A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I apologize upfront because this will be a long one. Im just going to get things out there as i think about them so hopefully it will make some sense. Im Looking for a little advice and I'm not sure where to turn. I've been married for 12 years and we have 2 children together. I honestly don't feel like I love my husband anymore and I don't know how to get out of my marriage. I'm going to be totally honest, when we got married I think it was because I was tired of going through dead end relationships and I wanted some certainty in my life. At first things were OK but I'm honestly at the point where I cringe at the thought of him even touching me. I tell him all the time I have no interest in sex but he still insists that we have it which makes me sick to my stomach. There are times I literally have to hide the tears during sex. I like sex but I don't enjoy it at all with him anymore. I have never cheated on him but ive thought about it alot. He is a hard worker, good provider, and loves me unconditionally which makes things even harder. I know I would be happier if I left but it's not financially possible right now. We have started our own business along with another partner 4 years ago which is just starting to go in the right direction and I'm not sure how a divorce will affect that whole situation because I don't want to cause problems for our partner. I feel so stuck with no way out. I have become a less productive person in our household because I really don't want to be here anymore. My husband also has a drinking problem which I have discussed with him for years. He is 2 totally different people when he is sober and when he is drinking. When he drinks I feel like I'm walking on eggshells because the slightest thing makes him angry. He has never gotten physical with me but the mental stress is just too much. This happens at least 2 to 3 days a week and he wakes up the next day and acts like everything is just wonderful. Each time he drinks I hate him a little more than before. He does little things that just irritate me and when i ask him to stop he wont. He then gets angry at me for being angry at him even though ive asked him multuple times not ro do these things. There is no spark or desire left anywhere in my body for him. I really do feel horrible admitting that. I feel such a sense of relief when he leaves for work and I know won't have to see him for at least 8 hours. I need to find a way to get out my marriage without destroying everyone's life in the process.
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female
reader, Zazzafrazza  +, writes (1 June 2017):
Hi there. i was once in a situation like yours. I think it's the lies (he's one person and then another) that you have to deal with and us women knowing how we'd Love things to be with our spouse (we just want to be Loved and to Love,) makes it all the more harder when he can't ever come up with the goods or even try to! i can feel your sadness, like a long, drawn out sigh and just desperate to have some ounce of Love for him and from him.
How can he Love as his other half when...
As his wife, he should respect your wishes. he knows you're finding it hard to have him close to you, he's not respecting you. he knows you're crying when you're having sex, he's not caring for you my sweetheart, it's like rape, but worst because he's raping your soul too. How dare he not Love and cherish his obviously very faithful and intelligent wife.
Is he making you feel scared aswell? I mean scared to be alone or that things could get nasty if you do decide to leave him?
Although he may become nasty (that's his problem and his nastiness and he will have to live with himself with that forever) and you may find it difficult at times to manage on your own, it is so much better in the end that you get out of a relationship with a man who is raping you and completely disregarding his wifes feelings. he's being So selfish!
Money and food and clothes and children and stuff don't make a happy family... LOVE and TRUTH does.
Maybe he can change into a better person, but my life experiences have proven to me that men like that wont. When you feel like you're living with a devil, then you probably are.
If he wants to be a good husband to you, he would, but he's not and that's not a marriage or anything you signed up for.
I suggest you say a little prayer and the rest will guide you. 3
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (29 May 2017):
 This is what happens when people marry for different reasons other than love, which is sad because it sounds like your husband loves you a lot and he is going to be torn apart. The only thing that you can do really if you want to be happy is get a divorce, speak to a lawyer about where you stand with a divorce and talk about the business and then go from their. Why live being miserable? You know you need to get out so just do it. You can still be a silent partner in the business.
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (29 May 2017):
You married a man you didn't love and then had two kids with him. Now you want nothing to do with him. The poor schmoe. He thought he had a wife when in reality he was a backup plan.
Find yourself a lawyer and file for divorce. Your husband will probably be hurt at first but eventually he will get over it. He deserves to be happy and not saddled with a woman who hates him. Don't worry about cost. If you can't afford it the judge will order him to pay for your lawyer. The business will probably have to be sold unless your husband and the partners can find the money to buy you out. But what is the price of happiness?
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (29 May 2017):
 3 times per week of drinking leaves you with 4 days of not drinking of which 2 are spent either sobering up or dealing with post drinking anger. So basically, your relationship is based on only 2 days per eeek of some decent interaction. Put another way, 5 out of 7 days, your husband is absent and checked out.
If these were to change, that he checks out 2 out of 5, would that repair your marriage? If so, then divorce is perhaps not a good option and instead getting him to realize that 5 out of 7 is over 70% of time that his drinking contributes to the slow destruction of his marriage... and sex and unconditional love cannot make up for that huge negative impulse.
So I would advise you to think what sort of a change, if any, in his behavior could get you to want to be in marriage... then to find ways to get there, by getting him to understand the predicament. The culprit is alcohol and that is easy to fix: don't drink it.
Otherwise, if you are dead set that nothing can get this better, then divorce is something that will eventually happen and there is no way not to hurt anyone if that is to happen.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2017): Counseling with a trial separation. It could help you guys maintain responsibilities while individually working on yourselves and independence. It also gives him a chance to redeem himself if there's any saving of the marriage.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (28 May 2017):
 Go to a lawyer and find out what it's going to cost. You are already half way out the door. better to have a plan first.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2017): Life is to short to be unhappy. ...if the business is the only reason your staying well sod it you deserve to be happy put you and the children first i am sure the other business partner can put in extra effort for a while to keep it afloat. ...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2017): I understand completely. I'm going through something similar so my advice is to try some kind of counseling not just for marriage but yourself I believe sometimes talking to someone can really make things clear. As for money be smart and start saving for your exit if if comes to that prepare yourself financially is a great way not to feel trapped. Best of luck!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2017): You need to decide whether you want to be with your husband even if he makes the changes. If he could make all the changes and then you are still going to burn out the relationship in another year or two anyway, then it's time to simply stop talking and start divorcing. But if the relationship is fixable then I think you need to start by telling your husband how seriously in trouble his marriage is. Don't start off by making the specific complaints again. I'm sure he has heard them. Start off by telling him you are nearing the point of leaving. Let him absorb that. Then he will start working backwards on his own to sort out what he needs to change about himself. The drinking needs addressing. Once again, don't complain about the behavior anymore. Just inform him of how serious the consequences of not addressing it are getting, and put the ball in his court.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2017): As a guy,I feel sorry for your husband. Except for the drinking issue, but hey nobody's perfect. You feel guilty about sharing a bed with a man you do not love.. Yet there he is, thinking he's making love to his wife. Does he know the reason why you married him? Does he know it was not for love? ... That being said,
You have every right to not have sex with him. You do not have to give in when he asks for it. And you shouldn't when you feel this terribly about it. Being in this marriage is not healthy for either of you.My advise is to tell him that you want a divorce, talk to an attorney and give them all the details of the partnership and work out the most amicable solution for everyone involved.
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