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female
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anonymous
writes: Last year I worked closely with a consultant that was hired by our company. He and I hit it off really well. There seemed to be a real connection between us, even my co-workers said they thought he really liked me because he did not look at or talk to anyone else in the office the way he did me. He and I talked about deeply personal things about how we felt about relationships, life and we both felt the same things. He lives 2,000 miles away, though we still talked on the phone quite a bit because of business, every time we would see each other his face would light up, every time we talked, he would sound happy to hear from me.Because of our close business relationship, I kept my feelings for him at bay, because I do not believe in mixing business with pleasure. Even though our companies are still working together, our direct communication had become non-existent except for a few e-mails a couple of times a month when I would send him information. He would always respond, even if only with a thank you.A few months ago I decided to tell him how I feel about him because we were not dealing with each other anymore. I just told him that I had these feelings and that I thought he was an awesome person and that I wanted to get to know him better even if only as a friend.Although he was "flattered", and thinks I am a wonderful person, he said that he never felt a connection with me but he values my friendship especially after I told him how I felt. He said he understood how much courage it took to tell him what I did and he wished me luck on finding my Mr. Right. I thanked him for his honesty and told him I understand and that it does not change my feelings, only my perspective and that I wish him all the luck in the world. I was truly OK with things because I felt blessed to have gotten to know him as much as I did.Ever since then, he no longer responds to my business e-mails, not even with a thank you. His communication with me and our company has completely stopped, now his partner handles all of the business dealings.This is really upsetting to me because I did something I never do, I opened up to him because I thought he was a nice guy. Even though his words were kind, they were obviously insincere, which sucks because I thought he was honestly a nice guy. My best friend says that I didn't say anything bad or anything that should have scared him to act like this and the fact that he cannot even communicate with me, even a thank you, contradicts what he said about not having feelings for me.I'm just really disappointed and confused and beating myself up for being a fool, again.
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female
reader, charliesgirl +, writes (24 August 2005):
I sympathise with your predicament. You seem to be a sensible and grounded person. And naturally you are smarting, not only has he withdrawn his friendship but also all of his business connections with you.
However, in the light of recent events he has judged that it is appropriate for him to sever the working relationship with you. Clearly he does not want to jeopardise his position or the relationship and business between the companies. Nor does he want to be accused of giving you the wrong signals. He has tried to handle this diplomatically and tactfully under the circumstances.
This isn't to say that he doesn't have genuine regard for you, he told you as much when you spoke to him. Please don't take his treatment personally. He is in a position of trust and has a duty to act responsibly in his professional capacity. I'm sure that you can appreciate that he has handled this as sensitively as he possibly could.
The relationship that you created was purely on a professional basis, as you have stated he called when there were business matters to discuss. It is very easy to develop feelings for a person when you are working closely together. It's likely that you found him charming and friendly, and he found you easy to confide in. I'm unsure exactly what to make of the fact you discussed such personal matters, but his behaviour since clearly indicates that he is unwilling to entertain the notion of having a relationship with you.
Realistically, what chance would this relationship have stood? You were engaged in a business relationship and separated by thousands of miles. He could have been married or in a relationship, and masqueraded as a single man, there is no way that you could prove otherwise.
Of course this is difficult for you at the moment, but you will recover.
All the best
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2005): I think the problem lies in you now feeling foolish. You acted on your instincts and your heart, there are far worse things to do than to be honest. I think you have just got to put it behind you. Don't dwell on it. I know that is easily said, but you're probably piecing together the times you worked together, every conversation, every "look" you exchanged.....torturing yourself! It's just not worth it. This chap is immature and can't deal with major issues and prefers to ignore them. You don't want someone like that, do you? He has the issue, not you. My best tip...delete his e-mail address and his phone numbers.
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