A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have a serious marriage problem. My husband and I have been married for 15 months now. We got married while he was in the military, and we were separated for 13 months. We have been living together for 3 months now. Everything was perfect in the beginning. We thought that our love was the most powerful thing in the world and that we could overcome any obstacle because we had each other. However, he has a serious issue with my past that he cannot let go. On our second date, I ended up telling him about a threesome experience that I had. He has been bothered by this ever since. This "issue" is controlling our marriage. I know when he is thinking about it because he becomes very distant. He sometimes calls me names and threatens to leave me. At this point, we are just miserable with each other because this "issue" has come up hundreds of times now and a lot has been said that cannot be undone. I am so hurt because I love him to death and would do anything to make this marriage work. I know he loves me too, but he does not know how to let go of my past. Is there hope for us? Any advice would be greatly appreciated!
View related questions:
military, move on, threesome Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, mesha  +, writes (13 December 2010):
I feel that it pays not to open up about your past lovers. I feel that you are with the one you love, and what happened in the past, stays with you. It's not necessary to share any information. Unless asked. But be aware, that you have to take this on if you asked.If you do, you have to be careful of any back lash. A current lover may not show straight away that they are in shock, trust ne, it happened to me. My new lover told me he had a threesome when he was in his early twenties while in Aussie, it was paid sex. He said it was very enjoyable...it slipped out by accident from him. I asked him about fantasy's and he came out with that! It did'nt hit me till later on that day, when i started thinking about him and what he did. Although it was years ago, he's 10 years older than me, i am 38 and he's 50 now. I would have barley hit puberty when he did that. And we were in different parts in life. The thing is, your mind only sees the relevant, and i could'nt imagine him doing that act, he's such a decent man and he is. It's me that is suffering in silence. When ever a movie comes on, not an adult movie....any movie that these kind of scenes pop up.... and it has two women in it with a guy, i get squirmy and very uncomfortable, i am too embarrassed to tell him how i feel. I watch it, but feel terrible...i just want to run away and cry.I think he has completetly forgotton his past expereince. Each time i watch him during these scenes i wonder if it reminds him of the threeesome moment. It hurts and i wish i had sorted this earlier in the relationship....but i did'nt, and i love him and he adores me! It's me having to deal with it, and it's not always hard, only on the days i see a movie that brought up scenes, this reminds me....all the best you xxx
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2007): This is one of the most tragic sides of a human psyche. You've done what you wanted to do and he despises it. You see it maybe like a little innocent experience which didn't influenced you one bit but he does not. And this difference between you and him will never be ereased. Everytime he will think of your experience he will extremly hate the feeling and then hate you and will point at you that you are the one who gives him those horrible feelings. You can be the best and most loving wife ever for him and he will appreciate it and will love you. But because he loves you and because he is the person who he is, he might have this problem for eternity. If he still stays with you is because he's looking for a remedy for this problem and beleives he will shake it off one day. If he hadn't hope he would be long gone. It's completly only his problem... but you want him... and he wants you...
If you look at the internet there are tons of same cases like you and your husband. Every case is exactly the same. Sometime even two people who had threesomes themselves are having problems facing each other pasts. Ussualy the one who had the threesome can't stand the fact that his/her partner can't get over it. They don't understand why should one be bothered about the past. I can only say biology knows why one should be bothered about the past. It's all about identifying the best possible partner. Remember that you have a very hard time controling over love.. that might answer you the question that this problem is much deeper than a simple psychological problem.
I'm sorry for you and your husband. But this is life. You wanted to have it your way and he wants to have it his way. Try to help each other and you will see what will it bring.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2007): Anon., this just re-inforces my opinion and statements that "confessions" of one's past experiences before a relationship or marriage is not a wise thing. Did you "volunteer" this information? If so, why? Were you simply looking to see what his reaction would be? Well, now you know. Feel better? I agree with the others that you should now tell him that the previous experiences were before, and that they have nothing to do with your feelings for him. But,..you made a big mistake for mentioning them at all. (admonishing frown).
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2007): http://www.coping.org/anger/resent.htm#What
Try this link for your husband. He is full of resentment, this is really a choice he is making, not to forgive you. He needs to let go of resentment for himself, not for you.
Please have him seek some counseling or your marriage will be a long road of misery.
...............................
A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (12 April 2007):
 I don't agree with the other aunts that his reaction is totally irrational. There are reasons for it: psychological and biological ones.
Nor do I think that what happened in the past is irrelevant. Although we live in the present, the echo of our past does touch us. If the past was irrelevant to how we treat people, then we'd not put people in prison, nor give them awards for example. As we move through life we can shed past memories and re-invent ourselves, but there is always some part of us that holds on to who we were and what we did. That is much of what gives us our sense of personal identity. Every action counts in some way, and always will.
What you two are experiencing is not unusual, the problem comes up here frequently. I have experienced it myself directly. It is more commonly men having a problem with their partners sexual history, although it does run both ways.
He needs to find a way to accept what you did, and not have it trigger his insecurities. Counselling is a good way to do this (I suggest a male counsellor). He'll need to try very hard, and be willing to accept the strong emotions that get triggered due to this without letting them take over his mind. Plenty of exercise, or something like meditation or tai chi can help too.
Personally, I believe it is possible to accept what happened without approving of it or liking it. Meaning that he doesn't have to think that 'it was ok' (he can probably never do that), but he can at least decide that thinking about it has no point, that it is a waste of time. That if he brings it up yet again, you'll only be having repeats of previous conversations. That it's a path leading nowhere.
He needs to find a way to let go of the feelings when they come, so that they are just momentary emotions, and not something that takes up residence for the day (or week). Counsellors have techniques for helping with this, based mainly on dealing with obsessive compulsive disorder. (I think this condition is a form of obsession.)
You can help too. Reassure him that he is the one for you, that you love him and that the other men in your life are no comparison to him. Tell him that you never think of them. Do not try to justify what you did or defend it (as much as you might want to), it will only make the situation worse. Better to say you wish it had never happened.
Try not to take his emotional outbursts as attacks (not easy), and instead see it almost as an illness that he needs help with. He's not in control at those moments, rather he has been taken over by powerful emotions and images that really hurt him. Most of all, and I think this is key for him getting over it; try to have empathy for what he's going through and understand why it hurts him so much. If he feels you really do appreciate the pain he is in, it will make it easier for him to bear it.
My experience of this has led me to believe that it is impossible to completely 'cure' it. But it is possible to learn to live with it in a way where it causes only a little damage and doesn't take over a relationship. Good luck.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2007): he has to accept and let go of your past. He must understand that everything that went on before is irrelevant.he should respect you want no secrets and you have no reason to be made to feel ashamed of what you did in a former life.if he cant you have a problem
...............................
A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (11 April 2007):
 He might actually be thinking about the fact you were in a wild,erotic fantasy type situation and there is another man (I'm guessing)who has seen your wild side. That might cause him to be jealous or slighted. It's not really his business but this might be at the root of the problem.
When you two had this conversation, was it his choice to open up this subject? If it was, he might have already had issues with your past and this was the icing on the cake. I could be wrong, does he have any problems with your other partners? Do the other participants of the threesome travel in the same circles as you.
He might feel inferior because someone else was able to get you to a point where this type of thing might interest you.
...............................
A
female
reader, peppersalt  +, writes (11 April 2007):
go for marriage counselling. he's obviously having a hard time dealing with this new knowledge and can't seem to sort it out alone. if it's affecting you both this much this early in the marriage I think you need to see a counsellor pretty urgently.
it's normal for him to feel upset about it if it bothers him, but not a good sign for him to be calling you names and threatening to leave you. we can all feel jealousy or anger about our partner's past, but it's part of what makes you you and you shouldn't be made to feel guilty about something you had every right to do and cannot change, especially as he doesn't seem to be wanting to talk about it calmly and explain his feelings, he's just lashing out. I get really upste and jealous thinking about my boyfriend's past relationships sometimes but he can't change his past, and I know it's purely irrational. so we just try talk about it maturely and he reassures me that he loves me and wants to be with me.
so in a nutshell, what is happening so far doesn't seem to be working. see a professional.
...............................
|
