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anonymous
writes: I went out with a guy for 3 years, then we went seperate ways due to our family conflicts. We both had arranged marriages. It's been 4 years now. He has 2 boys too, so he must have an active sex life with his wife. The problem is I am still in love with him. I can't stop thinking about him. I don't let my husband near me. In the past 4 years I have slept with him once. Now my ex says he still cares for for me & wants me back in his life but can't leave his wife. I'm so confused. I just want to be with the love of my life but I Know it's going to be the biggest mistake of my life. Please help!
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (25 March 2005):
 Your ex has already told you where he stands: he says he loves you, but he can't leave his wife. You have to decide now what you're going to do with his answer.You can continue to obsess about him and make yourself unhappy, whilst alienating your own husband, or you can take a fresh look at the situation and realise that your ex doesn't feel strongly enough about you to break up his family.I suspect that he's told you he 'loves' you in the broadest possible sense, meaning that he loves what you had, loves the memory of your time together, loves your affection for him, loves you as a good person and so forth. But you have to face the fact that, if he loved you in the fully romantic sense, he would be making an effort to be with you. He isn't, and so it's pretty plain that his level of attraction to you isn't as high as yours to him. I'm sorry to point this out to you.May I suggest that you start making yourself less unhappy by addressing the problems in your own marriage? Clearly, you're not satisfied with the man you're married to; would you like to improve things between you two? Was there every any love between you? Have you spoken to him about whether he is happy with your marriage?Do consider seeking out counselling with your husband to help heal the rift that's seen your marriage turn sexless for the last four years. Or, if you have no interest in your husband and can't foresee ever changing your mind, give consideration to separating, so each of you can find someone who loves and cares for you the way you deserve.Whatever happens, please don't continue to fixate on your ex. He has a different life now, and he's been quite up-front about his unwillingness to leave his wife and family.I hope that this helps provide some insight into your situation.
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