here i don't see why not. In my family my kids learned from early childhood that we are all in this together. Our money one day will be their money, and if we are in need they would help us. Few years ago when my husband lost his job and we were ona verge of loosing a house, our 2 oldest children chipped in and saved our house until we open our own business and succesfully run it now. Without their help we would drown. If your mother is only asking you to co/sign for her, than yes, if you don't want to do it you might be feeling guilty. Because consigning means no money for you, it's just a name on a paper. If you are refusing doing it then there must be a substantial reason to do it. A notion that we don't owe anything to our parents is totaly wrong. We do owe them for sacrificing and raising us.
A
male
reader, DragonMan  +, writes (10 February 2014):
 Greetings,I must concur with my fellow advisers in this matter,Your mother is acting disgracefully, asking you to not only support the family but also to now provide both her and her bankrupt husband with a new home?Parents are meant to support and nourish their children not drain them and I would be happy for your mother to read this.Exceptions to this are handicapped/disabled (genuinely) as I have seen plenty of disabled parents who still work, support their children.Learn to say no to your mother or she will ruin your future and your relationship with your guy.Would you want that?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2014): The promise was "some day". That day is not now, that day is when you choose and when you can.
Just be honest with her or give her some cash to put towards a house but not break you financially.
You didn't promise to move in with her so just say no, also have a chat with her new guy and tell him the whole "daughter" thing is making you uncomfortable.
OP you don't need to explain any of your reasons for any of these things. You're an adult, who will help her mother when she can but not at too much of a sacrifice to your own life.
Help her out with a token gesture of some money towards the house now if you can, if not then tell her you can't just yet.
You want to fly the nest now, the first step toward becoming an independent woman is being woman enough to be able to say no to people and do so clearly. She'll understand and if she doesn't she'll learn to.
just don't do it all at once. Sort out the house thing before you discuss with her husband directly that you like the thought behind the daughter thing and appreciate the sentiment but it makes you uncomfortable.
OP you're being perfectly reasonable in all this, if she can't handle that it's on her. She too is grown woman who needs to be able to stand on her own two feet.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2014): Hate to break it to you but you are not the one being selfish, your mother is. Your whole adult life you have been supporting her at the expense of draining you financially as well as not being able to plan a future that is in your best interest. Your mother should never put you in that predicament. Especially at a time in your life when you are becoming an adult and every decision you make affects your future greatly. The one who should be making sacrifices at this point in your life is her for you. Hate to drop another bombshell but it sounds like your mother is using you and has you very manipulated. She could've married a financially stable guy but she chose one that is bankrupt. That is her problem not yours. If your mom wants a house, her and the broke guy she chose to marry can get their butts up, get jobs and WORK towards it like everybody else does. I could understand if your mother was single, all alone and maybe even handicapped you wanting to help her and make sacrifices to ensure her well being. But this isn't the case. She is married now. It is not your responsibility to take care of two grown adults who are old enough to take care of themselves. It is not your problem. Another important word of advice: If the guy is bankrupt it means he has a terrible credit history. If you use your credit line to help someone with terrible credit history purchase a house (of all things!), you might attract problems yourself. When they can't make payments (which is bound to happen based on his history), it is your credit on the line. You are not their guardian nor their babysitter.Frankly, it is shocking that your mother would ask that of you considering how painstakingly obvious it is that this is a terrible idea and could have horrible repurcussions for you. I think you need to seriously re evaluate your relationship with your mother. I know when people are young they tend to glorify their parents and don't see faults in them like an outsider would. But you need to open your eyes to the fact that what she is asking of you is straight up wrong. Not only should you refuse but you should not feel guilty about it. The only one who should be guilty or ashamed is her for cornering you in on something like this.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (10 February 2014):
 Your mother needs to accept the consequences of her decisions and stand on her own two feet. You need to begin to establish your seperate, independent life. Allowing them to use your good credit could have disastrous consequences for you that could last for years.
Tell your mother what you meant -- that you'd help her when you had accumulated a pile of money, but that time is not now. And for goodness sake don't live with them -- that will just make it harder to refuse these sorts of unreasonable requests.
A parent that relies on their teenage child to support the household is, frankly, pretty disgraceful. You have already gone above and beyond the call. Time now to look after yourself.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (10 February 2014):
 IT IS OK to tell you mom no. I can't afford to being in on a house with you.
YOU ARE NOT responsible for your mom and her financial and romantic choices.
I would invest in life-lock to ensure she doesn't use your info without your knowledge.
SHE is the parent. SHE needs to take some responsibility for HER future.
My brother promised me a Porsche when he made his first million. Well that (him making his first million) was LONG time ago and I still don't have a Porsche in my driveway!! And I don't expect him to buy me one.
In the future remember to NEVER make promises you don't know for sure you can keep. And remember you DO NOT OWE her to sign for a house. SHE MADE the choice to marry a man with a shoddy credit. And if she can't get a house on her own credit, then MAYBE getting a house isn't in the CARDS for her. (for now)
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