A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for nearly four years. He was married 15 years ago and got divorced not long after. He has always stayed friends with (lets call her kelly). Anyway i have disliked their contact and i do not see the point as they have no children together. He always hides his mobile(s) from me ever since i found general text messages between them over a year ago etc. He went nuts because i snooped and i went nuts because he told me they hadn't spoke for ages. I have never met or seen kelly. 3 months ago my boyfriend and i rowed because kelly text him on a friday night asking if he could drive her home (he is a cab driver). Anyway i got hold of her number from my fellas sister (they are mates) and i decided to phone her last night. His sister had already mentioned to kelly i may phone. Oh my god ! She blew up with me before i had chance to say much. I said clearly that i wasnt being hostile and i just wanted a friendly chat. She said straight away that she was going to let my boyf know id phoned her (i assume she has done this as he is ignoringmy calls and texts, she said she has been friends with him for 15 years and it has nothing to do with me! She also said she knows why he cant be bothered with me !? After she finished she hung up on me. Since then i stupidly sent a couple of angry texts to her. What on earth do you think this is all about. I know i shouldnt have phoned her but then again i dont think she should be contacting my boyf and i only wanted a friendly chat etc. What do you make of this ? I know im in trouble with my boyf and im aware im foolish but im only protecting myself. He hasnt been the most trustworthy person iv met as lies over a lot of minor things etc etc. Please give me your opinion.
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divorce, ex-wife, his ex, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2008): You seem like the nosy, clingy girlfriend and you shouldn't of snooped around without proof. Ever consider some people just don't like to share there texts with others? I sure don't, girlfriend or not. As for you not liking them being friends, you cant dictate his life and who he decides to be friends with. All you can do is nicely ask him to break contact with her and if he chooses not to it's because he doesn't want to and that gives you no right to go snooping around and call her and try to break the contact for him. Hes not a baby. The ex was right, they've known each other for 15 years and it has nothing to do with you. The best thing for you to do right now is to just let him cool down and nicely call him and apologize for snooping around in his private matters. If he wanted you to know he would of told you or if he wanted you to have his ex's number he would of told you that to. Hes probably going to take her side if you take things farther so just put it behind you and wait until he wants to talk to you about it otherwise this probably wont end well. Also stop texting/calling him, maybe he wants some alone time and you aren't giving him that, give him some space and wait for him to call you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2008): If your boyfriend really loved you he would break off contact with her, stop hiding his phone and start treating you with a bit of respect!! I would have done exactly the same as you in your shoes - rightly or wrongly - your boyfriend pretty much forced you to react in this way, don't beat yourself up about it your only human!! If he can't sit down and discuss this matter without blowing up then what hope do you guys have of sorting this out?? There are plenty of guys out there that wouldn't treat you this way - would your boyfriend put up with this crap if he was in your shoes??? The way he has behaved over the past year has made it pretty much impossible for you to trust him with this woman and I think she is only out to harm your relationship - if your boyfriend is willing to have someone full of poison injecting it into your relationship how can he truly love you? You should be his first priority and her at very most an extremely distant friend. As for the fishing weekends...!! I think these have to be stopped...I think you know deep down what is going on here...alarm bells are certainly ringing with me but then I dont know your boyfriend like you do - am just saying take the rose tinted glasses off for a while...you are worth so much more than this. Only you can decide what to do next...Good luck.xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThey got divorced approx 15 years ago, so had quite a fairly long time to get over it and respect each others new lives. They weren't married long. I know my boyf has had similar prob with his ex girlfriend before he met me. They fell out and he went round to kellys to sleep on her couch. As you say i will have to wait and see what happens when the dust settles. It was such a strange conversation though, on one hand she declares she has moved on as she now has a five year old boy with her partner yet on the other hand she was telling me that she knows my boyf better than anybody and always will and that it is nothing to do with me. i disagree, im in my fellas life now - not her. As for sitting calmly to talk with my fella....he has temper problems and he struggles to discuss without a fuming row. Its the easy way to brush things under the carpet i guess. Iv got a feeling i will be placed second in this situation.
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A
female
reader, MissKin +, writes (13 September 2008):
 Okay, so i don't have to point out any of your mistakes cos you already know them. I understand why you did what you did. when guys keep secrets you think there's a motive. what you don't seem to realise is that they were married. if you love someone enough to marry them you will always carry a little bit of them around with you and if you know someone for 15 years you're not likely to find it easy to just walk away from them.
Why did your boyfriend hide his contact with his ex from you? this is really what you need to know. you may think it's because something is going on (hence your insecurities and the whole phone fiasco) or it could simply be that he didn't want to add any more strain on the relationship by giving you the factor of his friendship with his ex to worry about. you don't know unless you talk to him.
Perhaps you should cool off and wait until he is ready to talk, and talk face to face in a calm environment, so you can explain to him your feelings and thoughts and why you did what you did. and he can likewise. you have to be able to communicate in a relationship. dodging around behind each other's backs just causes stress and frustration and eventually break ups so you really need to be careful in the future, if you're worried about something - tell him so in a calm way, and if he doesn't make you feel any better about it - then simply tell him he didn't ease your concerns.
In this case i think you need to learn to accept the friendship between the two of them in order to keep your boyfriend and try to be trusting and understanding. and in return he needs to realise your concerns and support you and stop hiding things.
You need to be honest and open about everything with each other and realise that maybe both of you are being a little silly.. and as for snooping through his phone and him hiding it.. well did you ever think he hides it from you because you go through it and that's invasion of privacy and just not fair?
My boyfriend hides his phone from me when i jokingly try to go through it, and i do the same, even tho we've both shown each other that all there is is messages from the other, so maybe he's not got a real reason to hide it, though i can see why you would be concerned.
Really i think all you can do is wait until he's ready to talk and if you both want your relationship to work and to be mature and reasonable you need to talk a lot, about everything, and leave no stone unturned, but don't go getting at each others throats about it and hope you can work it all out.
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